Pushed

Often I feel pushed to the brink of what I can handle; times when my normal calm has been stripped; leaving me to wish privately for the moment to vanish or that I be allowed to run away. Generally, I am granted neither.

Instead the moment pushes harder as if demanding my attention, and that I flex a muscle within myself I haven’t yet strengthened. Although I’d like to say that without fail I dig deep and rise above, matching the demand brought before me, I don’t; not always. In fact I’ve caught myself more often than I care to admit muting out the words of another due to the soft backward fall I take into myself wanting to escape.

I do not begin each day perfectly aligned with my higher self. I do not end each night always confident that I can meet the challenges I know I must face upon waking. I haven’t risen to that level of sage-hood yet, but I’m working on it. And that is the whole point of this walk we’re all making – to work on these parts within ourselves that require expansion. I have many. Some days I’m convinced not that I’m an old soul as much as that of a young one, held tight within a ball that is too small and too weak; therefore constantly pushed to expand and muscle-up. Perhaps its a blending of the two: An old soul within the tight confines of a mind that struggles to blend logic and knowing. Either way, pushed often I am.

Once alone; once removed from that which tempts me to speak or act out impetuously, I breathe deep. I refrain from the urge to beat my head against the wall, and choose instead to look at the moment and see it for what it is – a push to develop yet another part of myself in need of strengthening. Sometimes it is patience. Sometimes it is tolerance. Sometimes it is unconditional love. And surprisingly, sometimes it is the strength to fight; all of which have their time and place.

As the autumnal equinox makes it way toward us, showing signs of its approach by way of the color guard of changing leaves, know that change is inevitable. Change means life. The oak that seems so predictable and slow to move, has within it constant change and expansion. The leaves on a tree are not dropping simply to end a cycle, but so that the tree may begin anew when ready. The energy within the tree pushes it to grow. So although challenging at the time, the energy within me pushes me to do the same. And most likely, the same is true with you.

Sane

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