Waiting for this Moment

Teenage Girl Waiting for Train, Chicago, Illinois, 1960

Chapter One

We are all on a journey. My steps are no more important than yours. Your steps are no more important than mine. But there is a difference, and that difference is the imprint we leave with each step, and what catches our eye and draws our focus as we move along. Somewhere down the line I became quite aware of my soul; what it is my soul has set out to accomplish and the opportunities given me to bring about that end. I did not always have this awareness. I did not always understand nor appreciate the work of my soul. Now I do. And now, as I look back, I see the turning points of my life as the opportunities for my soul’s expansion as they were meant to be. Knowing this as I do hasn’t lessened the heartache of some of those moments. Knowing this hasn’t taken away the pain; but it has strengthened me. And for now, strength is enough.

Still, there have been a few times in my life, moments that altered me to the core, for which I’m still at a loss to understand. Even though the purpose of those altering moments is still beyond my understanding, in time I will see them with a deeper understanding; a level of knowing I’ve yet to cultivate due to my often turbulent psyche. But the turbulence I experience now is light in comparison to what it was in my earlier years. Now, I see the whipping winds of my mind as simply the moments when I’ve fallen out of alignment with my true self. These moments are not the end, as I sometimes fear them to be. They are times when my soul is striking with a diligent fist against a hardened or broken part within my being; a time when my soul has approached an obstacle buried within me. But the obstacle has purpose; this I now understand. My soul chose my turbulent mind and the body that contains it as the vehicle by which it wants to experience this wildly contrasting world. My soul knew that when the winds within my psyche kick up, it does so with a passionate force that can knock me off-center and send me tumbling to my knees. It is this same soul though, that knew it is upon my knees where I often unearth the hidden truths buried deep within me, so on my knees I must occasionally go. Oh yes dear reader, my soul knew that from even those moments brought about by my most doubting self and deepest fears – good can emerge. And so often it has.

I wouldn’t trade the person that is me, with all of my many particularities, for anyone else; even if their roads appear easier, even if their psyches appear softer and less inquisitive. It is a resolute truth of mine that my purpose can only be fulfilled through the vehicle that is me. And such is true with you. My walk has eased up after that one realization. I am a work in progress and always will be. However, I no longer see myself as flawed. I see even the broken pieces within me as the perfect catalysts that my soul needs to become what it has set out to become. I do view myself as that blackbird that wants to fly. And like the famous song says, I too have broken wings, but am learning to fly. I felt broken and blind for most of my life. Although many would not want to expose such a truth about themselves, I know that many feel the same: broken and blind, afraid to fly. Due to such, there they stay, suspended in place. It needn’t be that way. And I intend to tell you why.

Excerpt from the memoir, Blackbird Fly. The telling of which is one of the reasons it may seem I’ve been so silent as of late. Please know, dear reader, I am not as silent as it may appear. I’m merely telling a larger story that will be shared with you.

Sane

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8 thoughts on “Waiting for this Moment

  1. GARY

    I agree with Tonya. This is a beautiful story.
    The post starts by saying it’s “Chapter One”. I’m confused. I’m not sure how to read it. Is it autobiography? Fiction or non-fiction? Is it a novel? I’m willing to offer critical comments at gary@theologylite.com.
    Of what I’ve read from you, I feel a close relationship.

    Reply
    1. SaneSamantha Post author

      Thank you for the offer. But no critical comments are necessary. This is just the raw excerpt from my memoir. It is what has kept me so busy as of late. Thank you for your kindness. Best to you ~ S.

      Reply

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