Into the Distance

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It’s now the first day of the new year. Its been a rough day. It happens. I’ll recover. But its put me in the most peculiar of moods. So here I sit, doing the only thing I know to do, write. While seated in church, in other words, with music filling the air around me while I sit under the waxing crescent moon. This is how I heal.

I’ve always been one to seek solace by sitting and staring off into the distance. When young I would sit in the dark at the dining room table; the large FM radio playing softly while I stared at the lights in the distance from passing cars. Today, as if moved by an unseen force I found myself sitting at the water’s edge looking out. In that moment all I wanted was for night to fall so I could do what I am now doing. But instead of peeling oranges as I did as a young girl, I now sip wine and let my fingers busy themselves. While they do the words that come forth often teach me more than anyone else. This is the way Spirit moves through me. Healers come in all shapes and sizes, dear reader. Often my own fingers are used to heal me.

I found myself missing my mother terribly, today. I missed her support. I missed her presence. I missed the life I wish we had together. I wanted so much for her company. She really wasn’t that kind. And that’s okay. But I still wished for it just the same. She and I were so very different. I try to be the mother I had and the mother I wished for. I loved her dearly. It is still hard to believe she is gone.

I have absolutely no idea what is ahead of us. What I do know is that your emotions will always be there to guide you. Emotions speak. Although truthfully, many don’t understand their language. We misread them constantly. Listen to your core, dear reader. Pay attention to the subtle signals it sends. Your soul knows who you are. Every fiber in your body does too. Yet, so often we believe the voice of self-doubt, ridicule and fear. When we do we feel the pain well from deep within. That pain is because those thoughts aren’t stemming from your true self. Your emotions are trying to tell you that this is not your truth.

You are here for a reason. This I know. For each of us it is different. Each journey though, is meant to be joyful. Go in that direction. Your emotions will try to help you. Detach the best you can. Just because something brings you joy, doesn’t mean you are to capture it. Perhaps it was meant solely for a fleeting moment for you to know the feeling. This is hard, I know. Allow life to be, without your judgement of it. Feel and let go. Feel and let go. Spread your arms and inhale the glory of the world around you. For within it is all the things that delight you. Your emotions will help you filter those out.

Also too, it will help you to know the things that dishonor you. Those things are in conflict with who you are. And they hurt like hell. Don’t damn them. Detach, and step back. But remember. When someone dishonors you – you know. Emotions are powerful. But it’s what rests behind the emotion that empowers you – always. Discover it.

Our journey is one with constant blind corners. And at times it gets downright scary. At times we feel so alone its smothering. You aren’t, though. Look up. See the moon. See the sun. See the clouds. They stand like guardians; reminding you that you are part of something much bigger. The trees stand amongst us while we walk through our days; showing us that we always have a place upon which to lean. And the music, it is energy captured and put to rhythm. It’s what is inside of you. It is what’s trying to flow through you – always. Feel it. Breathe it in. Breath is much more than merely a mandatory condition of the body. Its how we move Life through us. Take this with you, dear reader.

And always, know that you are loved. Now I shall return to enjoying the last drop of my Cabernet while looking up at Venus and this beautiful waxing crescent moon. And remembering my mother, knowing that she is helping me around all the blind corners.

Sane

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7 thoughts on “Into the Distance

  1. Jan

    I read the first two entires. Full of beauty and insight. Inner work of course can often be painful but it is pain with a rich reward. You have had the courage to confront your demons lurking in the shadows and it shows in your writing and your presence.

    I’m looking forward to reading more but we are in the last stages of packing for lift off tomorrow-

    Happy New Year WGPW(Wonderful Graceful power Woman)

    Reply
    1. SaneSamantha Post author

      Hello, my kindred. The rewards of our hard work have been shown to us so many times, yes? And one of those rewards has been synching with those like you. Love to you ~ S.

      Reply
  2. Chua Han Au

    I love your pieces – they are but enlightening and inspiring, written with most flair and feeling.

    I’m sure your mother is omnipresently guiding you throughout your life, being there to give you that little push if need be. You are stronger than you think, truly.

    Have faith! 🙂

    Reply
    1. SaneSamantha Post author

      Thank you my dear friend. My strength is solid. Of this I have no doubts. Admittedly, I do get tired of having to rely upon it so much. We all have our crosses. I’m not complaining. Let’s hope though that by sharing my challenges it helps others feel less alone with theirs. This is my most sincere wish. Love to you. I am always delighted to see your gracefully worded comments ~ S.

      Reply
  3. Rebecca

    I understand your grief. My mother is still living but she isn’t either. She has dementia and I lose more of her every day. Like you, I love her deeply but I have always been the “mother” so I, too, try to be the mother I so wanted for my own daughter and granddaughter. Life can be hard sometimes. God bless.

    Reply
    1. SaneSamantha Post author

      I was spared from having to lose my mother in such a way. Toward the end she tried the best she could, even though a large part of her was already detached. She was a fighter, but she had no more fight. She had had a hard life. And, I tried to give you all I could when I had it to give. We do our best, don’t we my friend? Losing her has created a special kind of ache that I will carry with me until I’m done here. Your mother is blessed to have you watching over her. She feels you. Even if she can’t express it, her soul knows. Bless you. Much love ~ S.

      Reply

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