To you, my dear readers, I will admit something. Having been urged to try the online dating world, I succumbed and now find myself wading knee-high through its waters. But those who know me, will not be surprised to hear that I did not dive in blindly. Not only are my eyes open, but mine are not the only eyes through which I see.
Rarely do I waste my time. I keep myself held distant from most and do so for many reasons. But to an extent, my approach is not a healthy one. And so with that, I grabbed a snorkel and suited up. But I didn’t jump into the water alone. I have an army of swimmers gliding along beside me, dunking their heads in, and reporting back what they’ve discovered. When surveying the waters, I do so carefully and thoroughly. Having an arsenal of close friends on the site with me, some having already been on well before me, some joining afterward – we are able to glean out quite a few fish.
One could say that what we’re doing is a set up. Perhaps. But no more than a man telling a woman something endearing, solely to convince her to sleep with him, all the while he is saying the same thing to another. I feel, that is a set up. Even in the world of online dating, a bit of honesty is still required. At least, by me.
Maybe it’s because I’m such a passionate person, but I can’t seem to open the floodgates of my sexuality when the relationship isn’t exclusive. I’m trying to ease the gate open, but am struggling in this regard. I’ve never been a willy-nilly have sex with just-anyone kind of person. I need to loosen my rules a bit. I should step away from my femininity for a while and motor through men simply for immediate, physical gratification. I should buy an economy pack of condoms, and head out into the waters. Heaven knows, I am tempted. But to do so, I need to detach from my emotions. There are two ways in which I can have sex: purely physical, or giving myself over to the moment completely: body, mind and spirit. I can’t do the latter if I think I am one of many. I’m considering however, culling my skills at doing the first. Not because I am a loose woman. No. But because I am unfathomably the opposite. And at times, a person needs to loosen up a bit; detach from their emotions and swim naked for awhile. I tend never to do this as I value myself to a great extent. If I am not treated with value, I always walk away. This makes blatant sex, for the sake of sex, difficult to do. But I’m working on it.
I haven’t decided how long I will remain on this site. Its an interesting experiment and exploration into the human psyche and behaviors. At times its deflating. At other times its quite sweet. I think for many it is an addiction. I’m not ready to bring my surveillance operation to a close just yet. I am watching over my friend’s candidates and they are watching over mine. In fact, due to this watchfulness, a friend was shown that the fish she caught was not hers and hers alone. It seems he tried to jump into my boat.
When it comes to fishing, I’ve never cast a net and trolled the waters. I’m a very specific fisherman. I don’t want to throw a bucket of bait off the side of the boat and scoop up all I see. When I set out to reel something in, it is done with clear intent. The problem is, that intent has to work both ways. I’m not an habitual fisherman. When I head out, my plan isn’t to come home with a bucket of fish; its to land that special catch.
I will keep you posted on my foray into the open seas of online dating. I have a feeling there will be a couple raids taking place shortly. As I’ve noticed we’re all getting a bit antsy to move on. But for the time being my boat is anchored, I’m looking out onto the horizon and paying attention to what I see. Maybe, just maybe, the one bringing his head above the water occasionally, will be the one I want to take home. Time will tell. I have a cooler full of beer and plenty of friends on the boat with me. I can wait.