You Showed Me

Clara Bow in “The Wild Party” (1929), directed by Dorothy Arzner, part of the series “Dames, Janes, Dolls and Canaries.”Credit…via The Museum of Modern Art Film Stills Archive

I went to the beach today. It took a long time to find a spot to park my truck. Its not small. After much searching, I found it. I was able to pull in to an end space with ample room to back out. No one on my left side, and plenty of room to my right. All was well. 

Until I returned. Finding a white napkin slid under my wiper with a very crude message written in pink highlighter, accompanied with a heart drawn for snide emphasis. I assure you dear reader, my parking was not affecting anyone. And yet, this person, decided to take time from their day and leave me a message. I am guessing, they made assumptions about me. I don’t believe they liked the size of my truck. Little do they know my truck is not for show. Its necessary to haul me and my nest around while I explore the eastern coast. But its purpose doesn’t matter. It was not encroaching upon anyone.

I won’t lie. My first thoughts were not kind. After all, I am my father’s daughter. Then I quickly said, “what the fuck?” Then I ruminated. I am human. Rumination happens. I thought about the effort it took this person. Then I thought how awful their current mind space must be to write notes even when they haven’t been impacted. Simply put, my presence bothered them. And they wanted to let me know. They didn’t want to confront me. They wanted to release something within themselves onto me. And that’s what I thought about the most. 

I thought about how that’s what so many are doing right now. Releasing their negativity onto others. As if all of the dread and unhappiness they feel within themselves can no longer be contained and must be channeled outward. 

I believe we aren’t just what we say. We are what we do. We can never disconnect from our actions. Our actions are a direct reflection of something within ourselves. And, oh how our actions speak loud. I don’t believe people realize how much of themselves they reveal to others. But through our actions we lift the veil. Full exposure. They aren’t exposing others however, as they often hope. They are exposing themselves. We always are. 

I rolled into Target still bothered by the odd non-encounter, when I saw a man with his two dogs and sign simply stating, “Hungry. Please help.” He will never know that he was placed there for me. In addition to grabbing the few items I needed, I gathered up items for him and his dogs. I hustled back to where he was only to find him gone. But I knew I needed to locate him, so I asked for help from All That Is, and before too long there he was. I handed off the bag and accepted his appreciation with a smile. I wanted him to know that – I see him. He isn’t invisible.

Someone went out of their way to place negativity onto me. Or at least, to try. It was up to me what I did with it. Sometimes I handle things well. Sometimes I don’t. Today, I chose to use it as a catalyst to push me to do something out of the way, plain and simple nice for someone. So thank you negative note writer. You reminded me of how important it is to go out of my way to be kind. And how important it is to stop and transform negativity into something better. Little do you know, but your actions helped someone today.

Sane

Valentine’s Wish

Marilyn by George Barris, 1962.

I hope you feel love today, dear reader. Quite honestly, I hope you feel love every day. I hope love for yourself resides within your being. During life’s ups and down, whether alone or amongst a group – I hope you feel it for yourself. Yes, that is what I wish for you this Valentine’s Day. 

Life happens. People come and go. But you, well, you take yourself with you wherever you go. So the best thing you can do is feel deep resounding, completely non judgmental love for yourself. That’s not as easy as it sounds. We get caught up in the external. We want confirmation of our value. To be loved by another is a profound feeling. But its temporary.

We can’t accept love from another if we don’t yet feel it for ourselves. I’ve had great loves. I have also had the most empty relationships imaginable, hidden under the guise of love. It happens. I believe it happens to many of us. I believe there’s something to be gained from those experiences – all of them. Even the ones that turned my world upside down. We learn who we are in those moments more than almost any other time in our life experience. I wish they felt better. I wish they were easier, and yet if they were they wouldn’t serve their purpose. 

I feel there’s something to be learned about ourselves in every moment. Why something hurt us the way it did. Why something disappointed us so deeply. When all is said and done, if we choose, we can walk away knowing more deeply who we are because of those tumultuous experiences. I often say it’s who we are and who stands with us in the rain that matters most. I believe that. I believe it’s in the rain that we discover who we are. I love sunny skies. But, when it comes to making peace with our inner being – no other experience allows for that more than when the rain is pouring down. 

So this Valentine’s Day, I’d like to recommend to my fellow umbrella seekers, to treat yourselves in the most delicious way you can imagine. And come to terms with all of the ups and downs held within your heart. Please know I have had some downs. Some completely outside of my control. But I’ve also had ups that exceeded my expectations. They are all there, like threads in the tapestry that is my life. I need to be okay with each thread. I moved through those moments and those moments moved through me. I will never be able to separate myself from them. Nor can you. With love and non judgment look at them. 

The next thing I ask is for you to savor how beautiful you are. Set aside any self loathing. Set aside the impulse to compare yourself to others. And contemplate for a moment that within you resides a very special glow; a glint from the stars from which you came. No one – no one – has that same glint. Its yours. So wear it well. Yes you are the sum of your life experiences, but your are so much more. Own your tapestry. But remember, you are not your tapestry. You are the keeper of your history. But that’s all it is. History. Good and bad. You are the glint. You are the stars, crushed into dust and made into the most exquisite, unique person. And that is the person I love. So smile. Dance. Savor. And remember, no one can love you better than you.

Sane.

To Breathe Again

I hadn’t expected to write tonight. But the stars shifted and the planets aligned. In other words, it’s a good day. I wouldn’t be surprised if my readers have all moved on by now. But always know this, eventually, I’ll be back. That’s how it goes when writing is your love. You never can ignore your love. It beckons you. You long for it. So, finally dear reader, I am here once again with you. Oh how glorious.

