Tag Archives: children

Into the Distance

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It’s now the first day of the new year. Its been a rough day. It happens. I’ll recover. But its put me in the most peculiar of moods. So here I sit, doing the only thing I know to do, write. While seated in church, in other words, with music filling the air around me while I sit under the waxing crescent moon. This is how I heal.

I’ve always been one to seek solace by sitting and staring off into the distance. When young I would sit in the dark at the dining room table; the large FM radio playing softly while I stared at the lights in the distance from passing cars. Today, as if moved by an unseen force I found myself sitting at the water’s edge looking out. In that moment all I wanted was for night to fall so I could do what I am now doing. But instead of peeling oranges as I did as a young girl, I now sip wine and let my fingers busy themselves. While they do the words that come forth often teach me more than anyone else. This is the way Spirit moves through me. Healers come in all shapes and sizes, dear reader. Often my own fingers are used to heal me.

I found myself missing my mother terribly, today. I missed her support. I missed her presence. I missed the life I wish we had together. I wanted so much for her company. She really wasn’t that kind. And that’s okay. But I still wished for it just the same. She and I were so very different. I try to be the mother I had and the mother I wished for. I loved her dearly. It is still hard to believe she is gone.

I have absolutely no idea what is ahead of us. What I do know is that your emotions will always be there to guide you. Emotions speak. Although truthfully, many don’t understand their language. We misread them constantly. Listen to your core, dear reader. Pay attention to the subtle signals it sends. Your soul knows who you are. Every fiber in your body does too. Yet, so often we believe the voice of self-doubt, ridicule and fear. When we do we feel the pain well from deep within. That pain is because those thoughts aren’t stemming from your true self. Your emotions are trying to tell you that this is not your truth.

You are here for a reason. This I know. For each of us it is different. Each journey though, is meant to be joyful. Go in that direction. Your emotions will try to help you. Detach the best you can. Just because something brings you joy, doesn’t mean you are to capture it. Perhaps it was meant solely for a fleeting moment for you to know the feeling. This is hard, I know. Allow life to be, without your judgement of it. Feel and let go. Feel and let go. Spread your arms and inhale the glory of the world around you. For within it is all the things that delight you. Your emotions will help you filter those out.

Also too, it will help you to know the things that dishonor you. Those things are in conflict with who you are. And they hurt like hell. Don’t damn them. Detach, and step back. But remember. When someone dishonors you – you know. Emotions are powerful. But it’s what rests behind the emotion that empowers you – always. Discover it.

Our journey is one with constant blind corners. And at times it gets downright scary. At times we feel so alone its smothering. You aren’t, though. Look up. See the moon. See the sun. See the clouds. They stand like guardians; reminding you that you are part of something much bigger. The trees stand amongst us while we walk through our days; showing us that we always have a place upon which to lean. And the music, it is energy captured and put to rhythm. It’s what is inside of you. It is what’s trying to flow through you – always. Feel it. Breathe it in. Breath is much more than merely a mandatory condition of the body. Its how we move Life through us. Take this with you, dear reader.

And always, know that you are loved. Now I shall return to enjoying the last drop of my Cabernet while looking up at Venus and this beautiful waxing crescent moon. And remembering my mother, knowing that she is helping me around all the blind corners.

Sane

I Understand

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But I don’t feel magnificent, you say. At least, not often. I understand. And quite honestly, all of these words about seeing one’s beauty and worth seem a bit like fluff in a very challenging world. I understand that too.

But it’s you that is walking through this very challenging world. You can’t escape you. There is no drug or person, place or thing outside of yourself that can silence the voice in your head. People come and go. Situations change. And the numbing effects of drugs wears off. It always comes back to you. So its best that you make friends with you. Take charge of you. And love yourself. Because life can either be heaven or it can be hell. And you can always tell in which you are living by how you feel. Hell feels terrible.

