You Showed Me

Clara Bow in “The Wild Party” (1929), directed by Dorothy Arzner, part of the series “Dames, Janes, Dolls and Canaries.”Credit…via The Museum of Modern Art Film Stills Archive

I went to the beach today. It took a long time to find a spot to park my truck. Its not small. After much searching, I found it. I was able to pull in to an end space with ample room to back out. No one on my left side, and plenty of room to my right. All was well. 

Until I returned. Finding a white napkin slid under my wiper with a very crude message written in pink highlighter, accompanied with a heart drawn for snide emphasis. I assure you dear reader, my parking was not affecting anyone. And yet, this person, decided to take time from their day and leave me a message. I am guessing, they made assumptions about me. I don’t believe they liked the size of my truck. Little do they know my truck is not for show. Its necessary to haul me and my nest around while I explore the eastern coast. But its purpose doesn’t matter. It was not encroaching upon anyone.

I won’t lie. My first thoughts were not kind. After all, I am my father’s daughter. Then I quickly said, “what the fuck?” Then I ruminated. I am human. Rumination happens. I thought about the effort it took this person. Then I thought how awful their current mind space must be to write notes even when they haven’t been impacted. Simply put, my presence bothered them. And they wanted to let me know. They didn’t want to confront me. They wanted to release something within themselves onto me. And that’s what I thought about the most. 

I thought about how that’s what so many are doing right now. Releasing their negativity onto others. As if all of the dread and unhappiness they feel within themselves can no longer be contained and must be channeled outward. 

I believe we aren’t just what we say. We are what we do. We can never disconnect from our actions. Our actions are a direct reflection of something within ourselves. And, oh how our actions speak loud. I don’t believe people realize how much of themselves they reveal to others. But through our actions we lift the veil. Full exposure. They aren’t exposing others however, as they often hope. They are exposing themselves. We always are. 

I rolled into Target still bothered by the odd non-encounter, when I saw a man with his two dogs and sign simply stating, “Hungry. Please help.” He will never know that he was placed there for me. In addition to grabbing the few items I needed, I gathered up items for him and his dogs. I hustled back to where he was only to find him gone. But I knew I needed to locate him, so I asked for help from All That Is, and before too long there he was. I handed off the bag and accepted his appreciation with a smile. I wanted him to know that – I see him. He isn’t invisible.

Someone went out of their way to place negativity onto me. Or at least, to try. It was up to me what I did with it. Sometimes I handle things well. Sometimes I don’t. Today, I chose to use it as a catalyst to push me to do something out of the way, plain and simple nice for someone. So thank you negative note writer. You reminded me of how important it is to go out of my way to be kind. And how important it is to stop and transform negativity into something better. Little do you know, but your actions helped someone today.

Sane

What If…

During the shooting for Yours for the Asking, Lupino signals director Alexander Hall that she can do the previous scene better, and would like another take.BY JOHN SPRINGER COLLECTION/CORBIS/CORBIS/GETTY IMAGES.

I love driving. Its the perfect time to be alone with my thoughts and the hum of movement. Something about moving through the world stirs my awareness of the energy around me. More often than not, during those times I become more in sync.

While motoring along through expressway traffic earlier, with cars of all shapes and sizes moving forward toward their destination, I thought how we too are always moving toward a destination. Or at least, that is our hope. And like those cars, each of us has an antenna that emits a signal. Some are aware of their antenna, some are not. But there it is, contained within every cell in our body. Its unique and its powerful, and it controls more than most of us can imagine.

But unlike the antenna on a car, ours are highly impressionable. We absorb as well as transmit. We humans are spongy like that. We take in our environment. And our environment takes us in. It’s always a symbiotic relationship. And as well and good as this sounds, often we are clueless as to the vibrational signal we are emitting. Our awareness doesn’t change it from functioning. But our awareness can change – how – it functions. We get to control the frequency. 

