Tag Archives: dreams

Into the Distance

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It’s now the first day of the new year. Its been a rough day. It happens. I’ll recover. But its put me in the most peculiar of moods. So here I sit, doing the only thing I know to do, write. While seated in church, in other words, with music filling the air around me while I sit under the waxing crescent moon. This is how I heal.

I’ve always been one to seek solace by sitting and staring off into the distance. When young I would sit in the dark at the dining room table; the large FM radio playing softly while I stared at the lights in the distance from passing cars. Today, as if moved by an unseen force I found myself sitting at the water’s edge looking out. In that moment all I wanted was for night to fall so I could do what I am now doing. But instead of peeling oranges as I did as a young girl, I now sip wine and let my fingers busy themselves. While they do the words that come forth often teach me more than anyone else. This is the way Spirit moves through me. Healers come in all shapes and sizes, dear reader. Often my own fingers are used to heal me.

I found myself missing my mother terribly, today. I missed her support. I missed her presence. I missed the life I wish we had together. I wanted so much for her company. She really wasn’t that kind. And that’s okay. But I still wished for it just the same. She and I were so very different. I try to be the mother I had and the mother I wished for. I loved her dearly. It is still hard to believe she is gone.

I have absolutely no idea what is ahead of us. What I do know is that your emotions will always be there to guide you. Emotions speak. Although truthfully, many don’t understand their language. We misread them constantly. Listen to your core, dear reader. Pay attention to the subtle signals it sends. Your soul knows who you are. Every fiber in your body does too. Yet, so often we believe the voice of self-doubt, ridicule and fear. When we do we feel the pain well from deep within. That pain is because those thoughts aren’t stemming from your true self. Your emotions are trying to tell you that this is not your truth.

You are here for a reason. This I know. For each of us it is different. Each journey though, is meant to be joyful. Go in that direction. Your emotions will try to help you. Detach the best you can. Just because something brings you joy, doesn’t mean you are to capture it. Perhaps it was meant solely for a fleeting moment for you to know the feeling. This is hard, I know. Allow life to be, without your judgement of it. Feel and let go. Feel and let go. Spread your arms and inhale the glory of the world around you. For within it is all the things that delight you. Your emotions will help you filter those out.

Also too, it will help you to know the things that dishonor you. Those things are in conflict with who you are. And they hurt like hell. Don’t damn them. Detach, and step back. But remember. When someone dishonors you – you know. Emotions are powerful. But it’s what rests behind the emotion that empowers you – always. Discover it.

Our journey is one with constant blind corners. And at times it gets downright scary. At times we feel so alone its smothering. You aren’t, though. Look up. See the moon. See the sun. See the clouds. They stand like guardians; reminding you that you are part of something much bigger. The trees stand amongst us while we walk through our days; showing us that we always have a place upon which to lean. And the music, it is energy captured and put to rhythm. It’s what is inside of you. It is what’s trying to flow through you – always. Feel it. Breathe it in. Breath is much more than merely a mandatory condition of the body. Its how we move Life through us. Take this with you, dear reader.

And always, know that you are loved. Now I shall return to enjoying the last drop of my Cabernet while looking up at Venus and this beautiful waxing crescent moon. And remembering my mother, knowing that she is helping me around all the blind corners.

Sane

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Look at the Map

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I woke with a strong urge to share something with you. And that is: Look at yourself kindly, today. See the beauty within you that is uniquely yours. Do your best in life, then trust that good will follow. Have faith that you’re not only on the path, you’re steadily moving at just the right pace. Everything has purpose. Try not to cast judgement upon yourself, others or the world around you. Love who you are. Because the package that makes up you was specifically chosen as the vehicle your Higher Self wanted for this journey.

Oh yes, its true, dear reader. Even your less than spectacular propensities are there for a reason. Have you not considered why your hardships seem to fall along the same few lines. If you haven’t. I urge you to do so. Great truths about your journey will be discovered when you do.