You could have the best job, the most loving partner or friends, the most athletically etched muscles or luscious locks or keen mind – and life can still stink. Because life on earth will always consist of contrast. It must. There’s no getting around it. In truth, this contrast is your greatest helper. Because it is through contrast that you discover what you like and what you do not. It is through contrast that the soul gets to grow and desires are formed. And it is through this contrast that the Universe knows how to respond to our unique vibration. With every breathing moment we are sending out a signal; a silent prayer. That prayer is heard and it is matched and it is answered. Our vibration is how we feel, not what we think. What we think is a byproduct of how we feel. First comes the feeling. The feeling stems from a place deep within ourselves.

You view the world through a lens that is created by you. This lens is formed by how you feel. If you feel empty and bitter – your world will not only reflect that, it will bring that. But if you feel love for self, life and those around you – your world will reflect that. The silent prayer will be matched. And even though there is contrast put before you, you see it as just that – contrast. Not punishment. Nothing personal. Not something to rail against or resist.

Even when you love who you are this world can push us to the point of breaking. I feel it does this when there is still some resistance within us. Most likely we are hanging onto something that no longer serves us. Therefore we feel the push and pull. But what if instead of being abused or forsaken, you were being pushed to release your narrow view or hard set need to control. What if you were being pushed to move in a better direction?

Life is truly like the waters. At times they are smooth, and at others times they are not. How you view all of this is what matters. One person’s storm is another person’s answer to prayer. So let go of judgement. Most of all let go of judgement of yourself. You are trying. Feel your way toward heaven. Meaning, if thinking something feels bad, stop thinking that thought and think something better. As soon as you release judgement, you feel better. Baby steps. You may be knee-deep in contrast that does not feel good to you right now. And that better thought may be nearly too far for you to grasp. Try.

I can’t, you say. Life has gotten so messy and I have been in this funk for what seems like decades. And its the same crud over and over again. I understand. But you are here. And you are here for a reason. And from that alone I know that there is a pulsating point of attraction within you that has the power to bring about good things; better things. But it starts with you recognizing even the tiniest of good things.

You can’t allow in that to which you are not a vibrational match. If you do, you will lose it. It can’t remain where it is not a match. You are your point of attraction. And you can never attract that which is beyond how you feel. You can not have in your life something better than the dialogue in your mind.

Sane

You Are Magnificent

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Did you know that you’re magnificent? You may not have known that. Instead, you look at yourself and see all the things that don’t measure up. You see the parts within you that are broken and damaged and insecure. Maybe you see your past failures and the times you’ve let yourself down. Step back, dear reader. There is more to you than that. Let me whisper into your mind what I see.

You are like a good bottle of wine. Why? Wine is complicated. And that is precisely why I like it. You can not rush quality wine. You let it sit on your tongue, and you savor it. It’s similar to the human soul in that it’s a mixture of flavors, top notes and undertones. When balanced, each characteristic adds to the other. Out of balance, and its unpalatable. Balance is key. And so it is with you.

Everything that is you, is there for a reason. Everything. You are like that good bottle of wine, nuanced. Not everyone likes the same bottle of wine. We are singular. But there are those that will appreciate you. They will savor all that you have to offer. Trust me.

But first, find your balance. You can’t balance what you don’t know. Look at every little part that makes up you, and do so with eyes of appreciation. No one can look at you in a way that you, yourself, are unable to do.

I used to damn the parts of me that didn’t seem to fit in. I was too this or too that. It took some very dark nights on my knees in surrender before my eyes were opened and I was able to see how all the pieces within myself were purposefully placed; how each added to the other. I couldn’t see that before then. But damming myself had gotten too painful. I finally broke open, and surrendered my desire to be something I wasn’t, and began appreciating who I was. And that is what alignment with Source is – loving yourself – then you can feel the love of All That Is.

Take the time to discover yourself. Sit alone, savor who you are. A great spiritual teacher once said, “You have to love yourself when you are by yourself.”

You are not hear to please anyone. You are here to be you. And the more you settle into that, things will open up to you. Joy. Peace. Love. These are not things one can reach out and grab. They are treasures hidden within you, waiting for you to find. And they sit at the core of who you are. So get to know you. Ask yourself why you do what you do and feel the way you do. What are your fears? What are your dreams? The answers need to be released. Your heart needs to open. Let yourself breathe, dear reader. You are not called to be anything except who you are – your job is to discover who that is. Then live it. Be it. Enjoy it. The rest will follow.

