Dig a Little Deeper

I think it’s becoming inescapably clear, something is going on. Of course, science said we were going to be in this boat. This level of a pandemic. But I’m talking about more than that.

Sometimes when I’m walking, looking up at the trees – listening to them speak – I’m reminded that its not all about us. We’re just one of the many inhabitants on this glorious planet. And as remarkable as we can be, we can also be absolutely loathsome. Everyone and everything matters. And I think something is trying to remind us of that. Something is giving us the opportunity to care not just about ourselves, but for one another and everything around us. To care for what’s under our feet, as well as who’s standing next to us.

I don’t know when mankind abandoned humanity. I’m not sure if it was ever in fashion. From all my research it seems we’ve been a pretty inconsiderate lot since early on. We live in a world where kindness is seen as weakness and hurting one another is seen as strength. Not to me. I’m still digging and mining for the best in mankind; the gold that runs within the hardened rock. It’s there. It’s malleable, its allowing, and its more valuable than the hardened substrate around which its surrounded. 

What if all of this awfulness were an opportunity given unto us to do right by one another. An opportunity to respond. Do we hoard or do we give. Do we step forward or run away. Do we strike out or embrace. Are we kind or indifferent. Do we follow through or do we ignore. The prompts are continual.

Mankind has always had to endure calamities. We do collectively. We do individually. Thats nothing new. And yet, it’s how we respond that shapes what unfolds next. How we respond shapes how we see the world. And the world responds. We have a beautiful symbiotic relationship with the world, which includes the earth. And, those around us.

I can’t say I’d blame the planet if it simply shook us off. It’s given us ample time to respect it. Like a negligent partner, we haven’t listened. And the Universe has given us more than one chance to care for one another. So if like a dog with fleas the planet decides to rid itself of us with a thorough shake, I think I’d understand. And yet, I want a chance to say…

it’s not easy being an individual with individual thoughts and feelings and history and dreams, while living in a world surrounded by other individuals. It’s just not. But some of us really do try. We love the smells you offer. We love the darkness with its stars. We love the sun with its warmth. We love smiles from strangers. And our hearts fill when we see people helping one another. And they do. And as heartbroken as we are for the behavior of some, it’s not the behavior of most. Most care. Most are strong enough to be kind. Most want to see everyone thrive. Yes, we have some horrific bad apples out there and they are doing a lot of damage to the collective. But, I ask that you listen beyond the loudest and look past the most demonstrative. Dig deeper for those who are nestled between. Because within those hardened layers you’ll find gold and precious stones; the kind, the unselfish, the jewels of what humanity can be. Still flawed, in need of polishing, but we’re doing our best. 

Sane

When Pushed

I used to think I was a nice person. Now, I take it day by day. I was once told by someone that I was the kindest person they’d ever known. Words that warmed my heart. But part of me questioned whether it was accurate. I know the thoughts I think, and I have to say they aren’t always kind. In the moment, when confronted with the worst in mankind, I want to rage against the ignorance, the racism, the bigotry, the vile behavior. But more often than not, I step back long enough to allow the soft voice of Spirit to remind me that those ways are not in line with who I am. 

There are times when the kindest thing I can do is say nothing. And on days when I’m feeling particularly strong, I offer a silent blessing. But that isn’t all of who I am. I’m also the person who has, on more than one occasion, buzzed open her sunroof and extended a middle finger. I wish I could say it didn’t feel as good as it did. But dear reader I’ve never lied to you about who I am. I’m a human who is just trying to be the best she can be, regardless of what is before me. I’m a feisty rebel wrapped inside of a thoughtful, spiritually driven soul. At times the two are at odds. At other times, they are linked.

I think we’re all feeling pushed. But these aren’t end times. More like, the Universe wants us to finally get honest about who we are. So. We’re pushed to the point where our authentic self emerges. And either what emerges is someone we feel good with or we don’t. Either way, we need to know. We need to come face to face with our true self. When lost at sea, we can either stay adrift and misguided, or we can figure out where we are using the stars above. Once we know that, we can begin to navigate our way forward.

Who shows up in me when I have no clue how I will sustain a business crippled by store closings. Who shows up when my expenses outweigh what’s trickling in. Who shows up when someone I don’t know is in need. Who shows up when I’m standing shoulder to shoulder with someone who believes completely different than me. Who shows up when my mind can’t stop in the middle of the night, or when the news only shows the worst of humanity railing against people they don’t even know. Who shows up in me when it seems as though our world has turned upside down.

