Honoring You

It’s on my heart to write about relationships tonight and yet my mind says I have no insightful words to offer. However, the desire remains. So I must. Let’s see what is given.

To those whose hearts are aching tonight, I’m sorry for your pain. When the heart and mind have conjured a desire, it will be given. I don’t believe it is always easily given though. If there is a good deal that stands in your way, layers of dysfunction, unresolved pain, then those things must be worked through. The universe will prepare you. But it will do so first by bringing those things to light.

So if you are sitting tonight with a heart that feels two pounds too heavy, pay attention. The dream exists. It lives and it breathes. Clear yourself first. Do the work. Truthfully, you wouldn’t want it any other way. Because when this most breathtakingly beautiful person enters your realm you would not want your layers of damage standing between you two.

As you read these words, I want you to look inward. I want you to sit in darkness and close out the world. Then fall. Free fall until you reach your core. Go home. Remind yourself of who you are. Fall in love with you again, dear reader. You will see some things you may not like. But that’s okay. Those hues upon your palette are there for a reason. They got there somehow. Now paint with them. You get the chance to reclaim your canvas each and every day. No excuses. Just begin painting again.

Take broad strokes. Now paint outward. This time I want you to paint your world not with fear, not with shame and most assuredly not with guilt. This time, paint with love. There is a darkness within me that used to choke my breath. Now, it sits as the shadow within the backdrop of my colorful portrait. I chose how to use it. It didn’t choose me. And if those who view me don’t like it, look away. I won’t change it. So it is with this knowing I say to you, dear reader, do not compromise yourself. Does this take a strong hand – yes. But you are strong.

You are beautiful. You are divine. And God would have it no other way than for you to love every inch of you. No one but society expects you to be perfect. To that I say, fuck society. Fuck the opinions of others. Decide for yourself your definition of perfection, and let that definition be that you are a perfect work in progress. Why – because you are. You see every smudge on your palette. You see every brilliant hue as well as every dark color.

But don’t you see – you were meant to have them all. Life is about figuring out how to use them to paint the life of your dreams. Dream big. Dream bold. Dream in fine lines, dream with giant splotches – just dream. Don’t look upon yourself as possessing anything that is less than. And if someone in your life fails to honor the greatness that is you, step back; they have work to do. The work you had to do was honoring yourself by accepting no less than someone who honors you.

Me – I’m a motley assortment of colors. I am darkness and I am light. But I love them all. I carry the full spectrum of color upon my very large palette. I used to hide much of it. It nearly killed me. Now, I paint using all that is me. What I change are those that I allow into my world, I never change the colors that are me.

Now dab your brush, take a little bit of your lightness and smack it hard against the canvas. Then find the courage to see your struggles, and touch your brush upon the darkness and glide it across your canvas. Own it. Step back. Notice how your darkness brings your lightness to life. See how the one makes the other shine.

Sane

Choose Again

It is one of my deepest beliefs that life brings us the experiences we need to manifest our desires as well as expand our inner being. It’s the choice we make when the experience is given that makes all the difference. I can’t say how often these opportunities will be presented. I think it depends. But try not to take them for granted, dear reader. Give pause and ask yourself: What desires am I allowing myself to experience and which am I holding at bay? How am I choosing to shape my life. These are the questions I periodically ask myself. I think we all should.

Please know that life is not trying to punish you. Often it feels that way. Sometimes the very thing we want most, feels shrouded in crippling uncertainty. Almost as if we have to reach through the briar patch before we can make it our own. The briar patch is merely your pain. It is your fear rearing to the surface. Emotion is a profound indicator. Pay attention. Listen to what it’s telling you. Life is almost always giving. It gives the good and it gives the bad. It gives that which brings to light your dreams and it gives that which prods your fears. It just depends upon the choices you make, and what reality you keep in play. It is easier to reach for fear. We have familiar, intimate knowledge of it. And often, it’s what’s expected. Choose differently. Then expect a different experience.

Remove the briar patch. Don’t walk around it. If you do, it will remain active within you. It will forever stand between you and that which you want. It will even prevent you from finding peace.

Don’t give up. Yes, you have work to do. But that is why you feel the pull to reach. That is why when your thoughts go in a certain direction it feels so good. Follow that feeling. Life is saying to you to remove your blockages. Heal your pain. Don’t let the pain live within your being for so long that it becomes a hardened scar that immobilizes. Life is trying to work with you. Work with it. Choose different. Sometimes these are the hardest choices to make because it requires that we step out of the familiar. But it is the only way to get a different outcome.

When all is said and done, you don’t want to look back and see a life shaped by fear, ruled by pain. You don’t want to look back and see the holes within you that were left open and hurting. And you surely don’t want to see the absence of all that you had wanted.

I try not to carve my dreams in intricate detail. Instead I give the Universe the essence of what I want and then say: Surprise me. And the more I clear away my blockages and allow myself to lean into that belief the more Life is able to work with me. It’s a partnership. To me, it’s the ultimate partnership. The relationship I have with myself and Life is the foundation upon which everything else rests. I love me. I love every healed wound, bump and crevice of my inner being. Also too, I have reconciled every turn Life has given me, as hard as they were. Because each one gave me the chance to choose. I didn’t always choose well. But then another chance was given. It is an enormous moment of self-awareness and spiritual truth when one discovers they are the one standing in their own way. They are the one fertilizing the briar patch. Go easy on yourself, dear reader. But, do stop feeding your fears. Remove the obstacles. Choose again. And when it arrives, reach for it.

