Stillness

It’s an interesting journey, the journey of self discovery. As I move along, Source brings new things into my experience that cause me to shine a light upon myself in places I haven’t yet looked. Once there, I’m able to see my soul’s growth. More importantly, I’m able to see the extent that my mind has been reshaped. Am I a servant to the mind. Or is my mind a servant to my soul. These moments happen in stillness.

There was a point when my internal being was a place of chaos. Like a storm that descends upon the ocean and whips the water into a wild mix of waves, my inner being was anything but calm. Now, those waves are few and far between. More often than not my soul sits still upon the surface of my human frame and the mind that controls it.

I’ve given good thought lately to life, love, religion, human interaction and what it truly means to be one with God. This stillness within me is my church. And I take my church with me wherever I go. There are times when this truth causes me to weep with appreciation. Never are these calm, divine waters of stillness held apart from me. But there are times when it feels life, or my reaction to it, causes a separation. Instead of floating on still waters I find myself, seemingly, miles away from the very waters I hold so dear. Then I panic.

I scramble, I grow sad, I grow weary and exhausted and have nothing left to give anyone around me. It is always from upon divine waters that I write to you, dear reader. But life isn’t about seclusion to the point where we never experience adversity. Life is about keeping our inner water calm while the storms of life rage around us. Its about keeping the portal to Source clear and unobstructed. And taking that connection out and into the world.

To me stillness is God – in full. It is there that I can hear with the most clarity and see most clearly. When there I fortify. From there I can, once again, go anywhere. And I can do so carrying the stillness with me because it is active and alive within me. I can witness mankind and see it through the eyes of love. The eyes of my soul. The eyes of Source – God.

I encourage you to go and sit upon the waters of your inner being, dear reader. Don’t grow frightened if you find yourself caught in waves that push you around. Tend to the waves. Give them your love. Love heals. Love calms. In time, what was once a raging storm of waves fueled by hurt and fear will become waters of wisdom and grace.

Go there. Look at yourself with compassion. Tend to your waves. Within stillness we feel the peace of love. The love of God and Source and All That Is; love that was there all along. To feel it, we just have to get still. Storms of life come and go. But your stillness will remain.

Sane

Being Good To Me

I’m pretty good to me. You would think doing so would come natural. It doesn’t. And when I say, “being good,” I don’t mean that of the selfish variety. No, the kind of treatment I mean is that of honoring one’s self. This has always been a challenge for me, especially now that my spirit has expanded somewhat. You see, dear reader, I do unto others as I would like done unto me. I have no regrets. My actions stem from my inner truth, which is a place of love.

Then it happens. The scales refuse to float in balance. I step back and have to view the situation. And when I do I notice my actions are right. But I’ve lost myself amidst it all. I’m left with the seemingly selfish thought: What about me? In my attempt to do right by another I’ve ignored the gentle signs of impending imbalance. There are times when we extend so heavily to another, especially when they are in need, that reciprocity should not be a consideration. But otherwise, it is.

Those with whom we surround ourselves are vital to the shaping of our reality. Without any words spoken, we are telling the Universe that this exchange of actions and energy is acceptable – please bring more. Yet, if what’s being given to you by another is not how you would treat them, and it isn’t how you would treat you – then stop allowing it. Once you do, the eyes of Heaven turn. The revised, unspoken request is noted. And with enough time, new people and experiences will come your way.

Treat yourself well. Love yourself like you would like to be loved. That starts the ball rolling. Now keep it moving in the right direction by surrounding yourself with those that do the same. Nestle yourself in the synergy of like souls.

Barring the soft learning curve of genuine foibles as you grow and learn the ways of another, don’t settle for less than the love you give. So, again I’ll say, what are you giving to you? Do you give to others yet cut corners when it comes to you? Do you lessen your dreams, tether your hopes? If so, the Universe will never be able to work beyond your limitations. Remove the limits. Sit and bask in thoughts filled richly with everything you want. No restrictions. It’s in the privacy of your head, after all. Have fun with it. From there, be the best person you can be – beginning with your treatment of you. Now your energy is in synch with the force that brought you here. You are loved. You are worthy. If not, you wouldn’t be here. When you look in the mirror see a person who is evolving, maybe slowly, maybe in warp speed – either way, you are a work in progress and today is a new day. No one is better than anyone. Whether we care to admit it or not, we’re all in this game together.

