A Binky: that amazing sideways hoppy-jumpy, skippy, twisty, throwing-themselves -through-the-air thing rabbits do when they’re extra-happy.
I often say: That’s okay. Sometimes when I say this to someone it’s accurate. Sometimes it’s not. Instead, it’s my way of trying to let go of the topic so we can move onto something else. All the while, the inner me is breathing furiously into a paper bag in an attempt to stop hyperventilating. My inner being has brought this to my attention and is telling me that my methodologically is skewed, at best.
Sitting here, I’ve discovered why I do this during times when I’m clearly not okay. I now know why I express this plainly inaccurate, and in many ways false, reply. I do it for two reasons. First, to spare the other from the truth and any associated pain once that truth has been realized and absorbed. Secondly, I do it to escape the situation. This being my chosen method since I was a small child, when there were so many pains from which I needed to escape. All of my life I’ve worked to avoid drama. In many ways my, ‘That’s okay,’ reaction is a mechanism that helps to avoid the drama of dialogue. Dialogue such as, “Oh hey, you just completely let me down. Let’s talk this over. Oh, are you surprised and now also feel immense discomfort? Let’s talk about that too. Hell, let’s make a day out of it.” Nothing in me wants to have that conversation. Never has, and I’m quite certain never will.
As a result of my seemingly unchanged demeanor, its easy for people to conclude not only am I unfathomably strong, leaning towards impervious, but also that I’m unattached to any desired outcome. For the most part, both are accurate. Not that the initial characterization is anything to write home about; as it generally just means due to one’s deep sensitivity they have built a thick wall around their inner being as to not become vulnerable. The latter, however, is the way of the great sages: No expectation. The teaching says: Detachment from the outcome, to live without the need for a specific result, is to live a life of freedom.
In my opinion, no truer words could be said. And yet, I find it nearly impossible to apply them when it comes to matters involving the romantic heart. And taking into consideration the comments of my closest friends, I would have to say they too would agree. I have to believe this is why most sages remained single. Giving love without condition or expectation, is something that resonates deeply within me. It is my natural course of action. But it is a different feeling when one gives their heart, or at least it is for me. This may hint that I am light-years away from spiritual mastery, or it may simply hint toward my frail human form. Oddly enough, even as I walk steadily down my spiritual path, I do not see this human characteristic as flawed. It simply is what it is. In these matters, from onset of the desire, there is an outcome for which one is most hoping. When asking someone to accompany them, there is an innate hope the invitation will be accepted. When a kiss is offered, there is a deep wish their lips will be well received. And when extending one’s heart, the desire is that within warm, safe hands their heart will be held. It’s apparent that attachment to the outcome is formed directly on the heels of the desire when it comes to romantic love. And when the desired outcome does not manifest, its anything but a binky inducing moment.
I believe with all my being this is why matters of the heart are usually the one’s that cause us the most pain. Even without walking down the center of a deliberate spiritual path, one’s heart sits at the center of one’s inner being. In that respect it is almost easier to extend one’s heart, without expectation, to people the world over, to teach, to heal, to love, than it is to extend it to one person with the unintentional expectation that they will embrace it, nurture it, and treasure it.
Easier to give your heart to many, than to give your heart to one. The great sages knew this. But then again, even though I’m learning the ways of the one’s that practiced this, I’ve never been one to take the easier path.