Once you notice the grid work on which your foundation is laid, you’ll better understand the bumps and hurdles. Once you begin to listen to the repetitive nature of your ego, you’ll begin to understand the work of your soul. Ego offers the voice of contrast to the authentic nature of who you really are. Instead of believing the ego, try instead to view it as a bellwether. For example, if your ego screams it can’t be alone, know that your soul wants you to experience the peace found only in solitude. If your ego whispers that you aren’t good enough, know that your soul wants you to experience that you are, and it will keep nudging you in that direction. And if your ego mocks that your words have no value, then your soul will keep putting you in situations where you must own your voice and speak it.

If you have a tendency to see yourself as a screw-up, know that your soul is living out this life for you to discover your worth. And it will keep offering opportunities necessary in making that discovery. Problem is, when we allow the fear-based ego to be the Parent, the Ruler, the Judge, the Doctor, the Lawyer, the Prophet, the Priest, the Writer of our life, then these opportunities get twisted and used as evidence to support the ego. But when we look at ourselves with Love, then we see the value in every moment that comes our way.

Look at your knee-jerk reactions. Look at your tendencies. Look at your urges and desires. Every component within you is there for a reason, even the voice of your ego. I knew my words as a writer were of value when I heard the voice of ego laugh and tell me they were not. Now, maybe they weren’t refined to the level they’d eventually be. But I knew that if my fearful inner voice was trying to derail me, then there was a good chance writing was something my soul came here to do; not just to help heal and empower others, but to help heal and empower me.

So, try not to draw hard lines of judgement upon yourself, dear reader. Instead, consider that you are the whole. You have many facets, and they’re all there for a reason. If you are easily intolerant of others, most likely you are here to work on tolerance. If you feel you’re better than others, you are probably here to discover compassion, empathy and humility. If you have a hard time controlling your desires, there’s a good chance you are here to discover the divine freedom experienced when not controlled by the body.

The list goes on and on, of course. But the heart of what I am saying is simple: Embrace who you are and look upon yourself openly and kindly. Within you is the map that reveals your life’s purpose. All you need to do is look at it with the broad eye of Love and not through the narrow lens of fear. Because the ego will look at the map and tell you its an impossible, messy journey; even the paper its printed on is flawed. Whereas the soul will say, “How perfect. Look how the roads go out of their way for us to make certain discoveries. It is so rich, and full and divinely intricate. The ink is so colorful, the paper so delicate. This is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.”

Sane

Take Flight

Take Flight

What if the sole reason we are born into these bodies and living out these years is to discover who we want to be; not who others think we are; not who we think we ought to be; but to truly discover our authentic self. Personally, I feel this to be true. We are on a grand adventure of the soul. We tend to think our mind is the pilot leading the exploration. When not aligned, our beliefs so easily get turned around. Whereas the soul knows to simply live and be and experience the moment, the mind, if unaligned, can micro analyze the last drop of joy out of even the most divinely sent of occasions.

The mind is the vehicle. It can imagine, contemplate, dream and remember. And when used in this form the mind becomes the tool of the soul. In those moments one is doing the work of the soul – just as we are meant. Even some of the worst moments though, are brought about so the soul can reveal what its meant to experience. Often those moments are necessary shifts meant to spotlight something we weren’t willing to see. Those dreadful shifts are vital as they are intended to awaken us, and send us back in the direction of our joy.

Joy is one of the faces of God, in my opinion, as is love. Those shifts are meant to steer us back in the direction of living from the place of our authentic self. Our authentic self lives through the soul. Each soul is connected. Each soul is but one of the many threads in the expansive tapestry that is God. This is my belief. It is a belief that gives purpose to all this madness. It is a belief that feels right, and softens the hard words of my mind and the world around me. It is a belief that emerges from the seat of my soul.

I’ve struggled with depression on a perpetual basis for most of my life. I could say that depression is useless. I could also say that fear is without purpose. But my soul reminds me that fear is there to spotlight areas where we need to make a change. Fear is never to shape our life. It is there to show us something that is not in alignment with our authentic self. Fear shows us the blockages that hinder the soul’s flight back to joy. We need to discover these things if ever we are to clear the path and allow the soul to reconnect. And depression, the kind I know, is when the mind is busy suffocating the soul. Those moments of hopelessness show me that I’ve forfeited my freedom.

