In the Field

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It’s fascinating how when jettisoning stones from one’s past it is discovered not only how heavy they are, but also how unmoving from the ground. More so, it’s a bit startling to realize that what was thought to be a stoneless field, is not.

Certain people and situations have the ability to shed light in an area within a person. Upon doing so, illuminating a good deal of stones scattered about. Which to me, is a deflating and maddening revelation. I recently made such a discovery and now find myself with work gloves on, and one foot on the blade trying to unearth a few things that are not serving me well. 

I’m astounded a bit by the stones I see. It is not that there are so many. In fact, there are but a few. It is the size that troubles me. The largest one, sitting before my eyes, is the one which weighs most heavily upon my mind at this present moment. I know it is a roadblock. A boulder that stands between me and the future I know is mine. Due to its size, I can’t say as I will be able to move it. In fact, I feel it will remain a part of me, a marker, a reminder of a different time. But, I can lean upon this large rather imposing stone and collect myself for a moment, and contemplate how I should proceed. 

I can either let this monument from my past stand in my way, or I can take the long way around and walk its perimeter. Rarely do I ignore the presence of things; wanted or unwanted. Instead, I choose to acknowledge them equally. I feel even the weighty stones within ourselves have purpose. I am far from perfect, and these emotional weights work to remind me of the areas I need most to change. And there is one area, where I am most resistant. 

Often it is where we choose not to look, that holds that which we need to see. It is easier for me to allow love for the characters in my novels, then doing so for myself. It is easier for me to allow a man into my bed, than allow him into my heart. Considering, due to my fastidiousness concerning men, that I rarely allow one into my bed, you can understand how removed I keep myself. I do this for a reason. This boulder of detachment has been my leaning post. I’ve relied upon it to shield me, when I should see it for the wall that it is; one that prevents me from moving forward. I can be light years advanced, in numerous areas, but in that one – I stand still, in a state of abeyance. A recent spotlight shined bright upon this shortcoming within me. And now I have to decide whether to keep leaning upon that which blocks my journey, or walk around.

We all have these stones. Some large, some small. But each one exists for a reason. To give a tangible feel and quality to an emotion. An emotion that needs our attention. Keep it, or remove it. It is up to us to decide. But never, should we allow it to sit in darkness.

Sane

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