Category Archives: women

Night Driving

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Photo by F.C. Gundlach, 1954, Lo Olschner, ocelot coat by Berger, Hamburg.

There are days when I feel as though I’m driving through this world in the middle of the night on a road I’ve never traveled before. Truthfully, it feels like that a lot. I suppose however, that is the true definition of faith in action. I’m trusting that my desires rest just beyond my headlight’s beam.

Faith is a bit like walking through a pitch black room; trying to get to the other side one slowly keeps putting one foot in front of the other, trusting that with each step they will feel the ground. The ground isn’t visible. But they’re trusting it’s there. Really, anything else would not be faith. Anything less would not be utilizing inner Knowing, it would be utilizing a mind that has already seen the outcome.

As I continue to build this women’s empowerment clothing line, the more and more I realize that I am on a cross-country journey of faith in action. My inner self is elated. My mind, well, that is the part of myself I’m always training. Because my mind keeps wondering what is beyond the headlights. For all it knows, instead of road the earth could just drop off, taking me with it.

So when I get amped up and filled with anxiety, or worse, caught in a moment of utter self-doubt, I sit and remind myself – just drive. Keep moving forward. Don’t speed, as that kicks up the fear triggers. Instead, motor along and enjoy the ride. Look around more. The headlights are illuminating everything I need to see in the moment. So take in the moment. Stop wondering what is beyond my sight line. Perhaps what is just out of view is still being brought together by the Universe in honor of my continued belief and faith.

If the desire is within us, and the passion is there to fuel the desire, then it is meant to be. It has a purpose and my job is to honor the desire by moving forward Knowing that what is meant to be will be. I am not to expect a certain outcome. I am not to get weighed down in What Ifs. I’m meant to believe that the road will take me where this desire is meant to go.

Desire is what makes life worth living. And life should be a bit more fun than we often allow it to be. When we worry about what rests ahead we often fail to see and appreciate what is being given to us in the now. And there is usually always something of value meant for us to notice in the present. Perhaps doing that one simple act of appreciation is what helps to orchestrate what’s to come, what will soon fall into the range of our headlights. Perhaps faith is Divine fuel.

So dear reader, when getting where you want to go feels overwhelming try to let go of wondering what is ahead. Trust that as you move forward, as you keep taking the necessary steps to do all that you can do to keep driving, you will get there. People and places and experiences will fall into place. Most likely, they are waiting for you just around the bend. The headlights won’t show those things until you make a few more turns. Keep appreciating what you can in the now and keep driving. Life is a lot like a cross-country adventure. There are times when it feels as though you aren’t moving. There are certain states that seem to take a lifetime to drive through. About half way through you begin to convince yourself you won’t make it. But you will. Take your time. Try not to give up.

Sometimes the kindest thing you can give yourself is a release. Release your timeline, release your hard fast rules or expectations. And trust that All Is Well and everything is working – you just may not see it yet. Breathe. You’ll get there.

Sane

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Being Beautiful

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I have never felt beautiful. So yesterday, while walking by a group of people, a man and woman turned to look at me; first at my face, then my shirt. They did what so many do – they sized me up. Then I did what almost all of us do, I joined them. Its an odd thing how our ego is poised and ready to tear us down.

Truthfully, I spent the majority of my life never feeling beautiful. It wasn’t until the last few years of my life that I’ve come to know my beauty. But it isn’t the kind of beauty the media likes to persuade us into believing is most important. The kind of beauty of which I speak is inner beauty, which is what we feel and others see. What we are on the inside is always revealed on the outside. For me, it wasn’t until my dark night of the soul that I came to understand what stood between me and believing in myself. It wasn’t until, out of sheer exhaustion with life that I found myself staring into the eyes of the demon that had plagued me since my earliest days.

The demon of which I speak is the kind we all have. It lives and breathes in the darkness of our shadow. Its voice is often weaved through the voice of ego. Its constant declaration is that we are not good enough. That we will never be what we want to be. We will never have what we want to have. It bounces around. Its target and diatribe ever shifting the blame. But the core of its message remains – you are nobody. And everyone knows. Who do think you are? You will never be as beautiful as others. You will never be smart enough. You’re a failure. Life stinks. You stink.