There is nothing more difficult than trying to breathe while held down by depression. I know the feeling of one’s lungs filling with despair. Soon, the face holds no signs of joy. The eyes are void of light. In those moments my mind has me held captive. I hit bottom. But the soul is strong, dear reader. The soul knows how to inhale even when stifled. If you are underwater, take note of why you are there. Take note of what freedoms you have convinced yourself you must relinquish. If you are like me, then there is a good chance those very things you feel are not allowed to you, the life you want to live but feel you can’t, are being shown to you – because they are meant for you.

Pull your arms upward. Shift your focus. Take note of what you’ve been shown and then move in that direction. If you do, you will emerge. Your lungs will inhale deep and joy will once again fall upon you. All of this is the exploration. All of it. Just remember the bigger the shift that is required, often the deeper the plunge into darkness and more cutting are the fears. Use these moments to see what you are meant to see. It is in these dark moments that you are being shown something crucial. Then, when the time is right, crawl into the cockpit. It’s your plane, take flight. I guarantee you that you will feel better once you do. Those emotions of yours are your compass. Love and joy are true North. Your soul was meant to fly, dear reader.  Use those darker moments to discover where you’re meant to go and who you are meant to be.

Sane

Gifting

If I could give you one gift this Christmas, it would be to strengthen you so that you never give up on your dreams. I would keep your resolve deep and strong, so that you never grow weak and set aside your desires.

All I can give you are my words, however. So please pull from these simple sentiments the strength you need to realize there is room in this world for you to flourish; there is room for you to assist others while assisting yourself. Please know this post comes from a very tender place within me; as setting myself and my desires aside is something I so often do. It is times like these when I’m alone, when my gaze shifts onto the snow as it cascades slowly from the sky, when my music plays softly in the background, and the voice of God whispers unfettered into my ear, that I listen with the most clarity.

There is nothing more challenging to me, than giving unto myself. I love to watch those around me flourish. I love to watch their soul burst free like a seedling pushing toward the sun. In a large part, that is why I feel I am here – to be that oak upon which others lean, to be that safe harbor from the storm; to be somewhere soft upon which to land. And then I sit alone, watching the snow. I smile inside, while a tear cascades down my face. And the voice whispers into my ear, “You, dear child, need these things too. Find your oak, find your lighthouse, find a soft place to rest.”

This Christmas, dear reader, I ask that you find these things too. Reach far. Reach deep. Go where you’ve never gone before. Never forget that if  you have a dream within you, it has purpose. It would not have been conjured otherwise. And it would not be infused with that stirring feeling if the Universe wasn’t there backing your desire. Go, and give this gift to yourself. You are not taking from anyone, when you give unto yourself in this way. If anything, you will teach, and therefore help, by example. Give yourself those things that empower you. Then you can help empower the world. Give to yourself that which fills you with joy. Just because these things have not manifested or easily fallen into place does not mean they are not real. They are real by virtue of being within you. It all starts within. It all starts with a stirring. Creation starts with a simple thought. Then you cause it to grow by your desire, dedication and action.

Never let go of your dreams. They are the gift you give yourself.

Merry Christmas, dear reader, Merry Christmas.

Sane

Having Tea With Me

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Dear reader, today I complete my forty-fourth year. I spent Saturday night with eyes cast over the water, a gentle Pinot Noir in hand, and my mind settled onto the contemplations of the road behind me, and the road ahead. In that still, private moment I talked to God in the same way as always – with reverence, vulnerability and honesty. I cried a bit. I smiled a bit. I released what was on my heart.

I mentioned that I feel a bit displaced at present; tired. This house that I know I’m meant to occupy at this point in time is not my home. I was freed from the place I called home; freed from the memories held within its walls. I am thankful for that. But now, everything about me is in transition. I am acutely aware that this is how it needs to be – for now. But it unsettles me, just the same. I am where I need to be, while writing what I am meant to write. But its not an easy time.

Police sirens, car alarms and the sound of constant hubbub fills the air while my thoughts travel the furthest they’ve ever gone inside myself; corridors and passageways that I have long since locked away. It’s easy to feel alone during the process, especially while here. I whispered those words to God.

