And so here I am; sitting in this new place; the walls around me 113 years old or more. Perhaps that is why I feel so at home. It isn’t the prettiest house, but it has a soul. I’m writer, or so they say. So I should be able to articulate most anything. And yet here I sit – speechless.
I can never fault anyone for their view on life as it seems to me to be so precarious. Who am I to account for, analyze or scrutinize anyone’s experience. We all seem to be on some sort of personal journey wherein we bump and mingle with others all the while sticking quite to ourselves.
Tonight while sitting on the front porch of this house my daughter decided to tell me what she thought my “forever person” should be like; characteristics, thought processes and the like. I sat and listened. At times my mind wandered onto how beautiful her delicate face was, and how full of life she is. And yet her words sank deep within me, penetrating not only my skin but my heart. Her observations on life, especially that of my own, astound me.
Some of us seem to stray so off course during our lifetime; often for the best of reasons, with the best of intentions. At times I stray too. Whether I am currently on or off course I can not fully say. But I can say this: My rudder has always remained steadfast when it comes to my true self. And for that I am grateful. It isn’t easy honoring oneself. There are times when doing so is the hardest thing brought before us. At times I think my sole reason for experiencing this life of mine is to be put to the challenge of never dishonoring who I am.
I sat in quiet contemplation this evening and thought over a few things that are currently bucking against my rudder. Disappointing currents of life that I surely did not need to float into and yet here I am feeling them crash against all that normally steadies me. When matters come before me that cause me inner turmoil I try not to act impetuously. I try to pray and give it time. I ask for a few signs along the way. At times I am appeased of this request. At times it feels as though my request has gone ignored.
The turbulence of life most difficult for me has always been and will always be that which is brought on by others. I find those waters the hardest to navigate. And yet here I am tonight, sitting in this our new home, boxes piled to my left and to my right, exhaustion coursing through my bones, my mind still overwhelmed from a treacherous cerebral journey, hitting hard against rough seas. I don’t need these waters right now, but it seems there is so much in life I don’t control. I can, however, control my reaction. I can decide how I lay hold to the wheel and steer my vessel. At all times, I can decide whether to hoist the sails or bound them tight and go within for protection. As I sit here right now, in this very moment, I am surveying the waters and mapping my journey. Whether I need to pull hard on the wheel or sit and float is the one thing I do not know at this moment. Tomorrow is a new day though and often with it brings new answers. Perhaps the clouds will clear and I will be able to make sense of things. But if not, I can always turn the wheel in search of calmer waters.
In my own abstract way I have articulated exactly how I feel in this moment. I would like to believe in a place where my ship could dock; a place where the water is like glass and I am not presented with unexpected hard winds. I know its out there. Maybe it will find me or I will find it or its here and just gone off course – I can’t say. But I won’t stop believing. We mustn’t stop wishing. We mustn’t stop hoping. Those things, those seemingly insignificant simple things – wishes – I believe, are the very things that moves us along. Love to you. I’m back.