Dear reader, I grew up in an environment where life was questionable and uncertain, the what-ifs were almost always leaning toward the negative. What if it doesn’t work out. What if it gets worse. What if it never gets better. Children absorb more than adults because they don’t yet know to think otherwise. They take it all in, whatever is around them. So I too grew up fearing the worst. And I knew it was imperative to prepare. And prepare I did. I not only had a Plan A, I had a B and C. Not realizing what I was doing vibrationally. 

No one is to blame. No one knew better. But many decades later, knowing now how the cells in our body respond not only to our environment but also to our beliefs, I started rephrasing things. I started monitoring my thoughts, my beliefs, my environment and those with whom I surrounded myself. And dear reader, that’s what I’d like to ask of you. Before you go to bed and upon waking, consider this: what if everything works out. And throughout the day, especially when met with something that causes your chest to tighten and your anxiety to mount, ask yourself: what if it’ll be okay. What if I’m right on track. What if things are going to get better.

But I must warn you, pay attention to your environment. There is money to made by making you fear the worst. So take care of what you allow in. Pay attention to the words of those with whom you spend time. Because, it’ll easily seep in. Turn the news off for a bit. Give yourself a break from the constant influx of negativity. Regardless of it being true or not, you being swallowed within it won’t bring healing to the world. Heal yourself, then work outward from there. Monitor your antenna. And take another run at how you approach all of this.

What if by feeling good, you create good. What if by falling into alignment with All That Is, you help others just by being there. What if, you are right where you need to be, doing exactly what you need to be doing. It doesn’t matter what you’ve believed before. It doesn’t matter what vibrations you’ve been transmitting prior to now. Every moment, is a chance to start over. What if it took all of what was to bring you to where you are now. And now is necessary to get you where you want to go. 

Sane

Valentine’s Wish

Marilyn by George Barris, 1962.

I hope you feel love today, dear reader. Quite honestly, I hope you feel love every day. I hope love for yourself resides within your being. During life’s ups and down, whether alone or amongst a group – I hope you feel it for yourself. Yes, that is what I wish for you this Valentine’s Day. 

Life happens. People come and go. But you, well, you take yourself with you wherever you go. So the best thing you can do is feel deep resounding, completely non judgmental love for yourself. That’s not as easy as it sounds. We get caught up in the external. We want confirmation of our value. To be loved by another is a profound feeling. But its temporary.

We can’t accept love from another if we don’t yet feel it for ourselves. I’ve had great loves. I have also had the most empty relationships imaginable, hidden under the guise of love. It happens. I believe it happens to many of us. I believe there’s something to be gained from those experiences – all of them. Even the ones that turned my world upside down. We learn who we are in those moments more than almost any other time in our life experience. I wish they felt better. I wish they were easier, and yet if they were they wouldn’t serve their purpose. 

I feel there’s something to be learned about ourselves in every moment. Why something hurt us the way it did. Why something disappointed us so deeply. When all is said and done, if we choose, we can walk away knowing more deeply who we are because of those tumultuous experiences. I often say it’s who we are and who stands with us in the rain that matters most. I believe that. I believe it’s in the rain that we discover who we are. I love sunny skies. But, when it comes to making peace with our inner being – no other experience allows for that more than when the rain is pouring down. 

So this Valentine’s Day, I’d like to recommend to my fellow umbrella seekers, to treat yourselves in the most delicious way you can imagine. And come to terms with all of the ups and downs held within your heart. Please know I have had some downs. Some completely outside of my control. But I’ve also had ups that exceeded my expectations. They are all there, like threads in the tapestry that is my life. I need to be okay with each thread. I moved through those moments and those moments moved through me. I will never be able to separate myself from them. Nor can you. With love and non judgment look at them. 

The next thing I ask is for you to savor how beautiful you are. Set aside any self loathing. Set aside the impulse to compare yourself to others. And contemplate for a moment that within you resides a very special glow; a glint from the stars from which you came. No one – no one – has that same glint. Its yours. So wear it well. Yes you are the sum of your life experiences, but your are so much more. Own your tapestry. But remember, you are not your tapestry. You are the keeper of your history. But that’s all it is. History. Good and bad. You are the glint. You are the stars, crushed into dust and made into the most exquisite, unique person. And that is the person I love. So smile. Dance. Savor. And remember, no one can love you better than you.