Depending upon what has happened to you in your life, the shadow side can cast an overwhelming presence. Which explains why so many avoid it at all costs. And, there is a cost. We pay greatly when we turn our back on this side of ourself. Like an untended garden, the weeds of our fears begin to overtake all that is beautiful and healthy. Dear reader, I had reached my end, which is what led to my dark night of the soul. I really had nowhere else to go but to travel deep within myself and confront my fears.

But within this darkness, I discovered, there is Light. And there is a mirror. We get to see Who We Are. Even when surrounded by all the falsehoods I had believed about myself for nearly four decades, I was shown a Light that allowed me to see past the illusion of my fears. And when I shined the light, the darkness became illuminated. There was great beauty there. There was Love. A love that had the ability to strengthen me to stand up against my deepest fears. When I did, the demon went into submission. And my life has never been the same since.

But like with all things, I have to keep a watch on it. There are times, when a side glance from a stranger will bring that demon to life. Once again, it will try to override my thoughts. Its up to me to shine the Light back onto it. I’ve seen it for what it is. It isn’t big. It’s small. That’s why it fought so wildly within me like a small, crazed animal. It didn’t have mass on its size.

As I mulled around with my daughter yesterday, I gave thought to what had occurred. I gave pause to all the thoughts that sprung to life within me. You see, dear reader, I was wearing one of the shirts from my women’s empowerment clothing line. It was the I AM shirt. The design, upon first glance, is simple. Its message, at least to me, profound. Surrounding the words: I AM, are all the words I spent a lifetime believing I wasn’t: I AM beautiful, healthy, radiant, love, peace, abundance, success, joy, enough. And because we can never see in others what we can’t see within ourselves, I never saw any of these things in my life. All I use to see was a shifty world with people, places and things that I couldn’t count on. Life didn’t feel beautiful to me. I didn’t feel beautiful to me.

But life is, and so am I. Not the kind of beauty that ego tries to say is the measure of success. No. In fact, the core of my Being doesn’t give a damn what others think. My ego does. Within myself I finally found my beauty. It was there all along. It is singular to me. It’s kind. It’s nurturing. It’s peaceful. It’s strong when protecting, soft when loving. It is Love. Under all those layers of insecurity and fear, is Love. And love is beauty. Its within us all. So when I wear my I AM tee, its my way of reminding myself that its okay to recognize my beauty. Actually, it’s a hard won victory being able to do so. And it’s a victory that finally allowed me to recognize it in others. I may not be a Covergirl or a super model. I look like me. And within me is someone I’ve come to love greatly. I am the kind of beautiful that means something to me.

Sane

Fuck the Dark Voice

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I’ve always found it odd how happiness doesn’t fuel my writing. Instead, the voice of wisdom tends to hit the page during times of turmoil, frustration or sadness. Not that the voice is these things. The voice is always steady, and embodies Love. But there’s something about those emotions that seems to work as a muse that nudges me to write. Due to such, here I am.

I have a few frustrations and disappointments encircling me. One involves a situation from which I’m having to step back. Truthfully, this is being done out of love; for myself and for the other. As a friend and as a spiritual healer, my motives have been called into question. A heartbreaking accusation, to say the least. I stood by my friend through thick and thin. But, these words can’t be undone. The hurt is near breathtaking.

If anything, I’m going to let the wicked words be the fuel that helps further bring forth Love and Light. Its my personal way of giving the Darkness a rowdy middle finger.

People have misconceptions about those of us called Light Workers. We come in all shapes and sizes and personalities. But we are human. We have feelings. We wrestle with the same grit as those who aren’t healers. And some of us, have enough piss and vinegar inside of us that we could easily, yet unintentionally, bowl you over. What I find the most entertaining is how Source has called forth some of its most testy healers, and imbued them into a human frame and energy that embodies a deep filter of Love. Meaning, we love with strength. We aren’t easily swayed or fooled. Something that pisses off ego more than I can say. But, we see the Light within, and because of that, we stay put. Until…we can’t.

This has been one of the things I’ve loved most about myself. When I love, I do so with steadfast determination and with a fierceness that can go to battle. Those closest to me know that I will and have walked through fire for those I love. I don’t want a pat on the back. What fills me is knowing that I aided someone during a dark, dark time.