Life reflects back to us our beliefs. First and foremost then, believe yourself to be worthy of being treasured and treated well. This starts with how you treat you. You are always the first and defining number in the equation of your life. Always. Now take that love with you wherever you go. See others as the hapless, searching, loving, sometimes completely messed up people that we all are. Give them your patience and grace. Allow your love to spread. But don’t drop your awareness. If how you are being treated is less than how you would treat another or how you would treat yourself – love yourself enough to take notice. The life you want starts by being good to you.

Sane

The Great Divide

It’s like medicine to sit with a blank page before me. Like many, I often turn away from that which I need. I need this, and yet – life – life, and its many obligations are ever present. At times I feel as though I don’t have the energy to inhale another breath, none alone fulfill my dreams.

But tonight, I sit, and patiently absorb what the blank page offers me. I get to enjoy the cadence of writing; the beats that fall within each syllable. My frustration with life and the clusterfuck of everything that swirls around me falls away once I take my seat, and turn my gaze inward. This white page is the doorway to my soul. Always has been. Chances are – it always will. Writing is my true north.

There are moments when I am nearly convinced I will not live long enough to write all that is within me. Recently someone asked me to think about the star toward which I’m aiming my life. I’ve been sitting with that thought for a few days now. In many ways it feels like that star rests in another galaxy, far, far away. But it doesn’t. It’s here. And much of that star rests within my hands, here and now.

But there is much work to be done. There are many leaps left for me to make. And I will. There is nothing more centering, more calming, more divine than when I dampen the din of the outside world, and listen to the one inside. Whether crafting a fictional story, or devoting my time to the completion of my memoir – all of these many genres hinge upon the same routine – I sit and stare at a blank page. I panic for a brief moment. Then it flows. Sometimes these words mean little to you but almost always they mean the world to me.

The great divide between the life you live and the life you want for yourself, will always be singular to you. For some its conquering the battlefield of fears that separate us from living a life alone and living a life with our forever person. For others it’s about claiming one’s voice; speaking their mind and owning their truths – becoming the person, they were always meant to be. This divide is part of the topography of every expanding soul. It is part of the expansion. The soul urges us to push forward because one of the integral reasons it’s here is to expand in that one direction. Generally, it’s the one area that causes us the most trepidation; the one area that causes us to pull back; the area that can easily spin our world upside down.

If you have found yourself staring at that divide, take a moment. Look out into the horizon – see your star. Find your focal point. Look to your side, see my words, and know that you are not leaping alone. Also too, know that you aren’t here to arrive at that star. You are here to find your inner strength, and to take the leap. You are here to travel, not to arrive.

Say it with me: It’s okay if I rest. It’s okay if I pause. It’s okay to laugh, and it’s okay to cry. But on my final day I will not look back, and see that I never made the leap. I may fall. But I will get up again, until one day I look back – and see behind me – the great divide.

Then I’ll keep walking.

 

Sane

A Fluid Life

I’ve never been one to write with a saccharin touch. Honesty has always been a component within my underwaters. And I’m quite certain it always will. My readers have come to know that if they are wanting fluffy words that sit on the tongue like cotton candy, they need not let their eyes settled onto my page. However, I don’t think the truth should bring a person down. Glib, cheery words during my most unsettling moments have never given me strength. Yet, the truth has empowered me time and time again. And the truth is, life consists of both the good and the bad. The trick is to not become those moments. Instead, let them flow. Ride it out. You are the ship, the moments are the waters. Sail through.