Sane.

Getting Out of the Way

Dolly Parton and her 1964 Cadillac. Vintag.es

There are times in life when the best thing we can do is to get out of our own way. I feel oftentimes, unwittingly, we block the very things we desire from entering into our life. We don’t mean to. We aren’t intentionally putting up a road block. But the energy that powers the Universe is similar to the energy nestled in the walls of our home, it works the way it works. You can’t yell at your outlet. You can’t beg the lights to turn on. Either we work – with it – or we don’t.

A lot of what I’m doing currently is just that; stepping aside so the energy of the Universe and my higher self can step in. Its easy to get caught up in the minutia of life. My analytical, need-to-get-things-done brain will go into hyper drive. I don’t fault myself for this. Growing up in an alcoholic home my mind had to be on high alert most of the time. Always looking for indicators of the conditions around me. I carried that forward, and in some ways its served me well. But it can also disconnect me from the flow.

Have you ever noticed how some of the best things in life have, seemingly, come out of the blue. You hadn’t even known certain hues were possible until, by chance, you were in the right place at the right time to catch that particular sunset. Or, someone came into your life, appearing almost out of thin air. And it was just the right person at the time. If you had to plan it, you couldn’t have because your mind couldn’t conceive beyond its own history. It only knows what it knows. 

So sometimes, we block energy, the Universe, All That Is, by holding onto what has been. We envision or plan based on historical data. We can’t imagine a color we haven’t yet seen. Most of us can’t imagine a smile not yet given to us. Whether we mean to or not we all possess a set of blinders. The Universe does not. The Universe knows that the very thing you desire might be something you haven’t yet experienced. 

Then, the best thing to do is step aside. Be open. Try to be a bit more childlike with your wonder. Allow yourself to be amazed. Even if those things are simple and appear insignificant. They aren’t. The energy behind it is far from insignificant. Its the exact energy you’re wanting to dabble in if you’re wanting something new. Especially, oh especially, if your life has stalled and feels like each day is a repeat of the last. 

I was recently caught up in wonder. Pointing at things in amazement. New things. Different things. Beautiful things. Things I didn’t even know existed. Like a small child, I was in awe. I wasn’t thinking about things working out. I wasn’t thinking about business plans. I wasn’t thinking about the rate of financial returns or chapters of books. I wasn’t thinking about deadlines or obligations. I got out of my way for a bit. And in that moment I let something new creep in. I allowed myself a moment to shift my energy. Oddly enough, not long after, that shift helped with the minutia. More importantly, I got out of the way long enough for the Universe to bring into my life things I didn’t even know I needed. But dear reader, once I was presented with it, I knew I had needed it.

So as you step into your day, if you can, do your best to step aside. Get out of your own way. Set aside ideas of how it should be. How its always been. And be open to the unplanned, unimagined. Allow for something new.

Sane

In Relation

I’ve been thinking how our life experience is not meant to be insular. Everything we do is in relation to something. Its through our exposure to others that we learn about ourselves. I should say, we have the opportunity. Often, we see others as being separate from us. I don’t believe that’s so. 

People bring out the best in us. They can also bring out the worst. The key is that its being brought out. Meaning, it was already there. For the most part, they didn’t create it.

I think we can meet the most detestable of individuals and, depending upon where we are within ourselves, it may not ruffle one feather. We don’t resonate with their energy. We don’t operate on their vibrational level. We witness it. We see it. But we aren’t it. But also, we can meet the most lovely of individuals and, depending upon the love we possess within ourselves, we can either bask in the mutually swirling love or not notice it’s even there. We can’t experience beyond what we are.

Life is constantly giving us opportunities to take stock of where we are. Its near impossible to not know where we reside vibrationally. We work in relation to others and experiences. How we handle life reveals where we are within ourselves. I have many moments where I have to stop and tell myself to acknowledge how I feel. I do this during both good times and not so good times. I do this because there are moments when I am truly baffled by myself. And in those times, I have to ask myself why something is making me feel so peculiarly wonderful or bothering me to the point where I stare at the ceiling at 2am; causing me to kick a foot out from under the covers in exasperation.