Me? I will forever be a writer. I will forever be a mother. A Harley riding free spirit who loves to tip tables and help people see themselves for all of their God-given breathtaking beauty. I will always be poised, unless busy laughing. I will always be a blend of levity and philosophy; delicate yet strong. I will forever long to be in my church, nature, seated with eyes fixed lovingly on the setting sun or dancing in the moonlight. My hope is that those who know me, have come to experience the many nuances that, balanced together, soothe their soul when I touch their lives. And so it is with you. Now, sit with yourself for a while. Learn from your past, then let it go; holding on keeps you off-balance. Stand tall. Smile. You are magnificent. Now let yourself breathe.

Sane

Written while listening to, Shine by Mondo Cozmo and We Don’t Know by the Strumbellas.

The Ledge

On a Balcony (14)

There comes a time when everyone finds themselves standing on the ledge; whether there by life’s continual push or by way of one’s own feet. Regardless of the how, there you are, standing on the edge, looking down.

In that moment, take a deep breath, push down on your heels, and straighten your stance. Lift your head, dear reader, and look out. I realize the dialogue in your head is telling you to keep your eyes directed downward. I understand that your resolve is weak. And I know that in moments like these, when you feel your feet shifting, you are convinced of an imminent fall. Your hands slide against the wall in search of safety, only to find there’s nowhere to grip. And the open window behind you doesn’t allow for you to lean back. Without question, you are convinced you’re alone.

Please know, you are not alone. And that dialogue in your head, may be the words you are being pushed to hear. Sometimes we are brought to the edge solely to view those things within us that keep us from utilizing our full faith. Listen. Your fears are screaming. But they are also revealing your secret obstacles. This is a crucial place. As, now you know what stands between you and your dreams.

And that wall that feels impersonal and cold. It isn’t. It is the pillar of your soul and it is strong. It won’t crumble. Instead it will provide for you a firm place to stand whether you are out on the ledge, or resting peacefully within. You don’t need to hold on because this place will always provide the platform needed to stand with arms open wide. If there were handles you’d be inclined to hold tight. Your soul wants only for you to let go. So let go. Trust. Have faith.

And that open window, it is the window to your inner self. It is open and waiting. So lean into it. Allow yourself to close down every now and again to all outward influences. Go inward. That open window is your safety net; when you are ready, fall back.

And if you fear that you will slip; know that there is nowhere for you to go, as the pillar travels with you. And that abandonment that haunts you, it is an illusion. You are never alone. It is impossible for you to be disconnected from God even during your worst moments. God is you, and you are an extension of God. So stand on that ledge and notice how you got there. Listen to those words, they will empower you. You will discover the purpose behind the journey of your soul. You may not like what you hear but it is the area within you that your soul wants to push through.

Now – stand still for a moment, and look out. Spread your arms. Feel the Universe as its gentle breeze moves across your body. You are that very Universe. Your soul is quite excited to be you. Smile. Breathe deep. You’ve got this.

Sane

It Gets Easier

It Gets Easier

Emotions are like waves. There are times when they have us moving in all different directions. Oftentimes, we follow them wherever they go, even when they take us into a storm. An emotion is triggered. A thought follows. Then another. Then another. Before we know it we’re caught in the midst of something that feels quite valid. Yet, more often than not, isn’t.

Those emotions, and their subsequent thoughts, are fictional in the sense that they are not based on anything for which we are certain. There is a good chance that the emotion that was triggered is linked to a fear. In my experience, fears come with a whole slew of what if thoughts at the ready. And because of our human conditioning those what if thoughts rarely lean toward the positive.

Due to such, we could easily damn fear-based emotions. After all, they are difficult to endure. They are intrusive. They are painful. They appear out of no where, and fall upon us like a tidal wave. Next thing we know we can’t breathe. I don’t believe this ever goes away, not fully. But I do believe we can become skilled at breathing while under it all. And, stronger at swimming.

