One of my larger hurdles in life is dealing with that of disappointment. I absolutely can not stand the feeling of it, and do a great deal to avoid it. Without a doubt this is to my detriment.
Often, if I fear disappointment is a possible outcome, I will pull myself away from the situation, dream or endeavor before its even had a chance to play out. I do this to prevent myself from having to experience the possible event of disappointment. So, as illogical as it may sound, I force upon myself disappointment to avoid disappointment down the road. There’s quite a bit of hypocrisy in that way of thinking. And I loathe hypocrisy almost as much as I loathe disappointment.
I’ve had to walk with this aspect of myself for quite some time. In the doing, I’ve been able to eye it up and down often. I’ve had to come to terms with this particular shortcoming and how it impacts my approach to life; more importantly, how it impacts the outcomes I’m offered in life. Something within me must believe, based on fear, that if I assume the best for myself, and thus move in that direction, complete with anticipation, it will trigger the inevitable outcome of disappointment. I am worthy and deserving of good things, this I know, and yet a morsel resides within me that if I allow myself to expect and get excited (that’s the big one) about something, I am in some manner of speaking setting myself up for heartache. Could a part of me be so misguided as to believe that joyful anticipation, and allowing myself to feel good, triggers the Gods to frown upon me; therefore descending a myriad of things I don’t want? It seems so. But I’m wrong. Although I’m stating it very blatantly, I feel many people live under this misguided fear.
What I’m doing, is robbing myself of the chance to experience the very thing I want most to experience. Its lunacy in action. And yet, I have noticed, its something I do all too often. It’s a protective mechanism. But a damaging one.
I have suffered some profound disappointments in my life. The truth is, they scarred me considerably. But, I would hate to be shaped by those scars. I would hate to be merely a byproduct of my wounds. Yes disappointment stings in a very singular, intense way. There is no denying it. Yet, on a lower, less intense level, I am choosing to experience disappointment instead of letting it come my way organically, should it even venture my way at all.
This is what I know about myself and aim to rectify. I must, if I am to accomplish anything. One shouldn’t choose not to throw the dice for fear of seeing losing numbers. We should all loosen our wrists, and throw the dice knowing that by doing so, and only by doing so, will we ever experience a win.
Written to Churchill – Change (this is a top-down while driving wild and free kind of song)