I don’t really care how one behaves when the sun is shining and there are ample funds to go around; times of excess. I want to know who shows up when people feel threatened; when money is tight and the future is uncertain. What matters to me is who pushes others out of the life raft and who extends a hand to pull them in. Those who are kind in those moments are my people. Those who would give from what they have, when what they have is little. Those who encourage inclusiveness and equality. My soul is paying special attention during this unique time. But not just of others – of me. In every moment I have the opportunity to be my best self, or my worst. And dear reader, I’m giving it my all. 

It takes strength to be kind. Don’t get discouraged because you get tired. Just notice what it’s bringing out in you – and those around you.

Sane

Thank you

From the bottom of my heart, thank you. Never before has it been so apparent to tell those who give a damn from those who don’t. It’s as though the Universe lifted the veil making it easy to identify who gives a flying fuck about others from those who don’t. And to those who care about me, thank you.

Dear reader, when you wear a mask to prevent possibly spreading a virus onto others, you are telling me you give a damn about me. And for that, I thank you. To you, this post is written. To the rest of you, go fuck your self righteous selves. I’m tired of you and you’re higher than thou excuses for your behavior. As a writer it pains me to admit this, but actions speak louder than words. Check yourselves. Check your actions. Look in the mirror and ask yourself why you believe you matter more than anyone else. You don’t.

I’m madder than hell with those who use words to mask their incredible insensitivities toward humanity. Fuck you.

Dear reader, I write this blog to remind us that we aren’t alone. It’s super easy right now to feel alone. But you’re not. You are surrounded by exceptional people. You may not know their names. You may never share a hug with them. But they are there, and their numbers are great. So, moving forward, I want everyone to let their gaze fall upon those who have taken that outward step to protect you. Their actions are true to Source. All That Is, is Love. Love gives a damn. Love reaches further to help others. Love protects. And that is what wearing a mask does – it protects others. And there is no greater outward sign of love than that. 

I don’t know how well my heart would handle coming down with this particular virus. Without going into too much detail, I don’t think it would do all that well. So to those who choose to protect me, thank you. You don’t know that about me when you walk past me. Which makes it all the more impactful. It’s caring for the sake of caring.

Dear reader, the Universe is watching and responding. What you are doing, as simple of an act as it is, represents who you are. And who you are is someone who doesn’t want to risk harming anyone; one of the most basic tenets of love. That’s why I wear one. Even though I feel like I’m suffocating while wearing it, I do it. I do it to protect you. Is it bothersome, yes. Yes, it is. So is driving the speed limit or staying in my lane. But I do it. Because if I didn’t, who knows the wake of damage I’d leave behind me. Miles ahead I may be fine, but those I left behind might not be. 

Ugliness is magnified right now. But, I want you to look for the caretakers, the peacemakers, the mask wearers. Those who are showing up with love as their guide. At first you may not see them, they aren’t thumping their chests loudly. They aren’t acting as if the world revolves around them. But they are there. I want you to look for them. Notice them.

Love is kind. Love helps. Love encourages and uplifts. Love is inclusive. Love unites. Love gives a damn about those around them.

And if my bluntness offends anyone, I do not apologize. Because there are no other words that embody the true intent of what I want to express here, other than the ones I have chosen. I feel good with them. My compass is still pointing true north. 

Sane

Night Driving

Photo by F.C. Gundlach, 1954, Lo Olschner, ocelot coat by Berger, Hamburg.

There are days when I feel as though I’m driving through this world in the middle of the night on a road I’ve never traveled before. Truthfully, it feels like that a lot. I suppose however, that is the true definition of faith in action. I’m trusting that my desires rest just beyond my headlight’s beam.

Faith is a bit like walking through a pitch black room; trying to get to the other side one slowly keeps putting one foot in front of the other, trusting that with each step they will feel the ground. The ground isn’t visible. But they’re trusting it’s there. Really, anything else would not be faith. Anything less would not be utilizing inner Knowing, it would be utilizing a mind that has already seen the outcome.

As I continue to build this women’s empowerment clothing line, the more and more I realize that I am on a cross-country journey of faith in action. My inner self is elated. My mind, well, that is the part of myself I’m always training. Because my mind keeps wondering what is beyond the headlights. For all it knows, instead of road the earth could just drop off, taking me with it.

So when I get amped up and filled with anxiety, or worse, caught in a moment of utter self-doubt, I sit and remind myself – just drive. Keep moving forward. Don’t speed, as that kicks up the fear triggers. Instead, motor along and enjoy the ride. Look around more. The headlights are illuminating everything I need to see in the moment. So take in the moment. Stop wondering what is beyond my sight line. Perhaps what is just out of view is still being brought together by the Universe in honor of my continued belief and faith.