Try to remember dear reader, that their force does not prove their validity. But what is valid is that they reveal a very important belief that dwells within us. Instead of burying us, they are offering us the chance to bring something into the light. Our thoughts bury us. Not the emotion.

The emotion is bringing to the surface something that needs your attention. An area where we lack faith, and area where we are harboring a piece of brokenness; an unresolved hurt or perceived failure. Nothing within us stays buried. We may work hard to suppress and cover up those things within us that cause us discomfort, but they will resurface. And after time, they do so with force.

So dear reader, if you find yourself dealing with an emotion that has left you feeling uneasy or sad or defeated – pause. Before letting your thoughts run rampant, ask yourself – in the most honest, raw, unabashed way that you can – why am I feeling this way. What is at the root of this? Joy is your natural state of being. Not fear. Not anxiety. Not defeat.

Days in which you have to confront your emotions and their underlying cause can be exhausting. But they are important. And in time, as you gain balance, as your spiritual muscles grow, so does that of your emotional being. Those emotions become less turbulent. Instead of triggers you have memories and experiences that allowed much needed insight into yourself and why you behave as you do. And instead of being ruled by them you become enlightened due to them.

We never become whole unless we embrace the whole of who we are. This means embracing that which sits in the light and that which rests in the shadows. It does get easier. In time, we are surprised less by our thoughts and actions, and rarely swept under the waves of our own emotions. Rather, we glide along the top. We know what is above and we know what is below. We released our grip of the boat, because we no longer fear falling in.

Sane

A Delicate Nature

Photo by Sharland, May 1956

Photo by Sharland, May 1956

Good morning, dear reader. I hope this day is treating you well. More than that, I hope you are treating you well. I hope you are coming to see the All that you are and how important it is that your awareness acknowledges the many aspects that make you divine, singular, and important. It isn’t easy, is it? It isn’t easy to look at these things that seem to cause us struggle, or our heart to ache, and think good can come of them.

There was a time when I use to curse my own self. I use to look at my delicate nature and see it as that of a hindrance – especially in today’s world, where the need to be right comes before the need to love. Yet, it is this sensitivity in me that is necessary if I am to fulfill my life’s purpose. I couldn’t do it otherwise.

Over these many years, I found the courage and began the work necessary, to allow my gentle spirit to sit in plain view. I no longer stuff it under weighty coverings used under the misguided belief that I must protect my heart and my delicate inner being. Somewhere along the way it was shown to me that the soul, and the heart through which it feels, are stronger than any covering we use as armor. In fact, it is the strongest, steadiest, most stable part of our being. I spent the first half of my life very wrong about my understanding of my self. And that is okay. I needed those misguided years; much came from them.

Life is a dichotomy. Polarities are part of this world. With the presence of good comes the presence of that which rests at the opposite end. In other words, I did and do get pinged a lot. My entire lifestyle and those with which I surround myself has changed dramatically over these many years. At first, I use to force upon myself my old ways; they were what I knew. And the mind loathes the unfamiliar, uncharted and unknown. So I kept doing the same things I’d always done, all the while feeling uncomfortable. Feeling out-of-place. Feeling alone. Feeling bad afterward. Surely, I never felt nourished.

Now, I listen to the subtle queues of my inner being. I listen not to the voice that shouts, but to the voice that delicately whispers. I use to shake my fist at God and it’s soft spoken ways. Then I too softened. I decided to change my stagnant approach, mind-set and points of focus. Instead, I opened and broadened and became more flexible and allowing. And due to such it was shown to me that God speaks softly for two reasons: So we can always distinguish the voice of the Divine from the voice of fear, and because it requires of us to be still before we can hear.

I am no longer drawn to what is familiar, so much. Now I am drawn to the soft, subtle and delicate things in life. I see God in all things, yet I feel the purity within those things courageous enough to be kind. I like kindness. It feels good to me. It brings me joy. I love the kindness of the flowers that bloom outside my office window. They could be resistant, like unhappy children they could stiffen and demand that the environment cater to their wishes. But no, the flowers outside my window show up even when half buried under dead leaves. Their devotion to coloring life with their beauty is breathtakingly kind.