My world is just as it should be. All is dark and the music is softly playing with only the glow of my MacBook. I used to write to you while looking out on the vast horizon. I’d watch cars in the distance, miles away. Ever since moving from that one writing spot, I’ve struggled to write as I’d like. But its in my blood, it’s the one thing I always long to do. It’s what always feels right. I have to imagine its similar to how it feels when reunited with the one you love.

It’s that time again, isn’t it? We’ve reached the end of another year. I love this time. It’s as painful as it is joyous. It is the embodiment of who I am. The dichotomy of me. I am always caught between extremes. I am the one who loves to share laughter with friends, and yet, turns down side streets while walking her dog as to avoid others. I love silence. I love rooms filled with activity. I love the deepest parts of me that sit unmoved and steady. I love the parts of me that seem to stir at the slightest gust of the wind. I guess, this is why I’ve never truly felt as though I’ve fit in. Because I don’t. It took nearly five decades for me to be okay with that reality. I’ll probably spend the next few decades I have left helping others do the same. Because we should all feel good with who we are; whatever shape and style that is. It doesn’t matter. You are you for the reasons you are. Love it all. And perhaps once you do, then you’ll be less tormented and more peaceful. And isn’t that why we are all here – to enjoy the experience? If not, then why?

This time of year stirs up so much for so many. But the stirring isn’t bad. It’s a good thing, as hard as that is to believe. Do what I do, look at it. Don’t dismiss it. Don’t become it. Stay the observer. Allow the memories from your past, the good and the bad. Allow the grief of things lost. Allow the grief of things you never even had. That’s okay. Every bit of it reveals something about where you’ve been. Always good to see what’s been buried, because whether you realize it or not, you carry with you the stones you’ve tried to hide.

With every new year I take this motley mix that is me and think about who I am. I like the me that makes no sense. I’m not always sure what to do with me. But I like me. So I stand at the cusp of a new year owning every newly upturned stone, every quirky nuance, every soft emotion that sits on top of a very independent personality. I’ve gotten better at recognizing how God works through the personality that is me. And with every day I try to let the God within me show more.

For as soft-hearted as I appear, I am not such a passive player in my life. Instead, I like how it feels when I choose to trust in God; the God that moves the heavens; the God that resides within me; the God that finds its way into every song; the God that moves the seas; the God that lives within the trees. So to this new year, let us all be more okay with who we are.

I hope to be back more often in the upcoming year I will always be back, at some point. Because, eventually, I have to breathe.

Sane

Judge Me Not

We are so much more than the labels put on us or the numbers associated with our life. One’s salary, savings or lack there of. One’s house value. Years of education. Pants size, shirt size or dress size. One’s color should not put them automatically into a compartment. One’s gender should have nothing to do with how they fight, live their life or what type of partner feels most right to them. Who you are has nothing to do with the stats that may, or may not, be associated with your journey. Dear reader, can you sense how tired of judgement I am?

And yet, it’s a profoundly human reaction to judge others. To size them up and then render verdicts inside our mind about who they are and what they believe. I say the hell with that.

In starting this women’s empowerment clothing line, I’m continually coming up against other people’s ideas about what this company should be.  Often, I have to pull back, take stock of all the decisions that have brought me to this point, noting if I’ve stayed true to my core principles – No Judgement. So as I get judged, sized up and put into a box, I have a choice. Show up as my highest self or get down and dirty to prove my point.

Truth is, I don’t need to prove anything. Nor do you. Our clothing is for all women. Even women who aren’t sure if they want to associate as women. If you like it and speaks to you, wear it. If it doesn’t, that’s okay too. Just know this, I have no desire to judge either way. I know how judgement feels. I know what it feels like to have someone take one look at me and size me up, incorrectly.

It took decades to shed the labels that have been thrown on me. Even the positive ones. I don’t like anything that limits. I’m me. I fumble and bumble my way along trying, always, to be my most authentic, best self. And when the impulse arises to judge another, and it always does, I try to harness the impulse before it develops into full-blown analysis and conclusion. It gets easier. Bottom line, if I don’t know you and you don’t know me. It should always start as a clean slate. Let me show you who I am by action and deed. Truth never can stay hidden. So give it time. Then decide.

This women’s empowerment clothing line doesn’t exclude anyone. Because all women could use empowerment in one form or another. Don’t be fooled to think otherwise. And I will continue to create affirmations that speak to all women, and do my damnedest to offer clothing that works for all women. It has been one of the hardest challenges I’ve ever undertaken. It may sound easy, but manufacturers don’t cater to all women. So finding something that works with a size extra small all the way up the line, and looks beautiful and is made of good quality materials, has been enough to turn my hair silver. There is no right or wrong in my book, except for that of exclusion and judgement. And damn these manufucturers like to exclude.

So dear reader, let’s all do our part to make this world a better place by judging less and loving more. Start with you. You can’t offer to others what you can’t first offer to yourself. Try not to limit someone because of their gender, race or socioeconomic situation. Try not to judge yourself by these things as well. We are all evolving. We are all fumbling and bumbling along; some more gracefully than others, yes. But we’re all still on a journey just the same. So be open. Be kind.

Am I a single mother, twice divorced with a business bankruptcy sitting in my past? Am I a victim of rape? Do I fight like a girl? How many degrees do I hold or funds do I possess?  How do you classify me? You don’t. I’m a spiritually guided soul who is doing their best in this world. There is no label or box that could ever fit me. And that’s just the way I like it and God intended me to be. Most likely the same holds true for you.

Sane