Sane

 

The Great Divide

It’s like medicine to sit with a blank page before me. Like many, I often turn away from that which I need. I need this, and yet – life – life, and its many obligations are ever present. At times I feel as though I don’t have the energy to inhale another breath, none alone fulfill my dreams.

But tonight, I sit, and patiently absorb what the blank page offers me. I get to enjoy the cadence of writing; the beats that fall within each syllable. My frustration with life and the clusterfuck of everything that swirls around me falls away once I take my seat, and turn my gaze inward. This white page is the doorway to my soul. Always has been. Chances are – it always will. Writing is my true north.

There are moments when I am nearly convinced I will not live long enough to write all that is within me. Recently someone asked me to think about the star toward which I’m aiming my life. I’ve been sitting with that thought for a few days now. In many ways it feels like that star rests in another galaxy, far, far away. But it doesn’t. It’s here. And much of that star rests within my hands, here and now.

But there is much work to be done. There are many leaps left for me to make. And I will. There is nothing more centering, more calming, more divine than when I dampen the din of the outside world, and listen to the one inside. Whether crafting a fictional story, or devoting my time to the completion of my memoir – all of these many genres hinge upon the same routine – I sit and stare at a blank page. I panic for a brief moment. Then it flows. Sometimes these words mean little to you but almost always they mean the world to me.

The great divide between the life you live and the life you want for yourself, will always be singular to you. For some its conquering the battlefield of fears that separate us from living a life alone and living a life with our forever person. For others it’s about claiming one’s voice; speaking their mind and owning their truths – becoming the person, they were always meant to be. This divide is part of the topography of every expanding soul. It is part of the expansion. The soul urges us to push forward because one of the integral reasons it’s here is to expand in that one direction. Generally, it’s the one area that causes us the most trepidation; the one area that causes us to pull back; the area that can easily spin our world upside down.

If you have found yourself staring at that divide, take a moment. Look out into the horizon – see your star. Find your focal point. Look to your side, see my words, and know that you are not leaping alone. Also too, know that you aren’t here to arrive at that star. You are here to find your inner strength, and to take the leap. You are here to travel, not to arrive.

Say it with me: It’s okay if I rest. It’s okay if I pause. It’s okay to laugh, and it’s okay to cry. But on my final day I will not look back, and see that I never made the leap. I may fall. But I will get up again, until one day I look back – and see behind me – the great divide.

Then I’ll keep walking.

 

Sane

Sitting With Things

 

No longer do I strive to be like anyone else. I do, however, strive to be the most authentic version of myself possible, the version of me that sits closest to God. This requires that I take the time to understand myself; what it is that holds me back as well as what propels me forward. Also too, I must understand those things brought before me by the Universe.

It is important for us to learn how to sit with things. Instead of deeming my first thoughts as always correct, often now, I wait. I’d like to say that my intuition is always right. And perhaps it is. But too often intuition is masked under mental fears. It takes time to learn the subtle deviations in color between the two.

Sitting with things isn’t always a pleasant undertaking. With that said, it also isn’t a time of hand wringing. Hand wringing is caused when something touches upon our pain center. Unresolved issues blur not only our perception when looking outward, they block our view when looking within.

For me, sitting with things merely means my energy shifts from that of action to stillness. My energy turns softer. I grow a bit quieter. And it is during these times especially when I’m made to flex the muscles of patience. It is in that where I can sometimes feel the strain. But that’s okay. The moments brought before us are not always those of jumping with joy. Sometimes they are moments of sitting with uncertainty until we get things figured out.

I’ve become better at this. I’m not as impetuous as I once was. This isn’t to say that every knee-jerk reaction is wrong. What it means is that I try to act less from my mind and more from my soul. And as the mind is the first layer through which our world is filtered, sometimes we have to wait for the second shift of our being to take over, granting us a purer, soulful insight. When I’m already operating from a place of my soul then this all comes easier. But in day-to-day life that isn’t always the case. My mind is busy, my actions are many and the world requires my constant attention. It’s an effort of orchestrating the many facets of my being, for my betterment and the betterment of those around me.

While sitting we can see better if we’re the catalyst for the greater expansion of another, or if they’ve been brought before us to help bring about our change. Keeping in mind there is often an interplay between the two. During these moments of stillness we can ensure that what’s before us honors our true self. As much as I love moments when everything is aligned and fueled with momentum. That isn’t the only way life unfolds. Life can unfold with a turn that causes us to stop. Maybe to draw our attention to a possibility that will impact our course. A turn that leads to the answer to a lifelong prayer or a cautionary pause when we’re about to forfeit a dream.

