Many years ago while living in Phoenix, Arizona I had a roommate. She was younger than me by quite a few years. She was also hopelessly in lust over a man who used her only for the sake of convenience. She, on the other hand, couldn’t see past her hormones. For her birthday I took her to an adult store, and bought her a vibrator. Even though I’ve always been exclusive, and a bit of a recluse, I’m far from a prude. In fact, quite the opposite.
I told her that when she wants a man in her life, it shouldn’t be out of desperation. It should be out of pure want. Compromising herself due to primal desire, had left her feeling as though she was less than. In the end, it always does. Suffice it to say, after that, there were many nights when I would hear what sounded like that of a lawn mower humming in the bedroom next to me. But in the process, she stopped waiting for that man’s beck and call. No one should be waiting for someone’s beck and call. Man or woman.
When I take on a partner, it isn’t out of need. It is out of want. The difference is rather profound, and not just to a logophile like me. To the best of my ability I try to leave desperation on the doorstep when I enter any situation. If I feel I need something, then my energy shifts. I’m no longer coming from a place of balance.
Love has a tendency to flutter precariously with the makings of need. When we allow someone into our heart, they form a space. From that moment on, we want only to feel that space filled in its entirety. And when they pull away, we hurt. It is for that simple reason that many people are resistant to allow anyone into their heart, their mind, their world. Because the absence of them is the stuff of misery. But I don’t believe it has to be that way.
I believe we can let someone in, and instead of carving out a space within our heart, better that they expand that which already exists. True, if they leave, their will be pain. But pain is inherent to living. It happens even when we guard ourselves against it. It is a factor we can’t avoid if we are to live. Its like never heading out to the beach for fear it might rain. I don’t want to miss the sunny days, out of fear that the clouds will set in.
For the most part, this is how I try to approach life. The people in my world are there out of choice. I want them there. Need will always rub up against love. But if we are to look at the world as in positives and negatives, good and evil, then to want is godly, to need is to dapple in the negative. Desperation sits opposite of confident hopefulness. The one makes us feel good, the other makes us feel vulnerable.
I’ve long lost touch with that old roommate. I do hope though that when she spends time with a man that she does so as his equal. Both with equal desires, equal value and equal wants. I was recently on a date that made me smile. From early on it felt as though we were two roosters, neither would back down. But in the end, no one walked away feeling desperate. And it was out of want that we met again. But those situations are highly charged and quite rare. They can lead to euphoria if allowed. Or, two roosters simply kicking dirt at one another until dusty and tired. I hope with all that I do, within my books, these quirky posts and my spoken words I help to remind us to choose hopefulness over desperation – every time. The one builds us up, the other tears us down.
So as with love and with life, I say, go after what you want.