I step away from aggressiveness, chaos and demonstrativeness, and toward playfulness, equality and supportiveness. I love the kindness in those who give of themselves for another; those who hold the light and allow others to stand in its beam. Most of all I love the kindness within me; I judge less, allow more. I care about myself enough to be mindful of my surrounds. I love me enough to go silent and listen to the soft, subtle voice of the Divine which reminds me to hold gently the light of Love – always. It reminds me that there are those who have yet to discover their own, and the kindest, most compassionate thing I can do is hold mine upon them until they do.

If you are to embrace one thing this week – embrace kindness. Be kindness. It is the most courageous thing you can do. In those moments, you are the hand, the voice and the light of God.

Sane

Look at the Map

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I woke with a strong urge to share something with you. And that is: Look at yourself kindly, today. See the beauty within you that is uniquely yours. Do your best in life, then trust that good will follow. Have faith that you’re not only on the path, you’re steadily moving at just the right pace. Everything has purpose. Try not to cast judgement upon yourself, others or the world around you. Love who you are. Because the package that makes up you was specifically chosen as the vehicle your Higher Self wanted for this journey.

Oh yes, its true, dear reader. Even your less than spectacular propensities are there for a reason. Have you not considered why your hardships seem to fall along the same few lines. If you haven’t. I urge you to do so. Great truths about your journey will be discovered when you do.

Once you notice the grid work on which your foundation is laid, you’ll better understand the bumps and hurdles. Once you begin to listen to the repetitive nature of your ego, you’ll begin to understand the work of your soul. Ego offers the voice of contrast to the authentic nature of who you really are. Instead of believing the ego, try instead to view it as a bellwether. For example, if your ego screams it can’t be alone, know that your soul wants you to experience the peace found only in solitude. If your ego whispers that you aren’t good enough, know that your soul wants you to experience that you are, and it will keep nudging you in that direction. And if your ego mocks that your words have no value, then your soul will keep putting you in situations where you must own your voice and speak it.

If you have a tendency to see yourself as a screw-up, know that your soul is living out this life for you to discover your worth. And it will keep offering opportunities necessary in making that discovery. Problem is, when we allow the fear-based ego to be the Parent, the Ruler, the Judge, the Doctor, the Lawyer, the Prophet, the Priest, the Writer of our life, then these opportunities get twisted and used as evidence to support the ego. But when we look at ourselves with Love, then we see the value in every moment that comes our way.

Look at your knee-jerk reactions. Look at your tendencies. Look at your urges and desires. Every component within you is there for a reason, even the voice of your ego. I knew my words as a writer were of value when I heard the voice of ego laugh and tell me they were not. Now, maybe they weren’t refined to the level they’d eventually be. But I knew that if my fearful inner voice was trying to derail me, then there was a good chance writing was something my soul came here to do; not just to help heal and empower others, but to help heal and empower me.

So, try not to draw hard lines of judgement upon yourself, dear reader. Instead, consider that you are the whole. You have many facets, and they’re all there for a reason. If you are easily intolerant of others, most likely you are here to work on tolerance. If you feel you’re better than others, you are probably here to discover compassion, empathy and humility. If you have a hard time controlling your desires, there’s a good chance you are here to discover the divine freedom experienced when not controlled by the body.

The list goes on and on, of course. But the heart of what I am saying is simple: Embrace who you are and look upon yourself openly and kindly. Within you is the map that reveals your life’s purpose. All you need to do is look at it with the broad eye of Love and not through the narrow lens of fear. Because the ego will look at the map and tell you its an impossible, messy journey; even the paper its printed on is flawed. Whereas the soul will say, “How perfect. Look how the roads go out of their way for us to make certain discoveries. It is so rich, and full and divinely intricate. The ink is so colorful, the paper so delicate. This is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.”

Sane