During any time of expansion, there is a bit of displaced energy; an uncomfortable void while new truths develop and harden into place. I thought about this the other night. Right now, the only certain thing in my life – is me. My words to you, here and in my book, come from this solid place. I own my greater truths. I own this road that has been mine, complete with every twist and turn. I own this walk I have with God, as unique as it may be.

As a small child I prayed desperately for God to talk with me; for Jesus to sit down on my bed and tell me everything would be alright. That never happened, not in the way I had hoped. God has its own way of speaking with me. And as much as I would like God to sit down and have tea with me, looking back, I can’t say I would change a thing. I own my joys. I own my pain. And I own each time God has whispered words to me, even words I’m not prepared to hear.

The next morning, I had a moment to myself. I returned to the same spot as the night before. This time with tea in hand I looked back over the water. I looked back over my life. I also gave some time to looking ahead. I admit dear reader, that at times this process causes me to feel quite alone. So when I speak to you about these many things, the trials, the triumphs, the aches of life, the victories of life – they are truths known deeply by me. I thought a good deal about this odd little curve in my road, and how it has me sitting on the shoulder, reflecting back. This time out is also forcing me to make thoughtful decisions about my future. I’ve been given this curve for a reason, so I’ll respect it as such. It is also for a reason that I’ve been given each of these forty-four years – each one led to a greater, deeper expansion of my soul; opportunities to either step away or step further into my authentic self.

Through a song on a station I’ve never before listened, God spoke to me the other morning. God did sit down and have tea with me. And this is what was said…

Hold on to me as we go
As we roll down this unfamiliar road
And although this wave is stringing us along
Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m gonna make this place your home

Settle down, it’ll all be clear
Don’t pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m gonna make this place your home

Settle down, it’ll all be clear
Don’t pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m gonna make this place your home

I am not alone on this journey, and neither are you. Things may seem unfamiliar to me as I embark on this second half of my life, but I am not lost. I may not have a place to call home, but home will soon find me. And that is what I needed to know.

It is for each of us to seek out, acknowledge and own the way in which God speaks with us. If you haven’t yet found it,  keep searching. Keep allowing. Keep believing. Its there.

Sane

And if you are curious, here’s the song through which God spoke to me: Phillip Phillips – Home

Baking a Cake

Waiting is not something many of us are naturally obliged to do. Instead, it grates at us in way like no other. More than that, it can cause us to doubt ourself, and the power behind our ability to shape our future. It can even cause us to doubt that fate is a cooperate force, allowing for our say in anything. Waiting for many of us, is our Achilles heel.

But for a moment, please look at waiting as part of the plan, and not an impediment to the plan. Please do yourself this great favor and look at the making of your desires and future similar to the way one makes a cake. First comes the idea to make something. Usually this is brought on by noticing the absence of this something from one’s life. We damn these moments in time when we feel lack, and yet those moment are the very things that cause us to identify that which we desire. Once identified, we now need to move forward.

Due to knowing what we don’t want, we set off to imagine that which we do. We scan the world around us deciding what ingredients we want and what ingredients we do not. In our mind we begin to put together the recipe for our desire. We aren’t going to add ginger this time around because our experience with ginger in the past has shown us that it was terrible to our tongue. Ginger is out. Nutmeg is in. It’s a process.

The recipe for our desires is much the same. By being married to the wrong partner it was shown to us what we want in the right partner. By working a job that did not feel right it was shown to us the possible avenues that may feel right. By living in the cold we were given the chance to fully understand that we want only to live in the warmth. This happens on a small scale. This happens on a large scale. But it never stops happening. Not only do we walk through the contrast, the contrast is all around us. And so the process continues.

We let our desires settle into our being just the same as we place the batter-filled pan in the oven. Our work is done, we feel. But I don’t believe that is the case at all. Waiting is part of the work. We must be faithful while the cake bakes. And each and every time we doubt that its working, we cause a delay. We open the oven door repeatedly causing the oven temperature to plummet. And sometimes when panic sets in we take the cake pan out of the oven completely. We question what we did wrong. We question if the oven is working. We question everything. Our job is to keep the oven temperature steady and strong. We do this by having faith.  Keep the door closed, and know that its working.

Faith is the fuel that causes the cake to bake. So keep the faith burning.

Sane