Return to Sender


As many of you know, I haven’t felt well lately. I’ve been carrying a weight upon my heart that shouldn’t be there. And although I’m not to blame for its existence, I am to blame for allowing it to make my heart it’s home.

It was a hard decision. But I have decided to let this pain go. I have to give it back to the one who handed it to me. I’ve been given ample opportunity to do so. I back away each time. And as my life is a series of cyclical moments given to me for the purpose of my soul’s expansion, I must let it go if I am to move on.

Lately, I can’t even see the future. Pain has a way of doing that. It can blind us. It can tether us to one spot and suspend us in time. I want only to get lost in the moments that feel good, and turn a blind eye to the hurts of life, at times. The child in me has wanted to blanket this pain with something more pleasing. The problem is, once the pleasing thing is removed, the pain re-emerges and tightens the tether and clouds the future, once again.

It takes courage to do so many things in life. I’d rather step in front of a bullet than watch it sink deep into the heart of those closest to me. But sometimes, the one that fires the shot is the one closest to me. Life is funny that way. Life is always a two-sided coin. Pain lives hand in hand with some of the grandest ecstasies of life. And although no one was there to protect me, I’m the one that is holding on to the bullet. I’ve waited for it to be removed. No hand has come my way. Not the hand I needed to see. So now, with the use of my own loving hand, I will give it back. Not out of anger. Not out of bitterness. But I know me. If I do not remove this, it will cause a shift that will change the future.

Oh yes, life requires of us great courage. Sometimes that courage is to stop and not pull the trigger. To realize that there is another way; that love requires of us to find the other way, so we set the gun aside. It takes courage to love someone; to hold their heart in our hand. It takes courage to cradle in our palm the most sensitive and intimate parts of another while balancing life in the other palm. It’s not easy. It takes careful steps. But most of all it takes thoughtful steps.

I sat quiet for most of my life. To this day I still find myself offering only bright eyes and a kind smile. It’s who I am. I do not look at this as a failing, but it is something that I need to find the courage to work past. If dear reader, you notice that your steps are heavy and that something has blocked your horizon, look at the weight that is on your heart. If you placed it there, examine it, heal it and let it go. If it was placed there by another, with a soft touch, find the courage to hand it back to them. It wasn’t meant for you to hold. It’s for them to heal and let go. But first, you must give it back. Never carry a weight that isn’t yours. Love you. Give it back.


8 thoughts on “Return to Sender

  1. iamforchange

    An interesting perspective and ending. Thank you for being so genuine in your expressed thoughts and feelings. 🙂 The darkest hour comes right before dawn so the saying goes, I have watched many dark hours and many sunrises as have you… I am seeing Shirley Temple here singing in my mind … Tomorrow, Tomorrow.. I will stop there and hope you smiled and even laughed. 🙂

    1. SaneSamantha Post author

      The thought of causing any pain or discomfort is not easy for me. I hope that what rests before me goes well. Either way, its a must. Its a must. Love to you ~ S.

  2. words4jp

    I know about the weight and I have tried to let it go. I am beginning to feel like I can. I know I have to – it’s the courage it takes to overcome the fear of letting go. This is a wonderful piece of writing. I wish you all the best in unloading your weight.

    1. SaneSamantha Post author

      It does take courage to let go. And I hope that it is viewed that way by the one whose hands I will be placing this into. It will be place there with deep love. We are all a bit stronger than we believe. So with that, my wish for you is that you too find your strength. Love to you ~ S.

  3. Rebecca


    How true are your words. I went through this a couple of years ago with two of my closest friends. I was always the intiator, always. I realized I created the problem by my willingness to always be there for them. In the final analysis, it was me who created the problem and me who hung on to the problem. I was afraid that if I pulled back I would lose thier friendship. I did pull back. I didn’t lose their friendship. I gained back a sense of self-respect. Sometimes we simply have to let responsiblity for a problem rest where it should and not always think our shoulders are broader than they are.


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