And with the things that upset me, if I’m brave and honest enough to dig deeper – I almost always find an area within myself that’s been spotlighted; where my true feelings don’t match what I tell myself.

Telling yourself something does not always mean it’s what you believe. With somethings we’re all talk. We make that discovery when exposed to something unexpected. It’s up to us to heal it or ignore it. I don’t believe we are meant to be perfect. We don’t have to do anything. But I will say dear reader, often when we ignore something it’ll circle back. Usually, growing with intensity and depth.

I’ve been through some rough stuff. And it’s entirely up to me how I view those events. Some I’ve handled well. Some not so well. What I know is this, I didn’t want any of them. But they were brought into my life for a reason. I may never fully know why. But I see what came from them. What I chose to take from them. And in many ways, as almost unimaginable as it may sound, I’m not entirely sure I’d change anything. I lived through them. So what I’m trying to say is this: whatever it is that you may be experiencing, take a moment to pause. Listen to your body. Pay attention to how you feel. What its telling you. Listen without judgement. You need to be your own safe space. And in the moments when you feel completely ripped to shreds. Just know that you have within you everything you need to pull from the moment what is necessary to rise higher.

Sane

Change of Plans

Good evening, dear reader. I’m here. Only now I’m writing under a moon that shines onto towering oaks draped in Spanish moss. You see, I decided I needed to make some changes. This change was completely under my control. And it felt good. But it comes on the heels of a lifetime of change that always felt beyond me – as if a force was flicking my life like a toy; watching it spin. For what spiritual reason I can’t say. To test me. To see how I would respond. To see who would show up within me. To give me an opportunity for growth. Perhaps all the above. And I did. 

But there’s something about that kind of change that can really get to a person after awhile. That’s the thing with growth. The taller the stem, the stronger it needs to be to stand. And all of that sounds wonderful conceptually and philosophically, but it can be a bit rough in the undertaking. And yet, here I am. And here you are. Still standing. Still growing. Still slaying dragons and overcoming. 

In retrospect I’ve been able to make sense out of most all of the challenges that have come my way. Oh but I wish so many of them weren’t necessary. So I spent the day reflecting on why. Why is it necessary. I walked the ocean and let the brisk breeze speak. And They said, yes. But let us tell you why.

It’s not so much the challenge. Its who we are in those moments. What and who shows up within us. These things we perceive as punishment aren’t punishment at all. Its part of the deal of living on this spiritual plane and whether we understand it or not or remember it or not, which we don’t, we knew it before we emerged. 

This brought me little comfort. So I went deeper. Why is it we must lose things of value. Why do we sometimes have to let go. Their reply: It depends. Sometimes it has nothing to do with us, but it still provides an opportunity for expansion. Sometimes it’s because what we held onto was holding us back. There are times when the very roots we create under the belief of ensuring stability are the ones that tie us down. In other words, the reason varies greatly.

Life will change. Just when everything is set in place. Just when all our plans have been carefully crafted. It happens to us all. Sometimes we are the one who get to spin things and completely pull up roots. And maybe that’s what we need to do every now and again. Something out of the norm. Something unexpected, unplanned. Sometimes we need to remind ourselves that we aren’t as passive as we believe. And the calendar is a tool, it holds no guarantee. So take stock of how you feel now. What’s working. What’s not. What is it you’ve been waiting to do. And maybe you can’t do all that you want just yet. That’s okay. Take baby steps. Tiny little increments that have a way of shifting your vibration dramatically.

So whether you’ve changed your plans or Life has changed them for you – keep walking. I’ll be walking with you.

Sane

PS I’ve decided to take the next year to live a nomadic life. Thus far I have explored the peculiar islands lining the Georgia coast, stared at an armadillo, had lunch with some wild horses. Caught a wicked bout of covid. Had my tarot cards read in Savannah. Got pulled over by a Georgia State Trooper. And met an exceptional person who reminded me that we shouldn’t wait on life.