If you noticed you’re experiencing one of life’s more enjoyable offerings, don’t cling to it. Don’t drop anchor and demand that nothing ever change. Once you do you begin to rob it of its beauty. You begin to fear how it will be once it is gone. Just let the beauty flow through and around you. Soak it in. Breathe it in. Allow it to leave its imprint upon your emotional memory. Then let it be. If you don’t put a death hold on it, then you’ve matched the energy, and all like energy finds its way back to one another. And that emotional impression will be there for you when you most need a soft place to rest your mind. If a moment lifts your heart within your chest, it’s a gift. Be sure to say thank you. Thankfulness is a match to the divine. And the more you keep yourself matched to the divine the better life becomes.

If, on the other hand, you are nestled deep within one of life’s more unsettling moments, again, don’t become the moment. Allow your energy to remain soft. Try not to steel yourself as a way of protection. All you’re doing is becoming a vibrational match to that which you are trying hard to resist. Before you know it, everything turns cold and rough around you. Not because that is all life has to offer, but because life is working to match the energy you are emitting. Often some of our most valuable lessons come by way of difficult moments. They happen not because you failed, but because there was something key that could only be learned in that particular way. So, pay attention to them. The better you are at responding to those ugly moments, impacts greatly how often they will return.

Now, all of this may sound too simplified. I know. There are times when I am riding higher than a kite, just to notice the ground beneath me has fallen way. Life happens. All of it moves through our journey. If you are to practice anything I would advise that you practice not becoming the moment, simply allow the moment its due. Allow both the good and the bad to exist, all the while remain true to who you are. Believing that all is well is not the simplistic ways of optimistic folly. It is a state of being that has great implications on one’s life. When one’s vibrational plateau is that all is well, then when all situations arise, and they always do, life moves them along easier, softer. We are met with more experiences that match our belief, so predominantly speaking, wellness becomes our predominant experience. And the bad times are met with a centered mind and a more fortified heart. We know that it will pass and that we will be okay. In my opinion, this is a crucial knowing along one’s spiritual evolution.

Allow yourself a good deal of slack. If you notice you are not filled with joy but instead are possessing a fuck it sort of disposition, let it ride. Let it flow through you. We are spirits dwelling within these human forms that are often hindered by our mind. The mind has many glitches. Try not to get too worked up about it all. Allow yourself to flow through your emotions just like you are trying to allow life to flow through its many happenings. Fate brings us both the good and the bad, it’s all part of the material that helps our souls grow. So, again, look at what comes your way, then let it flow. A bad day will pass as quickly as the best day of your life. They are all fluid. But it’s who you are and how you respond to each that’s key. It’s in those moments that you are given the opportunity for your soul to expand, and also to set the course of what comes your way.

Sane

Waiting for this Moment

Chapter One

We are all on a journey. My steps are no more important than yours. Your steps are no more important than mine. But there is a difference, and that difference is the imprint we leave with each step, and what catches our eye and draws our focus as we move along. Somewhere down the line I became quite aware of my soul; what it is my soul has set out to accomplish and the opportunities given me to bring about that end. I did not always have this awareness. I did not always understand nor appreciate the work of my soul. Now I do. And now, as I look back, I see the turning points of my life as the opportunities for my soul’s expansion as they were meant to be. Knowing this as I do hasn’t lessened the heartache of some of those moments. Knowing this hasn’t taken away the pain; but it has strengthened me. And for now, strength is enough.

Still, there have been a few times in my life, moments that altered me to the core, for which I’m still at a loss to understand. Even though the purpose of those altering moments is still beyond my understanding, in time I will see them with a deeper understanding; a level of knowing I’ve yet to cultivate due to my often turbulent psyche. But the turbulence I experience now is light in comparison to what it was in my earlier years. Now, I see the whipping winds of my mind as simply the moments when I’ve fallen out of alignment with my true self. These moments are not the end, as I sometimes fear them to be. They are times when my soul is striking with a diligent fist against a hardened or broken part within my being; a time when my soul has approached an obstacle buried within me. But the obstacle has purpose; this I now understand. My soul chose my turbulent mind and the body that contains it as the vehicle by which it wants to experience this wildly contrasting world. My soul knew that when the winds within my psyche kick up, it does so with a passionate force that can knock me off-center and send me tumbling to my knees. It is this same soul though, that knew it is upon my knees where I often unearth the hidden truths buried deep within me, so on my knees I must occasionally go. Oh yes dear reader, my soul knew that from even those moments brought about by my most doubting self and deepest fears – good can emerge. And so often it has.