I can’t turn off the voice that whispers words of wisdom, nor do I any longer try. It’s odd, but its me. I’ve learned how to distinguish its voice from that of my own. And at forty-six years of age I’ve learned that I can trust that voice better than I can trust the voice of any person. It’s never forsaken me. My job is to learn how to speak what that voice says – with Love. But sometimes what that voice wants shared is not the easiest to say. I guess, in part, that’s why I’m here. To share words that help heal and empower, but to do so with fierce Love. I surrender to that calling each and every morning. It’s who I am and I am humbled and honored. But don’t mess with me.

We all have such a backup. We all have such an inner power. We’re all here with purpose. Hell isn’t something you experience when dead, it’s here within your mind while alive. It’s the voice that lives and breathes in blame and shame and hurtful words. Its the voice that smears those who have stood beside you, then when they’ve been pushed far enough away, it turns its attacks on you. Where is heaven, then? Oh, dear reader, its right here, right now. Heaven is the peace of knowing you aren’t owned by that voice of doubt, any longer. Heaven is knowing your mind no longer turns all that is good into something bad. You step into heaven as soon as you take over what is inherently yours; your life. You never get to wield your inherently divine power over your life while hovering in a negative space.

People have this idea about spiritual healers. They see them as wisps that can be easily walked over due to their calling. Or are airy fairy and use woo woo sticks to connect to Mother Earth. Nothing could be further from the truth. True, they endure more than many could. But, they do so because of their purity of intention. They are sustained by the knowing that they are helping another find their way.

Sometimes healers look like what you would imagine, and then you have ones that look like me. Sometimes they ride Harleys and love the thrill of speed. We will tell you the truth like no one else. You can also count on us, like no one else. But believe you me, they can and will tell you to go fuck yourself. Not because they don’t love you, but because they do. But for the most part, they sit and wait. And when you’re ready, they remind you of your worth and that there’s much work to do, so get going. You aren’t alone.

As for me, I’m going to grieve, breathe and recharge, then let the Divine restore me. Then I will return to what the Universe has me do – help empower those who have forgotten how powerful they are. Not ego power. But Divine grace that rests within each and every one of us. You are amazing. Pitch the lens of fear. And look at the world through the lens of Love. Then you will see that life has been trying to work with you, not against you. Oh, and dear reader, if you find yourself wondering if you are listening to the voice of Love or the voice of egoic fear, ask yourself how you feel. If you feel good – completeness from within – that’s Love. If you feel dreadful, there’s a good chance its the voice of fear. Fear sits at the polar end of Love. You have my permission to give that voice the middle finger.

Sane

Freedom Through Awareness

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Give yourself the gift of freedom. Know the part of you that tries to speak over the voice of Source. Know the part of you that tries to tie you down. In other words, know your demons. They accompany you wherever you go. And they’re not there by happenstance. Believe me, dear reader, few things are more empowering than staring straight-on at that which tries to hold you down.

I’ve come to know that these demons that I once felt certain held me captive, are in truth, the helpers toward my freedom. For the point of this writing, I’ve called them demons. But only because they rest on the back side of Love, God and Source. You can’t ignore the shadow side. It doesn’t work that way. But by awareness, the shadow no longer stands in the way of the Light. Instead, it helps point us toward the Light. Think of it this way: how can one know True North, without recognizing south upon their compass?

Darkness being as uncomfortable as it is, one could reason that its best to ignore it all together. But I’d advise against it. Instead, sit down with it. Ask why it’s there. Subjugate through awareness. See it for what it is – a shadow of your Higher Self – that which rests at the other end of your full potential. Use it as a gauge that reveals your alignment with Source. Are you walking with the arrow that points toward True North, your Higher Self, or against. We always feel it when we walk against the arrow, don’t we? It feels absolutely rotten, alone and empty. It feels as if we are turning away from all that is good. We suddenly feel lost. And it feels that way for a reason.

There are times when these inner forces spring to life, and lean toward overpowering. But if you know the demon well, then you know its ways. And you are less likely to be caught off guard by that which you know, than by that which you do not.