Into the Distance

It’s now the first day of the new year. Its been a rough day. It happens. I’ll recover. But its put me in the most peculiar of moods. So here I sit, doing the only thing I know to do, write. While seated in church, in other words, with music filling the air around me while I sit under the waxing crescent moon. This is how I heal.

I’ve always been one to seek solace by sitting and staring off into the distance. When young I would sit in the dark at the dining room table; the large FM radio playing softly while I stared at the lights in the distance from passing cars. Today, as if moved by an unseen force I found myself sitting at the water’s edge looking out. In that moment all I wanted was for night to fall so I could do what I am now doing. But instead of peeling oranges as I did as a young girl, I now sip wine and let my fingers busy themselves. While they do the words that come forth often teach me more than anyone else. This is the way Spirit moves through me. Healers come in all shapes and sizes, dear reader. Often my own fingers are used to heal me.

I found myself missing my mother terribly, today. I missed her support. I missed her presence. I missed the life I wish we had together. I wanted so much for her company. She really wasn’t that kind. And that’s okay. But I still wished for it just the same. She and I were so very different. I try to be the mother I had and the mother I wished for. I loved her dearly. It is still hard to believe she is gone.

I have absolutely no idea what is ahead of us. What I do know is that your emotions will always be there to guide you. Emotions speak. Although truthfully, many don’t understand their language. We misread them constantly. Listen to your core, dear reader. Pay attention to the subtle signals it sends. Your soul knows who you are. Every fiber in your body does too. Yet, so often we believe the voice of self-doubt, ridicule and fear. When we do we feel the pain well from deep within. That pain is because those thoughts aren’t stemming from your true self. Your emotions are trying to tell you that this is not your truth.

You are here for a reason. This I know. For each of us it is different. Each journey though, is meant to be joyful. Go in that direction. Your emotions will try to help you. Detach the best you can. Just because something brings you joy, doesn’t mean you are to capture it. Perhaps it was meant solely for a fleeting moment for you to know the feeling. This is hard, I know. Allow life to be, without your judgement of it. Feel and let go. Feel and let go. Spread your arms and inhale the glory of the world around you. For within it is all the things that delight you. Your emotions will help you filter those out.

Also too, it will help you to know the things that dishonor you. Those things are in conflict with who you are. And they hurt like hell. Don’t damn them. Detach, and step back. But remember. When someone dishonors you – you know. Emotions are powerful. But it’s what rests behind the emotion that empowers you – always. Discover it.

Our journey is one with constant blind corners. And at times it gets downright scary. At times we feel so alone its smothering. You aren’t, though. Look up. See the moon. See the sun. See the clouds. They stand like guardians; reminding you that you are part of something much bigger. The trees stand amongst us while we walk through our days; showing us that we always have a place upon which to lean. And the music, it is energy captured and put to rhythm. It’s what is inside of you. It is what’s trying to flow through you – always. Feel it. Breathe it in. Breath is much more than merely a mandatory condition of the body. Its how we move Life through us. Take this with you, dear reader.

And always, know that you are loved. Now I shall return to enjoying the last drop of my Cabernet while looking up at Venus and this beautiful waxing crescent moon. And remembering my mother, knowing that she is helping me around all the blind corners.

Sane

What Do You Believe

What do you believe? It’s an important question to ask yourself. Because whether you are aware of it or not, your beliefs determine much of your journey.

I remember one time, sitting with my mother. I had recently given her a powerful book to read. The book had within it many spiritual truths. Underpinnings as to our power, and how it controls much of our life. It spoke of the importance of, not just our words, not just our thoughts – but our beliefs. The thought behind the thought. My mother closed the book, handed it back to me and said, “Well, the hell with that.”

I’ve always appreciated my mother’s straightforwardness. Even when what she was saying was something I didn’t want to hear. My mother instantly knew that she was not the master of her beliefs. More so, she knew her deepest beliefs were not ones of a positive nature. The fears within her had become her beliefs. It’s like that for many of us. But never underestimate the contrast and challenges Life brings before you. Because each one offers a chance to confront one’s beliefs, and either walk forward in them or to see them for what they are; to see how they have been holding us back.

