Self Discovery

Self Discovery 2

Halfway through my marriage it was shown to me that lies had been there from the start. With one child going through cancer treatment and another newly born, a substantial mortgage and a burgeoning business, I chose to look away. In that moment my spirit held its breath. I chose poorly that day, and the many days that followed. But I’m happy to say, the day did arrive when I chose differently. I chose full awareness.

It was a long road of discovery for me. When I looked in the mirror I did not like the woman I was made to see. I needed to walk the road I chose, however. I needed to own my misguided ways. If I hadn’t first stumbled and been made to free-fall would I be able to share the words I do today? My compassion is hard-earned. But it is a compassion that runs deep. Its honest.

I have no regrets for choosing poorly. As it was the only way I would fully understand the moment when I chose well. I confronted the lies of my life, that day. Not just those in my home but those said within me. The dominoes that fell afterward hit hard. Divorce ravaged everything I had worked so hard to retain. But the spirit has no concerns for the commodities of life. I feared being without. And I let it rule my days. When I chose to own the lies, I found the truth. Even though to many it appeared as though I had lost everything back then. What I lost was my cloak. What I found was my awareness.

Some wonder about the private life I now lead. It is true, I keep my circle small. And during the time I shared my life with my beloved friend, who is now gone, there were those that questioned him being right for me. Those closest to me saw what others failed to see. He didn’t lie. When it came to integrity we were perfectly aligned. This simple truth made up for a myriad of messy situations. We were honest even when it came to our failings, our fears and those things with which we were misguided. All things that most keep cloaked, we owned through honesty. To me truth is love and love is what aligns us with All That Is. My partner and I were connected on a soul level, and most likely will always be. The same is true with those closest to me. Our lives are linked together by way of love and uncloaked honesty. These things bring me a contentment I never had before. I will never settle for less again.

Lies are like weeds. For some of us clearing out one’s garden is a long, hard road to hoe. But its a must. Weeds choke the very thing we want to grow. And as hurtful as are the lies said by another, no lie is more damaging than the ones we whisper inside. I lied to myself for many years. The lies were masked in excuse-filled reasoning and self-doubt. My eyes opened when I hit bottom. I was a financially wealthy woman when that day came. But my heart was discontent and my soul was poor. Facts that required awareness for me to see.

Lies still enter my life. Maybe it’s the Universe’s way of making sure I’m tending to my garden. It is my job to pluck and pull and make way for the planting of positive seeds. I show my kids to do the same. It seems to me that this is how life goes. I had to move through many lies before I knew this truth. And that’s okay. Look into the mirror, dear reader, if like me, you see weeds that cloak and hide, have no fear. If you are seeing these things, then you have become aware; a sign that your soul has expanded. God will never bring something into your awareness before you are ready. So with that, dear reader, its time to weed.

Sane

 

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