I learned that these shadow aspects of, who I am, have the same value as those parts of me that seem to shine so bright. My journey made more sense once I listened to what my demons had to say; what it is I feared the most; what it is that had the ability to keep me up throughout the night. Rarely now am I knocked off-balance. Not because the hits are fewer; but because I’ve learned to look with full awareness at the compass Source gave me.

I could say that life would be easier sans these inner tormenters. But freedom never feels the same unless first imprisoned. The exhale given once turned back in the right direction is deeper and fuller due to having known the struggle to breathe while lost. Demons are often the most profound inner teachers we have along life’s journey. Mine are there for a reason; chances are, yours are too. Stop running from them. Stop misreading them. Instead, look at them. Look at where they are leading you. Then turn around, grab the key that has always been in your hand. Open the door, and set yourself free.

Sane

 

My Mother. My Safe Space.

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The Young Writer, Awards Night with Mom.

I remember one time in middle school having to call home. I can’t recall my reason. Complaints of illness, perhaps. My father was in the hospital a lot during that time; his body shutting down due to his advanced alcoholism. I mustered all the courage I could find to make my way to the office to express my needs. An anxiety-inducing task for this shy, young girl, in and of itself. But the office secretary required me to call and talk to my mother, directly. As soon as I heard her voice, on the other end, I cried. There’s just something about my mother’s voice that cuts to the core of me, and exposes my heart wide.

Most likely because my soul knew that with her, I was safe. Safety can do that to a person. The ego, which so often tells us how hardened we must be due to this world, has a difficult time convincing us of the same when it comes to certain safe people.

After rushing my son to the hospital due to his brain tumor, it was my mother who again provided this safe space in my hotel room each night. Not my husband. My mother. She sat quiet while I railed against God for coming after my son. She sat quiet while I wept afterward, asking forgiveness for all the harsh words I had just spoken. Her silence wasn’t judgmental. She did one of the most giving things one can do for another, she allowed me to work through my emotions while holding me in the safe space of Love and Light.

I went through a rather hard time at the conclusion of this last year. One that pushed me not only to the edge of my physical being, but more importantly, one that made me question myself as a spiritual guide. It was she that I called. And as soon as I heard her voice I cried.

My tears have always been safe with my mother. I am so grateful for her.

Dear reader, people matter. People are one of the most significant, magical, loving ways through which Spirit works with us, and for us. I lost my mother the other night. It was unexpected. I didn’t get to say goodbye.

While racing to the hospital I spoke directly to her spirit. Oh dear reader don’t think for a second that the little girl in me didn’t want to beg her to stay. It did. But my own soul wouldn’t let me be selfish. Instead, it pushed me to operate from a place of love. So I told my mother that if she wanted to stay that the Heavens would support her. But if she wanted to go, I understood. It was okay. I wouldn’t hold it against her. Within seconds of my words entering the air around me, my mother’s presence entered my Jeep, and settle onto the passenger seat beside me. At first I felt my body resist, as if I could push against, and thus change reality. Then I softly broke, and felt her riding along next to me. I knew.

And now I find myself bouncing between the world of extremes. My physical, emotional and spiritual being wanting only to feel her dainty arms wrapped around me, once again. And the world that demands that I discuss how to handle her passing, often using terms so technical I have to remind myself they are actually talking about my mother.

When I left the hospital, the other night, I told her that I wasn’t strong enough for this, not yet. She returned to the passenger seat, cigarette in hand, as it usually was, and said, “Yes you are.” She never really did mince words. The majority of who I am agrees with her. The small child in me needs time. But the all of me sees the love, knows the love and feels the love. And the all of me is so very grateful that I was given this beautiful, feisty, little Indian scout as a mother. She pulled me through so many rough times. She held me like no other. She loved me like no other. She was like no other. I hope I blessed her life as much as she blessed mine.

Sane

Today Is a Good Day

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Those closest to me know that I have been hard at work over the last year developing something that felt pressed upon me by Source in such a way that I couldn’t ignore it, even if I wanted to. Fortunately, I didn’t want to. Helping others see within themselves that which they can’t yet see is a deep passion of mine. I can’t say I asked for this passion. As often its a rather muddy endeavor. But like most things brought to us by the Divine, even the hardships are surrounded by Love and Light and a certain beauty that brightens the darkest of days. So I pressed on.

