As many of you know, I haven’t felt well lately. I’ve been carrying a weight upon my heart that shouldn’t be there. And although I’m not to blame for its existence, I am to blame for allowing it to make my heart it’s home.
It was a hard decision. But I have decided to let this pain go. I have to give it back to the one who handed it to me. I’ve been given ample opportunity to do so. I back away each time. And as my life is a series of cyclical moments given to me for the purpose of my soul’s expansion, I must let it go if I am to move on.
Lately, I can’t even see the future. Pain has a way of doing that. It can blind us. It can tether us to one spot and suspend us in time. I want only to get lost in the moments that feel good, and turn a blind eye to the hurts of life, at times. The child in me has wanted to blanket this pain with something more pleasing. The problem is, once the pleasing thing is removed, the pain re-emerges and tightens the tether and clouds the future, once again.
It takes courage to do so many things in life. I’d rather step in front of a bullet than watch it sink deep into the heart of those closest to me. But sometimes, the one that fires the shot is the one closest to me. Life is funny that way. Life is always a two-sided coin. Pain lives hand in hand with some of the grandest ecstasies of life. And although no one was there to protect me, I’m the one that is holding on to the bullet. I’ve waited for it to be removed. No hand has come my way. Not the hand I needed to see. So now, with the use of my own loving hand, I will give it back. Not out of anger. Not out of bitterness. But I know me. If I do not remove this, it will cause a shift that will change the future.
Oh yes, life requires of us great courage. Sometimes that courage is to stop and not pull the trigger. To realize that there is another way; that love requires of us to find the other way, so we set the gun aside. It takes courage to love someone; to hold their heart in our hand. It takes courage to cradle in our palm the most sensitive and intimate parts of another while balancing life in the other palm. It’s not easy. It takes careful steps. But most of all it takes thoughtful steps.
I sat quiet for most of my life. To this day I still find myself offering only bright eyes and a kind smile. It’s who I am. I do not look at this as a failing, but it is something that I need to find the courage to work past. If dear reader, you notice that your steps are heavy and that something has blocked your horizon, look at the weight that is on your heart. If you placed it there, examine it, heal it and let it go. If it was placed there by another, with a soft touch, find the courage to hand it back to them. It wasn’t meant for you to hold. It’s for them to heal and let go. But first, you must give it back. Never carry a weight that isn’t yours. Love you. Give it back.