If the desire is within us, and the passion is there to fuel the desire, then it is meant to be. It has a purpose and my job is to honor the desire by moving forward Knowing that what is meant to be will be. I am not to expect a certain outcome. I am not to get weighed down in What Ifs. I’m meant to believe that the road will take me where this desire is meant to go.

Desire is what makes life worth living. And life should be a bit more fun than we often allow it to be. When we worry about what rests ahead we often fail to see and appreciate what is being given to us in the now. And there is usually always something of value meant for us to notice in the present. Perhaps doing that one simple act of appreciation is what helps to orchestrate what’s to come, what will soon fall into the range of our headlights. Perhaps faith is Divine fuel.

So dear reader, when getting where you want to go feels overwhelming try to let go of wondering what is ahead. Trust that as you move forward, as you keep taking the necessary steps to do all that you can do to keep driving, you will get there. People and places and experiences will fall into place. Most likely, they are waiting for you just around the bend. The headlights won’t show those things until you make a few more turns. Keep appreciating what you can in the now and keep driving. Life is a lot like a cross-country adventure. There are times when it feels as though you aren’t moving. There are certain states that seem to take a lifetime to drive through. About half way through you begin to convince yourself you won’t make it. But you will. Take your time. Try not to give up.

Sometimes the kindest thing you can give yourself is a release. Release your timeline, release your hard fast rules or expectations. And trust that All Is Well and everything is working – you just may not see it yet. Breathe. You’ll get there.

Sane

What Do You Believe

What do you believe? It’s an important question to ask yourself. Because whether you are aware of it or not, your beliefs determine much of your journey.

I remember one time, sitting with my mother. I had recently given her a powerful book to read. The book had within it many spiritual truths. Underpinnings as to our power, and how it controls much of our life. It spoke of the importance of, not just our words, not just our thoughts – but our beliefs. The thought behind the thought. My mother closed the book, handed it back to me and said, “Well, the hell with that.”

I’ve always appreciated my mother’s straightforwardness. Even when what she was saying was something I didn’t want to hear. My mother instantly knew that she was not the master of her beliefs. More so, she knew her deepest beliefs were not ones of a positive nature. The fears within her had become her beliefs. It’s like that for many of us. But never underestimate the contrast and challenges Life brings before you. Because each one offers a chance to confront one’s beliefs, and either walk forward in them or to see them for what they are; to see how they have been holding us back.

There is a powerful Sufi phrase regarding communication. But I feel it’s valuable, not just during communication with others, but also, for communication within ourselves. Sufi’s teach that there are three filters through which our thoughts should travel before being spoken: Is it true. Is it necessary. Is it kind. It’s the first filter that I’d like you to focus on as you move through your weekend. Is it true. To answer that one must first know what they believe. You almost always know what you believe once you take note of what rises within yourself when confronted with contrast or challenge, regardless of what we say or do outwardly.

My mother was very aware of what bubbles up from within herself. Fear. A life spent in fear had worn her down considerably. Some of the fear was inflicted upon her from outside sources. From there her inner fear grew stronger. Before long she viewed the world through a fear-shaded lens. Getting control over one’s own beliefs, owning them, healing them, then managing them – feels like an insurmountable task, at times. It did for my mother. It is the key to freedom, however. It is the key that unlocks one’s own power. It is the vital step that places us firmly in alignment with All That Is.

I won’t even begin to tell you, dear reader, that it is easy. It’s not. Life is a journey, whether you are cognizant of why you are here. You can either get run over by life. Or help lay the foundation that creates the road. You don’t get to control every turn. You don’t get to control every hill. Your Higher Self has you here doing things that are meant to develop your soul in ways from which your shadow self will always try to run and your mind will struggle to understand. But once you know your beliefs, things become clearer. Once you have mastery of the thought behind the thought, you look at the curve and see why it’s been placed before you. That is what alignment does – it lessens the fear of what’s around the corner and allows us to see things we couldn’t see before. Your beliefs matter. They tell you almost everything about your soul’s development.

Do you believe the Universe is conspiring to help or hurt you, to support or to penalize you? Do you believe that help is always there for you, just when you need it or that you will be left to suffer alone. Either way, you will get what you believe.

Believe in Love, dear reader. Believe it. Be it. See it.