I wouldn’t trade the person that is me, with all of my many particularities, for anyone else; even if their roads appear easier, even if their psyches appear softer and less inquisitive. It is a resolute truth of mine that my purpose can only be fulfilled through the vehicle that is me. And such is true with you. My walk has eased up after that one realization. I am a work in progress and always will be. However, I no longer see myself as flawed. I see even the broken pieces within me as the perfect catalysts that my soul needs to become what it has set out to become. I do view myself as that blackbird that wants to fly. And like the famous song says, I too have broken wings, but am learning to fly. I felt broken and blind for most of my life. Although many would not want to expose such a truth about themselves, I know that many feel the same: broken and blind, afraid to fly. Due to such, there they stay, suspended in place. It needn’t be that way. And I intend to tell you why.

Excerpt from the memoir, Blackbird Fly. The telling of which is one of the reasons it may seem I’ve been so silent as of late. Please know, dear reader, I am not as silent as it may appear. I’m merely telling a larger story that will be shared with you.

Sane

Sitting in Uncertainty

 

At this present time, I can find no better words to share with you than the ones within my previous post. I have read them often.

Dear reader, please know that I will never slight you. I never hold back. Although I feel something else arriving, new words to say, right now this is my best. And the best is what I vow to always give to you. So for now, I want to pause. I want to allow these seeds to take root. And with that, may those roots hold you steadily in place.

Sane

On the Horizon

Originally posted, January 19, 2014

 

One day, I want for you, dear reader, to look back upon your life, and see that you lived the life of your dreams. Instead, many will look back and only see the life they were afraid to live.

Fear rules most of us. We fear that by living our dreams, we will upset the apple cart. We will end up in financial ruin. We will short change our children, or cause their upbringing to be flawed or failing. We will disappoint our family, friends or those we want to look favorably upon us. These are the fears that dwell deep within the hearts of many.

These fears are important indicators. Never push them aside without first looking at them for what they are. They have nothing to do with your heart or spirit, and everything to do with your ego and mind. I have an issue or two that when I look far out into the distance, my fears emerge, blocking sight of the horizon. Mistakenly, I confuse the fear for the horizon. My soul knows better. My soul reminds me that the fear is the obstacle, it merely stands in the way, blocking my view. It is only the view that I see until removed, and the horizon is allowed to reveal its beauty. I mustn’t confuse the two, and neither should you.

The horizon is constantly being beautifully created by the desires that rest upon our heart and soul; the obstacles that stand in the way are often created by the fears that rest upon our mind. Never interchange the two.

I could shape my world based on the obstacles. Or I could shape my life based upon faith in what rests beyond the obstacle. The sad thing is, many of us never remove the obstacle. Nor do we take the extra steps required of us to walk around. We make the obstacle our life. We stop and live in the obstacle. We live in our fear. In many ways, I feel such a thing is a crime against the beautiful energy that brought us here.

These fears of mine tell me both what I want out of life and what I don’t. But never should the fear be any more than that. It is a tool. It is an indicator. It is an emotional response that tells me a great deal about the rate of my spiritual expansion and the level of my emotional development. Fear is the boulder that sits dead-center on the road that leads to one’s happiness. Fear is the closed-door that sits between you and the life of your desires. Fear merely tells us that life is requiring of us action, clear intention and the desire to reach for and make joy our own.

Don’t let fear stop you from living the life that pleases you. And yes I understand that right now you may be saying a good deal of, what ifs. What if I do this or do that. What if my kids hate me for reaching for happiness. What if my friends think I’m insane. What if it doesn’t work out. To that, all I can say is: What if it does. What if you have been given this life for the one reason of creating, aligning with and feeling joy.

