I could look at some moments in my life with regret. But because I’m not one to do anything without a good deal of prior thought, its rare when I feel the need to do so.
No one has a crystal ball; the future is always filled with the unknown. And within that unknown there will be events that sneak up, and require quick decisions. During those minutes, if not seconds, we can’t possibly play out the multitude of scenarios that may arise afterward. In that moment, we are acting on impulse. Often, out of caution, my impulse – is to back away.
And yet, about a week ago, I did act on impulse. And although I won’t say that I regret my actions, I have replayed it within my mind numerous times since then. There was no logic that played into the decision. In fact, logic would have forced me to act differently. No, instead, I chose not to over-think. I let the few soft thoughts I had float through my mind, then I voiced what I wanted. In that moment, I gave in to impulse. And it was wonderful.
I didn’t rob a bank, I didn’t murder anyone – no harm was done. But the reason for the reflective thought is that, not only was the action something a little out of my comfort zone, but so was the choice not to over think it. In many ways, I’m quite proud of that moment. I’m proud that I reached out and asked for what I wanted. And that I chose not to be the ‘me’ that thinks incessantly. Instead, I did the opposite.
I spend the vast majority of my life managing the affairs of others, caring for others, and perfecting my art – my writing. I am required to think not only for myself, but I’m also called upon to think for others. At times I feel as though my mind will fail due to overload. So over the course of the last few weeks I’ve allowed myself to act on impulse a few times, but this last was the most profound as it required more of me. It required my consent, and voice.
And I’m so pleased with me, in that I gave myself such a gift. Oddly enough, the act is something that to others would be a mere afterthought, commonplace and routine. But not for me. That’s what made it so important. This reclusive writer stepped out of her comfort zone for the sole purpose of savoring some joy. I was not alone in this endeavor, and of course I have to consider the feelings of others. But, this may have been commonplace for them. And they may have no reflective thoughts on the subject whatsoever. I can only hope, however, that they felt pleased to be wanted in such a moment.
I’m not the kind to buy a car on impulse, or fly off to Tahiti on a whim. I’m methodical and careful by nature. Even when I drink wine with wild abandon, I carefully notice how much is left in the bottle. So yes, I did carry out my promise to you on my birthday. I lifted a glass of my favorite Côte du Rhône, and hoped that you finally see the beauty that is you; that you not wrestle so hard with your demons, and that you find balance in this truly unbalanced world. But I too made a wish for myself, and that was that I allowed myself to live for a brief moment without careful deliberation. Instead I acted on impulse.
Written to Where Is My Mind? by the Pixies