Today marks the official opening of my women’s clothing company, Rebel Spirit Empowerment from Within. The world feels better when we believe in ourselves. And because we are all One, how we feel about who we are, and our part in this whole thing we call life – matters.

Each of us plays a role in the health of the whole. And no one can overpower our free-will. It is up to us to decide how we view the world around us. But what is most important is how we view ourselves. Because it is through that filter that we view the world. When we feel abandoned inside, we view the world through the ache of loneliness. When we are broken within, and left unhealed, we view the world through those shattered pieces. In the end, we live viewing our world through a distorted lens.

It needn’t be that way. The world will always possess the dichotomy by which it is made. It must. We must have both extremes. We would not be able to grow by way of continual Higher choices if we were not given the chance to choose what serves the spirit versus what serves the ego. So try not to wish for a world filled with only sunshine. Instead, heal your lens. Then you will be able to view the beauty that rests in the dark.

Love yourself. Believe in yourself. You are here with a purpose. You have great value and great beauty within you. I see it. But it wasn’t always that way. I couldn’t see it until my own lens was valued. I was given a choice. I could keep seeing the world through the brokenness within me, or I could set about to love each and every shard. I chose the latter. And out of that I got down on my knees and began to piece together the All of Me. I love the mosaic I now see. What once were flaws are now pieces that fit perfectly into the backdrop that surrounds me. I own them. Those moments were hard. But they made me into who I am today. I have great empathy due to them.

So, you see, its time we start looking inward. Instead of pointing outward and blaming others for why we are the way we are – its time to start looking inward. But doing so with great love and tenderness for how you got where you are. The greatest love affair you will ever have is the one you have with yourself. All other relationships mirror how you love – you.

Dear reader, today is a good day to start loving who you are.

Sane

Falling In Love

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I can’t speak for how it is in any other country, at present. But for those of us here in the States, we’ve been hit with a barrage of reminders from the media that it’s Valentine’s Day. A time for love. History is a bit hazy as to a definitive origin for this holiday. So, I like to go with the one that feels best to me. February marks the time when nature looks toward new growth, new life, a new season. I like that idea.

There is a new season awaiting you, dear reader. Its waiting, and its bursting with potential. But you must do the work to bring it about. The fertile ground of which I speak has nothing to do with what’s out there, and everything to do with what’s inside you. When you look upon yourself do you offer up harsh words of judgment. Do you whisper self-criticism when you look in the mirror. If so, please stop. Instead, start planting kind words into your mind.

I want you to fall in line with one of the most Divine guides given to us, nature. See yourself with promise. See yourself as an ever-changing, ever-developing, ever-unfolding creation that gets to ride through many seasons while here. Each season, guided by both nature and our own beliefs. We can never be more than our beliefs. So, what do you believe about yourself?

Give yourself the gift of self love and appreciation, not just today, but for this new upcoming season, and every season. It starts with this simple, yet poignant, ritual – look in the mirror, and fall in love with who you see. All of your past beliefs rest upon the face that’s looking back at you. And within the eyes that are gazing hard upon your own, is your inner being. The child within you. The person who has walked through trials and tragedies. The person who has taken more beatings from you than it has ever taken from any one else. Also is the person who loves to laugh; who loves to sing; who loves to play; who loves to savor the deliciousness of life. Be courageous, and feel what is stirred within you as you lock eyes with your own image while repeating these simple words: I love you.

There is a very strong likelihood that the person in the mirror has not been loved by you – not fully. Instead, its had to harbor years of criticism and judgement. Let those words not touch your tongue this year. When those thoughts fall into your mind, sweep them away with love. Don’t damn yourself for having them. Remind yourself that they are merely a habit you started long ago. Maybe they started by way of words spoken by another, but you took it from there and made them your own. Your brain, the magnificent tool that it is, has created default pathways that cause – what was – to be – what is – until you break the habit. Then a new pathway is formed. Like giving up anything familiar, it takes time. But that person in the mirror is worth it.

Be courageous, dear reader. Stop looking externally to be loved until, at the very least, you have first found it within yourself. Surround yourself with thoughts that edify, uplift and encourage you. Add to your life those things that bring you joy. Start to cherish you as if you were the love of your life. Because, quite honestly, you are.

Sane