Sane

Tuesday Panties and a Rabbit’s Foot

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When I was a kid I had a pair of lucky undies, or so I thought. I also had special day-of-the-week panties. I was continually wearing a Tuesday panty on a Sunday, and Friday panty on a Monday, and so forth. But I was convinced my mojo was totally going on when I wore the correct pair on the corresponding day. But, just like the lucky underwear, It really didn’t matter. Even though for the longest time, I was quite certain it did. As a kid, I had no need for logic. I just went with whatever – worked – or seemed to work, at the time. I wasn’t picky.

When something good happens, it puts a chink into our psyche. We are, on some level, forever changed from the experience and the peaceful memory it causes. The human condition will then try to do all it can to replicate, and play over that experience. Something in the mind tells us to mix up the same potion, or listen to the same song, or do whatever we did the first time that stirred up and conjured that experience. It was good then, so let’s relive it now. If this means wearing a certain pair of undies because the last three times we wore them we aced our spelling test or the cute guy smiled at us, then so be it. Often, the mind leaps over common sense when looking for happiness.

These little psychological glitches work in the reverse, as we all know. Supposedly, I’m still riding out an eight year bad luck streak from breaking a mirror. It was a big mirror too, does that matter? Even the most logical among us wonder what if, upon seeing a black cat cross our path. Especially when heading to the doctor. But, I don’t believe in luck: good or bad. I do however, believe in being open and allowing of good things. I can not turn a blind eye to those things that make me cringe, but I do feel if my eye is more focused upon that which makes me smile and feel good, then I will become more in tune and in harmony with those things.

I feel, more than a rabbit’s foot or bauble of good fortune, we possess the power to bring about good things. And we do this first by looking for them. And if we train our eye, then it takes less effort. Life is a conglomeration of all things. Because what is good for one, may be bad for another. Both need to exist.

Life is unpredictable, both for the good and the bad. What’s interesting though is that sometimes within that which appears so unlucky, is the one thing that will bring about a positive change. I no longer try to throw the gavel down either way. Instead, I try to see the good in most things, and if no good can be spotted then I try to simply ride it out while broadening  my view. Sometimes this means, looking and looking and looking. And when I don’t give up, it is usually in that far off corner, where I’ve never looked before, that I find just what I need.

Sane

Written to Fat Bottomed Girls by Queen

Stones

veiledhaven.com

For much of my life, I’ve been engaged in battle. The worst, was the battle against myself. One can easily drown in their discontent. Like a violent wave, it can pull them under. But there are those who walk into the deep water; as they do, filling their coat pockets with stones: heavy memories, bitter disappointments, and painful insecurities. Once under, some kick violently to reach the surface; others relinquish the fight. I chose to shed the heavy coat, and in the doing, I shed the stones.

Upon reading my words, or upon hearing me speak, it is known instantly, I do not  bury myself under a coat or shroud of any kind. There is no mask or pretense. Although protective, I live quite exposed; my true self revealed through words, spoken or written. Swimming underwater, I said goodbye to all that weighed me down, and the need to be anything other than me.

My life isn’t quite how I want it to be – but after many battles – I am. And from that vantage point I write; content with myself, both the good and the seemingly bad. Because both, its fair to say, form the buoy.

The opening from my latest novel: Safe People.

Chapter 1

Bertie stood naked. Mimicking her motionless frame, her mind remained unmoving. As the hot water showered over her body, she inhaled the steam, and exhaled tired breath. For the moment, she didn’t think of the past, nor of the future. And after escaping into the gentle spaces of mental inertia, she looked down and wondered what was worse: the scars she wore on the outside, or the ones she tried to hide on the inside. 

Post written to: Walk by Foo Fighters

No Room For Logic

aninepoundhammer.com

It’s an interesting thing, reading the reviews written about one’s books. For the most part, I can pay no more attention to the good reviews than I can the bad – as both have the potential to sway me. And when it comes to writing, I don’t want any factor contributing to the words I write other than the creative energy that moves my fingers.

When a writer considers the fact that their words will be read, it prevents the words from flowing at their natural pace. The creative mind pulls back while the logical mind steps forward. There are many good uses for my logical mind, but writing isn’t one of them.

