As you are aware, these posts are as much about unearthing that which dwells in you as they are about unearthing that which dwells in me. One can have no hope of confronting, repairing, undoing, healing or transforming that which they are unwilling to identify. Through my spotlight, my hope is that we both are allowed to see the previously hidden parts within ourselves – the good and that which could stand a bit of tweaking.
Something has been nagging me as of late. In addition to my writing; the children’s books, novels, blog posts of mine and those I do for others; I do a great deal of studying. I am enormously curious about psychology, sociology, metaphysics, neuroscience, spirituality and philosophy. No doubt, that is why many of my posts weigh heavily in those areas.
What I’ve found is that humans need to get excited. It’s very much like vitamin C for the emotional body. Happiness is inherently connected with excitement, and both are vital to one’s well being. Enter what nags me: I rarely allow myself to get excited. I keep myself detached from this particular emotion. Since making this discovery, my knowledge on the subject won’t allow me to sweep it under the rug.
I’m not one to blame anyone but myself for the makings of who I am. Although my parents firmly laid the first few stones for the foundation of my stoic detachment, they aren’t to blame. It is up to me to get rid of any stones I know are misplaced. I will admit, upon first prying I found these to be surprisingly heavy stones. Most likely, after so much time, they are well imbedded into the ground. But not impossible to move. My parents raised my brother and me with the clear understanding that we shouldn’t get too excited because something disappointing is bound to happen soon after. Or, that the act of being excited works as a sign; signaling disappointment to make its appearance.
I have lived with this belief all my life. You see – I absolutely, without question, can’t stand the feeling of disappointment. As I’ve mentioned before, I will do almost anything to avoid it. So, I motor through life with my emotions restrained. I pull back whenever something nudges me to get excited. We all condition ourselves based on our history. And what I’ve found is that disappointment feels ten times worse when one is excited. In other words, when we allow ourselves to get excited it’s very much like reaching an elevated level. We are, in essence, high on life for the moment. Disappointment, when it kicks, causes us to fall from whatever level. If high, the descent is like free-falling from a plane versus merely falling while already standing on the ground. Due to such, I keep my emotional feet planted in the grass. I do this in all aspects of my life. Although in some areas this is a good thing, as I’m not prone to outbursts. On the flip side, I cheat myself of the thrill of excitement. And excitement has more to do with what might be, than what already is. Excitement, for the most part, lives within what may happen.
Not only am I disallowing myself the exhilarating moment of being high, breathing the invigorating air held at that altitude, but I’m very likely setting myself up for the disappointment I’m trying to avoid. If excitement is the fuel that moves us in the direction in which we want to travel, I am continually letting my car sit in the garage. Granted, my car is well protected. But its also useless unless – used. Does disappointment hurt less when one is already half expecting it – yes. But I can’t help but to believe that on some level, in some way, half expecting it helps bring it about.
Many things in life have proven to be a disappointment, but I don’t need to be one of those things that disappoints me. I am unfathomably protective of my emotions, but disallowing myself the simple joy of expectant excitement does not reveal my incredible strength, it reveals my weakness. So, with that, I will back my car out of the garage. And after perilously trekking to a high altitude I plan to inhale deeply for as long as I can. If I am kicked back down, then so be it. History has also shown me to be rather resilient. Or maybe, just by virtue of allowing myself to stand on a higher emotional plateau, I will be signaling that which I am wanting.
Listening to The Airborne Toxic Event – Sometime Around Midnight (A simply beautiful song)