HIGHER FEES APPLY. Audrey Hepburn in Rome in 1970.

Last night I lost someone very special to me. Tragically, he was removed from my life by his own hand. He was a friend. He was a lover. He was a confidant. He had become part of the mosaic of my life. It was on a Sunday morning, some time ago, that without monitoring his words, he looked over the water and admitted that he was excited about his future – now that I was in it. And it was on that day, dear reader, that he took possession of my heart.

When he looked within himself he saw only limitations and broken pieces. When I looked within him I saw all he dared to see. I wasn’t afraid to look under and through the rubble. And when I did, when I raked aside all that had fallen down, I watched him come alive. But it wasn’t just the new growth that kept me. For a time, he stepped beyond his beliefs and into mine. For a time I sat next to him as we built a mosaic from all that once was broken and all that was still left whole. I loved every minute we shared holding the pieces of his inner being up to the light. God brought me into his life. The beautiful force of All That Is knew I owned a steady hand, and would reach deep. The energy of life knew that I would see beauty within his vulnerability. And I did. Oh dear reader, I enjoyed watching him shine in the light. I don’t believe he ever knew he could be viewed in such a way. I don’t think he believed he could sparkle in the light. But I knew how to hold his most fragile pieces – because I too once was broken. I know how to hold the fragments of myself and not look upon them with a critical eye. I no longer see fault or failing. Instead, I see a soul that needed to break free. And when I looked upon him I saw a soul that was shedding the past, and coming alive.

I saw beauty in my friend, even when he was at his worst. The thin vase he once was, had transformed into something that no longer sat in the corner. Instead, he was becoming the very mosaic that lined the pathway of his soul. That pathway led to life and light.  He was life and light. And it shined bright. On him. On his kids. And yes dear reader, it shined upon me.

I can’t say for certain what caused him to lose his grip. The pain of his shards cutting me, cut him. That I know. We both cut the other. But we also healed the other. Where once I fell asleep to the sound of his soft words of contentment, now there will be silence.

Thank you God for bringing this beautiful soul into my life. Thank you for causing him to boldly reach out and seek me. I loved his broken pieces as well as the whole. I wish he believed in himself, and hadn’t let go.

To my friend. You will be missed.  And I never wanted to say good-bye.


4 thoughts on “Broken

  1. Joe Bradshaw

    I am sorry for your loss, I know that feeling and the pain that comes with it, I have had a few dear friends choose to give up when I and many saw such beauty and potential. I bow my head humbly and extend my hug to you. I ask for peace for you and his family and friends.

    1. SaneSamantha Post author

      Thank you. There is a void in my heart. But I would never want to press upon another my desires. Their actions are their own. I own mine. They own theirs. I appreciate your kind words ~ S.


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