Last night I sat at a vineyard. With the sun setting behind me and lavender wisteria hanging from above, I focused on one thing and one thing alone – the colors I painted onto the canvas in front of me. On the table sat my wine, neglected by me. And for three blissful hours I returned to me.
I would trade my walk for no other. I’ve come to the point where I know my purpose. I will admit, life changes when one walks with that particular knowing. I’m honored, however, that something within me is here to help heal something within others. Yet, I often forget to heal me.
I often overlook the hits that I too have taken. I downplay the void left within me, as my deepest prompting is to uplift, help and heal. And when it comes to those I love, this prompting is like breathing. It has become my default reaction. And it’s now what’s most natural to me. It took years to get here. To act less from the place of my often puny ego, and more from the place of my soul. I’m very steady within. Truth be told, I’m nurtured when nurturing others. I like this about me. It’s the beauty of my soul.
Yet there comes a time when something whispers softly, “Now let the same love you give others heal you.” And so with that, I sat patiently in a sundress on a warm evening and tried desperately to paint a steady line. I wasn’t hard on myself. I tried not to compare my work to the others. Instead, I was content with me and what my small hand could do. I got lost in me. And it was divine.
I felt my soul and mind recalibrate. Both fell back into line. None of this wiped away the many difficult moments of the last few years. It did not blot out my mother’s recent emergency room visit. It did not bring my father back, nor did it change my mother’s prognosis. It did not fill the void of the loss of my friend. It did not answer even one of the intimate questions I’ve posed to God, nor did it make up for the myriad of unfortunate circumstances that have littered my journey. My ego still questions many of those moments. My soul never does. Each one caused a recalibration within me. With each one, I developed further into who I was meant to be. Each time my ego and soul were redefined and realigned. Each one offered the opportunity for me to stand upon a new level within myself, if I chose. More often than not, even when painful to do, I chose to step up upon these new platforms. Last night, I stepped up on the platform that nurtured me.
Now, I’m going to stand here for a while. I’m going to look at who I’ve become. I’m going to look at how I’ve handled all of these many moments that have brought me here. I’m pleased that most of the time I’ve chosen to operate from a place of love and not fear. That I’ve acted out of compassion instead of anger. That I’ve allowed myself to shine through. It hasn’t all been graceful. I’ve fallen many times along the way. But then I stand, again. And once standing I step up. It takes no courage to step backward. It takes all the courage held within to move forward. So now, and for a while, I will rest. With my feet upon this newly formed, but very steady platform I’m just going to return to me.