Sane

You Are Love

I’m a victim of rape. Did you know that about me, dear reader? It’s one of the most heinous and evil violations done to another. Far beyond a legal crime, it’s a crime against humanity. There is the physical act, but there is also the spiritual karma generated; an energy interaction that transcends the physical. Causing a wound that takes enormous fortitude to heal. But, like all wounds – it can heal.

It must be part of my soul’s journey, that my healing process be long, deep and hard. As healing this part within myself was that, and more. Yet, for all that was taken from me, I have given back to myself ten fold. And Source has given back to me a hundred fold. This I know to be true.

If there is a purpose within such an act, I feel it is that we use it to help those who have endured similar. You see, dear reader, I understand far more than I let on. I understand what it feels like to be hurt beyond heart-break. I know the walk to heal a broken soul. I know the battle to overcome shame. I know how it feels to have someone steal a part of who you are. Abuse is abuse. It is a crushing blow that can cripple you until your final day.

I don’t believe in happenstance. I believe events happen for a reason. I may die not having understood them all. But it was after this event that I began to see within people. I began to see their soul. And although this has been a bitter gift at times, I still wouldn’t trade it.

More than anything, it blossomed in me a level of compassion for the abused and disempowered that, to this day, is the basis of my spiritual world. Yet the flower had already been growing. People may damn their unstable upbringings. But for me, mine birthed a flower that became a soul that feels most at home deep within the world that sits just behind the one our human mind sees. I suppose it entered knowing it was destined for such a journey, and I know that I know that it was pleased with what it saw coming. Not because the events would be joyful. But because they were necessary if ever I were to fulfill my purpose. And that purpose is to be an example of love. And often that love stands in the face of all that love is not.

The times I have acted in love amidst the absence of love is numerous. I could damn God for such experiences. Having done so, I know what I would hear, “The example needs to be shown to those who most need to see it.” I live for the moments where I bear witness to love.

Tonight I’m sitting with a nice Côtes du Rhône, good chocolate and good music. I’m sitting with candles lit and I’m peacefully, and sometimes tearfully, reflecting on my life. I’m allowing God to unearth in me all that needs my attention. Things that make me smile. Things that make me cry. Both have value. I’m taking stock of how I’ve done thus far. Life is an endless cycle of opportunities. We are confronted with people of all kinds, carrying out deeds good and bad. Sometimes we become the victim. But later, we get the chance to see that we became a survivor. The Good Book says not to hide one’s light. That light is your truth. It is your hero’s journey. Share it. Help another to heal. Help another feel less alone. If you share your bumpy story, then another will feel less judgmental about their own. That is love.

Love who you are, my friend. You’ve been through a lot. And sometimes it doesn’t feel as though it will ever end. Just remember, you are loved. All the things that have been done to you, are not who you are. Who you are is determined by what you have done in the face of those things. Someone tried to take something from me. They succeeded. And it took years to heal. It took years of nurturing. But, for everything they took, I’ve added. My love is more tender, more authentic, more steadfast and true. Its raw and its nuanced and its spiritual beyond words. I remember ever baby step and every far reach it took to get here. I remember ever muscle ache and bit of fatigue. Not to mention how life looks when brought continually onto one’s knees, surrendered in prayer. With every agonizing bit of growth came a feathery soft, encompassing hug from heaven. Every pivotal event in my life has caused me to discover something new about myself.

To this day I cry as softly and delicately as I laugh. When I make love, heaven joins me. When I speak, something sometimes pushes my voice aside to share a deeper truth. When I look upon this world, I see the profound beauty mixed with actions that show how dark people can be. Within a person’s eyes, I see their soul and I see their struggles. I see their truth and I see their lies.

I was eighteen when someone broke into my garden, and tried to take the beautiful flowers within me. Little did they know, those flowers had roots. And once the rain had time to pour down and the sun had time to shine, the flowers returned. So remember, dear reader, I understand. Life can be brutal. But you are strong. And within you is everything you need to blossom. No one can take that away. No one can take away Who You Are. Only you have that level of power.

Sane

Written while listening to: Into the Mystic by Van Morrison (if ever I marry again, this will be my wedding song) and We Don’t Know by the Strumbellas.

