Moving Through Me

I like that I write much like that of an impressionist painter. I paint with words. I construct my words in a way so that they are transferable. I want you to view what I write, and find a wall within your life where it needs to be placed. Some may read a sunset where others may read a sunrise. I like it that way. I like that I float across my reader’s mind in a way that my words settle into the crevices. I strike the chords that need to be struck. And such is life it seems.

I’m sitting here with a glass of wine, and once again, boxes surrounding me. A new address will soon be mine. It seems life keeps pulling me along. I’ve decided to surrender to the pull. I’m a bit tired right now, dear reader. The reasons are too intimate for me to reveal. But know this: I’ve been doing some thinking.

I sat in the sun today and prayed. I allowed the gracious sun to dance upon my closed eyes. I prayed with every cell within my body. The energy that is the sun, is me, and with all my energy I prayed. I uttered a simple statement. One that many of you have likely said when alone. I asked that my dreams be answered. The voice that speaks to me said, “What then do you dream.” My eyes opened. I stared at the sun while it stared at me. I shared the vulnerability that rests upon my soul. I said words that those closest to me don’t want me to say. But they are my truths. I must own them. Then I allowed my desires to move on.

As the sun set, I found myself bringing my day to a close while watching its decline into the western sky. In the span of an hour I thought many things. Images came to life within my mind. I prayed with anger. I prayed with reverence. I prayed with sweet words. I prayed with volume. I allowed the release of the bitterness that rests within me. Oh yes, some of what life has doled out as of late has left me bitter. I can’t just yet see the reason for its being. In time. In time. But not now. Instead, for the moment, I bid farewell to the dreams cast just earlier in the day; not because I don’t want them, but because I can’t see the world around me, none alone what lies ahead.

Spirit knows and God understands. All the while, my mind tries to play catch up. Right now I’m wrapped in confusion. What I wake feeling is far from what I feel upon my final blink of the night. Yet, as always, I feel the pull. Now is not a wasted time. I know that forward movement has me within its grip. I’ve surrendered to the undercurrent for the moment. In time I will buoy. Soon I will float again, dear reader. But this moment in time, this pull that forces me under is quiet necessary, you see. I won’t drown. No. Instead, life dunks us under every now and again. And while it does the sand that rests at the bottom of the sea swirls; life gets kicked up. I’ve learned to not panic. I’ve learned to not fight against the pull. Instead, I surrender. I allow life to move through me. I feel all that life is pushing through me. I feel sadness. I feel breathtakingly deep love. I feel longing. I feel anger. I feel bitter. I feel confusion. My eyes are open, yet at the moment all I see is swirling sand. And that’s okay. Life will sustain me.

Just remember, dear reader, that when life swirls around you – change is underway. Perhaps your prayers are being answered. But to allow you the answer, sand must be overturned, life must be shifted. Go with it. Rest assured that you will buoy again. Know that you’ll be alright. You are the energy that swirls the sand. You are love. You are the pull. You’ll be just fine.

Sane.