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Breaking Free

Audrey Hepburn Photographer Bob Willoughby

Audrey Hepburn
Photographer Bob Willoughby

There are days when I awake with a sense of uncertainty. In those moments I want only to strangle the fear that managed to walk with cold steps into my being during the night. Lately I’ve felt pushed a bit further than I am comfortable. I have been pushed to the point of breaking. I could say that I’ve been pushed too far, yet I know such a place, does not exist. We are limitless beings. I am only fearful because of the unknown. I am uncertain only because I don’t yet know if I possess what will be needed.

But I am meant to enter this place with a sense of unknowing. If I entered it already knowing, then there would be no need for me to be brought here. Instead, I’m being pushed further into my expansion. And although some days my movements appear to be only that of moving backward, I understand that expansion requires both. My perception of the soul and the being that is me and you and all of us is one that requires flux. It must move in all directions. It must be able to dip back into our past and outward into what is to become. Expansion requires flexibility.

But in these moments when I feel as though I am breaking. When I want to strangle my fear into submission and whisper to it the words of self-doubt, insecurity and uncertainty – in essence, do to it what it does to me – I realize that this vortex of emotion that currently consumes me is merely part of the process of stepping into a more authentic, connected version of myself. The times when the vortex swirls with uncertainty the worst are the times when it is the thickest, most hardened parts of myself breaking down. Knowing this, and viewing the process of the soul as I do, one would think then that I am always comforted, confident and sure. I wish I could say that were the case. It isn’t.

After I release myself from the fetal position, the awareness that I have developed through my lifetime, does remind me of this knowing. And after I sit awhile and breathe these truths, I remember that I’m okay. This feeling that’s consuming me is just the clamor and crash of the limited walls within myself being brought down. I don’t want those walls. I don’t want to be limited by inflexibility. And yet, the removal of such walls is always accompanied by the same overwhelming vortex of piercing emotion.

I am entering into yet another phase of my soul’s development, and its understanding of mankind. I’m also entering into a place of many unknowns within my personal world. So I will say to you, and I will say to me: this place – whether it be in our outward world or our inward world – only feels daunting because it is not yet known to us. In time, it will become the new, solid plateau on which we stand and view the world. Do not expect yourself to be the master of territory when you haven’t yet stepped foot upon this new land, none alone make it your home. Give yourself time. Know that you are moving in this new direction because your soul, your inner being, the part of you that is connected to All That Is, feels it is where you need to be. You are there for a reason. There is a purpose. And to enter it you must first break free. Not knowing causes you to fear and fear causes you to doubt. Don’t doubt.

These are the words I will take with me today, because I need to hear them.  I ask that you please take them with you.