There is a powerful Sufi phrase regarding communication. But I feel it’s valuable, not just during communication with others, but also, for communication within ourselves. Sufi’s teach that there are three filters through which our thoughts should travel before being spoken: Is it true. Is it necessary. Is it kind. It’s the first filter that I’d like you to focus on as you move through your weekend. Is it true. To answer that one must first know what they believe. You almost always know what you believe once you take note of what rises within yourself when confronted with contrast or challenge, regardless of what we say or do outwardly.

My mother was very aware of what bubbles up from within herself. Fear. A life spent in fear had worn her down considerably. Some of the fear was inflicted upon her from outside sources. From there her inner fear grew stronger. Before long she viewed the world through a fear-shaded lens. Getting control over one’s own beliefs, owning them, healing them, then managing them – feels like an insurmountable task, at times. It did for my mother. It is the key to freedom, however. It is the key that unlocks one’s own power. It is the vital step that places us firmly in alignment with All That Is.

I won’t even begin to tell you, dear reader, that it is easy. It’s not. Life is a journey, whether you are cognizant of why you are here. You can either get run over by life. Or help lay the foundation that creates the road. You don’t get to control every turn. You don’t get to control every hill. Your Higher Self has you here doing things that are meant to develop your soul in ways from which your shadow self will always try to run and your mind will struggle to understand. But once you know your beliefs, things become clearer. Once you have mastery of the thought behind the thought, you look at the curve and see why it’s been placed before you. That is what alignment does – it lessens the fear of what’s around the corner and allows us to see things we couldn’t see before. Your beliefs matter. They tell you almost everything about your soul’s development.

Do you believe the Universe is conspiring to help or hurt you, to support or to penalize you? Do you believe that help is always there for you, just when you need it or that you will be left to suffer alone. Either way, you will get what you believe.

Believe in Love, dear reader. Believe it. Be it. See it.

Sane

Good Grief

I woke today missing my mother so deeply I cried. And the tears seemed to cascade into every piece within me that feels broken, abandoned and utterly exhausted. I’m not sure if a soul can suffer from exhaustion. But there are times when mine feels so tired that I’m convinced it can.

Grief has a funny way of changing one’s life. Just the thought of losing someone can unearth within us things of which we weren’t even aware. Losing someone outright, well dear reader, that offers its own path of discovery. And from what I can tell the only way to get to the other side of grief, is by grieving. I come from a long line of people who hardened themselves against expansive emotions. Either by way of pure stoic strength or numbing themselves with alcohol, we didn’t show much emotion. God forbid we admit such a thing as crying, as it surely meant we were falling apart. When, in the case of what I’m feeling today, perhaps I’m falling together.

Emotion is meant to be felt; to point to an important part within ourselves. Sometimes emotion points to bits and pieces within us that need to be gathered up and mended. Sometimes it points to gifts that were meant to be cultivated and shared with the world. Whether pointing out our fears or pointing out our joys, either way, emotions are very much like our own internal GPS system meant to navigate us along our Divine path.

Its only been four months since losing my mother. And during those months I often found myself wishing life would give me a Get Out Of Jail Free card; something I could pull out and use to remind everyone that within me rests a heart that is hurting; one where a low-level dull ache has taken up residency. And behind every emotion I feel, both the good and the not so good, rests this ache. So tread lightly. But life doesn’t seem to offer such a thing. Instead, I feel like I’m pressed to keep offering my very best, to stand in the line of fire, to tip toe onto the farthest precipices of faith – all while feeling I’m only partially as whole as I use to be.

During the times when I am able to allow grief to do what it needs to do, I’ve taken note of the emotions that have surfaced. Some are more ugly than I’d like. There has been a fair share of the why me’s? Haven’t I endured enough? All the typical self-centered utterances of ego. Then there are the emotions that sit closer to my core. The one’s where I simply feel the emptiness of never being held by my mom, again, or the flash of penetrating loss when I go to send her a text to share a moment I know she’d enjoy – but realize I can’t.