One thing though, comes from reading reviews; I am given insight into the minds of others. Even if I don’t like what they say, there is value there, at least from a creative perspective. Some have said that the love expressed in my first novel was spot-on; others have said its unrealistic. A few have said it was cheesy at times. As much of the novel parallels my own life, the feelings expressed are factual. And I can say, the best kind of love is the kind that steps deeply into the pool of unabashed expression, a.k.a cheesiness.

Not everyone though, gets the chance to experience such a love. And when they stumble upon it, as an observer, it strikes against their heart. Most want it, but feel the pain of never having had it, or having lost it. When young, we want only to love deeply, and with abandon. After aging, we become embittered toward that which we can’t seem to obtain; wealth, health, happiness, and love.

The words spoken by lovers of yesteryear were intense to the point of appearing unbelievable if spoken today. Instead, today’s world works hard to mold us into generic beings when it comes to emotions; we keep our feelings guarded. We punch onto a keyboard computer generated letters. No longer do we have the romance of a hand written note. Instead of a face staring at us from across the table, we have one-dimensional pictures by which to identify ourselves. Harsh words are said with ease due to the buffer of anonymity and cyberspace. In a world of full exposure, we are more hidden than ever. We have truly forgotten the art of love, as well as the art of expressing what we feel. What hasn’t changed, is that we feel and want with the same intensity.

We live in a sheltered world. Yet, our hearts, want for the innocence of true love, and the ecstasy of being loved with fervor. It only seems unrealistic when we believe it to be out of the realm of our personal reality. A reality we want, but are too embarrassed to admit.

With that said, I hope for everyone, that before they draw their final breath, they too feel the type of love that shakes them to the core. Because, that’s what happens when the soul falls in love. The soul has no need for logic, nor to temper how it feels.

If we are to dance as if no one is watching – then write as if no one is reading, and love as if you’ll never get hurt.

Sane

Written to The Logical Song by Supertramp

Dare I Say…Quirky.

yesteryearsthoughts.blogspot.com

Famed author, John Cheever, dressed in suit and hat, then with everyone else, rode the elevator down to the lobby. Once there, he’d walk down to the basement, strip to his boxers and write.

Favorite of mine, D.H. Lawrence, was known for climbing mulberry trees in the nude; something to do with the long limbs and rough bark stimulating his thoughts. Hemingway often wrote in the nude. In that state, he’d stand, with his typewriter on the table, waist-high before him.

Even when we step beyond mere writing habits, writers seem to set the bar quite high in regard to being the most unusual of people. James Joyce, author of Ulysses, enjoyed the smell of women’s farts, as well as being spanked. Irish poet and playwright, W.B. Yeats had monkey glands inserted into his scrotum; invigorating both his sex life and his creativity. Its true: writers are very peculiar people. Dare I say – quirky.

Although I do not sit with a desk drawer full of rotten apples, as German poet, Schiller did, I do consider myself a bit left of center. To change that would be to change my view of the world, the angle by which I perceive all things. To change my quirkiness would be to change – me, as it’s a nuance that sits at my core. It’s a systematic condition, but one that plays a large part in producing all of my varying colors. I don’t mind this. And why should I? To do so would be to take myself too seriously. Nothing sinks one’s ship faster than taking themselves too seriously. As I sail from point to point, as I write and move along with life, I do so with unabashed pride in the peculiarity that is me.

I do not see these things as faults. And when one does, it’s a marker of how they view themselves, in addition to how they view life: critically. Just as I marvel at the quirky, odd-shaped, two-headed tomato, I also stare in awe at the flower who’s petals aren’t colored like the rest. The best things in life are those that allow themselves to simply – be. Never curtailing to popular opinion. Never cowering under conformity. The smartest amongst us know: popular opinion changes like the wind. So let it change. And conform only when doing so suits you. As for me, I don’t want to conform. As there is no box, large enough to keep me.

Off I go now, to climb a mulberry tree.

Sane

Written to: Oh Love by Green Day