It feels like its been awhile since we last spoke; my words mixed with your voice. Please know the absence was felt by me. And like the tug felt to return to one’s beloved shortly after having said goodbye, I’ve felt a similar tug to turn from my other duties, and spend time with you.
I’ve recently finished writing my memoir. And as my fingers glided across the keyboard my mind glided through the years. Once again I relived decades of cyclical moments brought my way for the sole intent of causing my soul to expand. At times, I made that leap. I broke the bonds that kept me held tight within a belief system that no longer served me. I cried a bit while writing certain passages. I remember with detail the pain certain experiences caused me. Then I smiled, knowing often the pain felt was due to the breaking down of old walls; the thicker and more entrenched the walls, the deeper the pain.
I can’t speak for anyone except me. But my growth has almost always come by way of a painful break from the old, before expanding into the new. It is my hope that I never stop expanding, however. I never want to be the flower that grows only so high then dies. No. I want to be the tree that rides through the cyclical seasons. And at some point I become the version of myself that no longer holds tight to those things that no longer serve me. Instead, I drop the leaves, and allow myself to start all over again. Faith says to let go and believe. Fear says to hold tight. I do not feel shame for the person I was; the person that bounced between fear and faith. At each stage I was the version I needed to be to experience what I needed to experience with that particular lens of perception. Every stage was and is needed.
Looking back I can see why, at times, I had let fear rule me. When we open our mind, heart and soul to expansion – it means stepping into a version of ourselves that rests just beyond our conception. That is where the soul wants most to go and yet the psyche holds tight to – what is. Because it knows – what is, and nothing more. There is no shame in that. It is human. Somewhere along the line, I let go. And I’ve been letting go ever since.
I don’t want to be the seed that lies dormant in the ground for fear of what rests above the surface; beyond what my eyes can see. Growth requires faith. And upon my last day I hope to look back and smile; knowing I had God Faith; the kind that is displayed freely by all things not hindered by the psyche. I want to have relied upon the same energy used by the oak seed that knew only to go beyond where its gone before – to grow; to reach upward; to drop its leaves when the time was right; and feel no remorse in starting anew. Its only those outward things that are new, the core stays the same.
Please forgive me for being gone. I’ve just been busy dropping leaves, and writing about what I see scattered on the ground. It is good. And please know, within you rests the same unstoppable force that rests within the seed – just drop your leaves, and believe.