I feel tired, dear reader. I feel as though I’m being pushed beyond my limits as of late. And grieving is only adding to the push. Then the soft voice of Spirit whispers within me. Yes, I know it feels that way, dear child. And, in many ways you are right, you are being pushed. You are growing. You are expanding into a more authentic version of yourself. A version that is ever more closely aligned with me. Stay strong. Don’t give up. It will all make sense in time. But know this, my child, the grieving is allowing you to open spaces within yourself that wouldn’t be opened otherwise. And your mother is helping you to do that.

So I cry some more. Most of all, I allow myself to cry. Why it is we humans get so wrapped up in prohibiting ourselves from feeling all that we need and are intended to feel, I don’t know. But we do. So today, dear reader, if you feel any of these things that I’ve shared with you, know that you are not alone. And what Spirit said to me, it is also saying to you. Don’t resist the emotion that pushes you from deep within. It is there to help you take notice of something. We are here to grow, to expand and express and experience. Emotion is often the very thing that helps us navigate that expansion. There is a teaching voice behind every emotion. What is it saying? Either it points to what has been holding us back, or it points to what will help move us forward. So don’t smother it. Listen and explore it.

Sane

My Mother. My Safe Space.

The Young Writer, Awards Night with Mom.

I remember one time in middle school having to call home. I can’t recall my reason. Complaints of illness, perhaps. My father was in the hospital a lot during that time; his body shutting down due to his advanced alcoholism. I mustered all the courage I could find to make my way to the office to express my needs. An anxiety-inducing task for this shy, young girl, in and of itself. But the office secretary required me to call and talk to my mother, directly. As soon as I heard her voice, on the other end, I cried. There’s just something about my mother’s voice that cuts to the core of me, and exposes my heart wide.

Most likely because my soul knew that with her, I was safe. Safety can do that to a person. The ego, which so often tells us how hardened we must be due to this world, has a difficult time convincing us of the same when it comes to certain safe people.

After rushing my son to the hospital due to his brain tumor, it was my mother who again provided this safe space in my hotel room each night. Not my husband. My mother. She sat quiet while I railed against God for coming after my son. She sat quiet while I wept afterward, asking forgiveness for all the harsh words I had just spoken. Her silence wasn’t judgmental. She did one of the most giving things one can do for another, she allowed me to work through my emotions while holding me in the safe space of Love and Light.

I went through a rather hard time at the conclusion of this last year. One that pushed me not only to the edge of my physical being, but more importantly, one that made me question myself as a spiritual guide. It was she that I called. And as soon as I heard her voice I cried.

My tears have always been safe with my mother. I am so grateful for her.

Dear reader, people matter. People are one of the most significant, magical, loving ways through which Spirit works with us, and for us. I lost my mother the other night. It was unexpected. I didn’t get to say goodbye.

While racing to the hospital I spoke directly to her spirit. Oh dear reader don’t think for a second that the little girl in me didn’t want to beg her to stay. It did. But my own soul wouldn’t let me be selfish. Instead, it pushed me to operate from a place of love. So I told my mother that if she wanted to stay that the Heavens would support her. But if she wanted to go, I understood. It was okay. I wouldn’t hold it against her. Within seconds of my words entering the air around me, my mother’s presence entered my Jeep, and settle onto the passenger seat beside me. At first I felt my body resist, as if I could push against, and thus change reality. Then I softly broke, and felt her riding along next to me. I knew.

And now I find myself bouncing between the world of extremes. My physical, emotional and spiritual being wanting only to feel her dainty arms wrapped around me, once again. And the world that demands that I discuss how to handle her passing, often using terms so technical I have to remind myself they are actually talking about my mother.

When I left the hospital, the other night, I told her that I wasn’t strong enough for this, not yet. She returned to the passenger seat, cigarette in hand, as it usually was, and said, “Yes you are.” She never really did mince words. The majority of who I am agrees with her. The small child in me needs time. But the all of me sees the love, knows the love and feels the love. And the all of me is so very grateful that I was given this beautiful, feisty, little Indian scout as a mother. She pulled me through so many rough times. She held me like no other. She loved me like no other. She was like no other. I hope I blessed her life as much as she blessed mine.

Sane