The Gift of Love

“Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. He who looks outside, dreams. He who looks inside, awakens.” Carl Jung

Dear reader, if I have one wish for you this holiday season, it is that you give yourself the gift of love. This is not a selfish endeavor, as the kind of love of which I speak is not based in ego. It is the love of God. It is the love of Source, and All That Is. It is hard to give ourselves this most precious gift because it is love without judgment. Many do not know how to view themselves in such a way. Instead, we only know how to look upon ourselves and render certain aspects as acceptable, or not acceptable. Good or bad. Worthy or unworthy. But that isn’t love. Those are opinions based, usually, on half truths and fear. Fear that we are not as we should be. Fear that we are not good enough. Often we act out on these beliefs and cause ourselves a good deal of turmoil and added fodder for our ego to feed upon. But its all due to a missing component – a true love of self, and an unshakable knowing that we are worthy. Yes, we may be broken and have things within us that need to be healed. But we are worthy, just the same.

Spirit doesn’t operate in the same way as the egocentric mind. Spirit simply loves for the sake of loving. God creates. God loves its creation. There is no judgment as Source Energy knows that all things are necessary. Every stage of development is required to accomplish growth. One must stumble, if they are ever to walk. Even if one lives a lifetime operating from a place of brokenness, it is still learning. It may take a few lifetimes to counterbalance all the pain and damage it felt and caused, but its still all part of the larger cycle of experiential growth of the soul. During which, it is still worthy, and loved by God.

When we operate from a place of fear we truly do dishonor who we are. And we surely dishonor others. Those are the times when I believe the heavens cry and the angels shed tears.

So, dear reader, give yourself the gift of Love. Cradle the broken parts within yourself as a loving parent cradles a child who has been harmed, and is thrashing about in pain. Ask yourself the deeper questions, Why do I behave as I do when I feel a certain way? Why do I view myself as unworthy? Why is it I feel I am not enough? Why do I grow so fearful? As answers are given – love what you are shown. You may not like what you see. It may break your heart in two, but without condition, love it. Doing so is the most precious gift you can give yourself.

It is the gift of Self Love. Without it, one can never love another. Without it, one can never accept love from another. We can not wave a wand and magically change the world around us. But we can change ourselves, and by doing so, change the world.  God does not look down upon you and up toward another. There is no grading system coming from Heaven. That is the cruel handy work of the mind. So as you go about the next few days, remember – love is patient, love is kind. So do as love does, look upon yourself with kindness, give yourself time. Give yourself the gift of Love.

Sane

Return to Sender

As many of you know, I haven’t felt well lately. I’ve been carrying a weight upon my heart that shouldn’t be there. And although I’m not to blame for its existence, I am to blame for allowing it to make my heart it’s home.

It was a hard decision. But I have decided to let this pain go. I have to give it back to the one who handed it to me. I’ve been given ample opportunity to do so. I back away each time. And as my life is a series of cyclical moments given to me for the purpose of my soul’s expansion, I must let it go if I am to move on.

Lately, I can’t even see the future. Pain has a way of doing that. It can blind us. It can tether us to one spot and suspend us in time. I want only to get lost in the moments that feel good, and turn a blind eye to the hurts of life, at times. The child in me has wanted to blanket this pain with something more pleasing. The problem is, once the pleasing thing is removed, the pain re-emerges and tightens the tether and clouds the future, once again.

It takes courage to do so many things in life. I’d rather step in front of a bullet than watch it sink deep into the heart of those closest to me. But sometimes, the one that fires the shot is the one closest to me. Life is funny that way. Life is always a two-sided coin. Pain lives hand in hand with some of the grandest ecstasies of life. And although no one was there to protect me, I’m the one that is holding on to the bullet. I’ve waited for it to be removed. No hand has come my way. Not the hand I needed to see. So now, with the use of my own loving hand, I will give it back. Not out of anger. Not out of bitterness. But I know me. If I do not remove this, it will cause a shift that will change the future.

Oh yes, life requires of us great courage. Sometimes that courage is to stop and not pull the trigger. To realize that there is another way; that love requires of us to find the other way, so we set the gun aside. It takes courage to love someone; to hold their heart in our hand. It takes courage to cradle in our palm the most sensitive and intimate parts of another while balancing life in the other palm. It’s not easy. It takes careful steps. But most of all it takes thoughtful steps.

I sat quiet for most of my life. To this day I still find myself offering only bright eyes and a kind smile. It’s who I am. I do not look at this as a failing, but it is something that I need to find the courage to work past. If dear reader, you notice that your steps are heavy and that something has blocked your horizon, look at the weight that is on your heart. If you placed it there, examine it, heal it and let it go. If it was placed there by another, with a soft touch, find the courage to hand it back to them. It wasn’t meant for you to hold. It’s for them to heal and let go. But first, you must give it back. Never carry a weight that isn’t yours. Love you. Give it back.

Sane