Life demands our action. But sometimes the first action is to sit. If what we’re seeing is our dream, awaiting our arrival, take it in. Smile. Memorize what’s before you because heaven knows it’s been long-awaited. Then take joyful steps, dear reader. Sometimes what’s before us is there to awaken us. Our world is laid out utilizing the full spectrum – a constant dichotomy. There are moments when if we wait too long we lose our chance, as well as moments when if we don’t wait, we’ll never fully grasp what’s before us. It’s our work to know which is which.

And if you don’t know what to do, look within. It is there where you’ll find your answer. Fears that push sit next to those that bind; under which rest your soul’s purpose, your joy and your dreams. It’s all there. Look with broad, allowing eyes. Look under your many layers. Get clear.

As for me, as for today, I’m sitting.

Sane

 

Return to Me

Last night I sat at a vineyard. With the sun setting behind me and lavender wisteria hanging from above, I focused on one thing and one thing alone – the colors I painted onto the canvas in front of me. On the table sat my wine, neglected by me. And for three blissful hours I returned to me.

I would trade my walk for no other. I’ve come to the point where I know my purpose. I will admit, life changes when one walks with that particular knowing. I’m honored, however, that something within me is here to help heal something within others. Yet, I often forget to heal me.

I often overlook the hits that I too have taken. I downplay the void left within me, as my deepest prompting is to uplift, help and heal. And when it comes to those I love, this prompting is like breathing. It has become my default reaction. And it’s now what’s most natural to me. It took years to get here. To act less from the place of my often puny ego, and more from the place of my soul. I’m very steady within. Truth be told, I’m nurtured when nurturing others. I like this about me. It’s the beauty of my soul.

Yet there comes a time when something whispers softly, “Now let the same love you give others heal you.” And so with that, I sat patiently in a sundress on a warm evening and tried desperately to paint a steady line. I wasn’t hard on myself. I tried not to compare my work to the others. Instead, I was content with me and what my small hand could do. I got lost in me. And it was divine.

I felt my soul and mind recalibrate. Both fell back into line. None of this wiped away the many difficult moments of the last few years. It did not blot out my mother’s recent emergency room visit. It did not bring my father back, nor did it change my mother’s prognosis. It did not fill the void of the loss of my friend. It did not answer even one of the intimate questions I’ve posed to God, nor did it make up for the myriad of unfortunate circumstances that have littered my journey. My ego still questions many of those moments. My soul never does. Each one caused a recalibration within me. With each one, I developed further into who I was meant to be. Each time my ego and soul were redefined and realigned. Each one offered the opportunity for me to stand upon a new level within myself, if I chose. More often than not, even when painful to do, I chose to step up upon these new platforms. Last night, I stepped up on the platform that nurtured me.

Now, I’m going to stand here for a while. I’m going to look at who I’ve become. I’m going to look at how I’ve handled all of these many moments that have brought me here. I’m pleased that most of the time I’ve chosen to operate from a place of love and not fear. That I’ve acted out of compassion instead of anger. That I’ve allowed myself to shine through. It hasn’t all been graceful. I’ve fallen many times along the way. But then I stand, again. And once standing I step up. It takes no courage to step backward. It takes all the courage held within to move forward. So now, and for a while, I will rest. With my feet upon this newly formed, but very steady platform I’m just going to return to me.

Sane

Broken

Last night I lost someone very special to me. Tragically, he was removed from my life by his own hand. He was a friend. He was a lover. He was a confidant. He had become part of the mosaic of my life. It was on a Sunday morning, some time ago, that without monitoring his words, he looked over the water and admitted that he was excited about his future – now that I was in it. And it was on that day, dear reader, that he took possession of my heart.

When he looked within himself he saw only limitations and broken pieces. When I looked within him I saw all he dared to see. I wasn’t afraid to look under and through the rubble. And when I did, when I raked aside all that had fallen down, I watched him come alive. But it wasn’t just the new growth that kept me. For a time, he stepped beyond his beliefs and into mine. For a time I sat next to him as we built a mosaic from all that once was broken and all that was still left whole. I loved every minute we shared holding the pieces of his inner being up to the light. God brought me into his life. The beautiful force of All That Is knew I owned a steady hand, and would reach deep. The energy of life knew that I would see beauty within his vulnerability. And I did. Oh dear reader, I enjoyed watching him shine in the light. I don’t believe he ever knew he could be viewed in such a way. I don’t think he believed he could sparkle in the light. But I knew how to hold his most fragile pieces – because I too once was broken. I know how to hold the fragments of myself and not look upon them with a critical eye. I no longer see fault or failing. Instead, I see a soul that needed to break free. And when I looked upon him I saw a soul that was shedding the past, and coming alive.

I saw beauty in my friend, even when he was at his worst. The thin vase he once was, had transformed into something that no longer sat in the corner. Instead, he was becoming the very mosaic that lined the pathway of his soul. That pathway led to life and light.  He was life and light. And it shined bright. On him. On his kids. And yes dear reader, it shined upon me.

I can’t say for certain what caused him to lose his grip. The pain of his shards cutting me, cut him. That I know. We both cut the other. But we also healed the other. Where once I fell asleep to the sound of his soft words of contentment, now there will be silence.

Thank you God for bringing this beautiful soul into my life. Thank you for causing him to boldly reach out and seek me. I loved his broken pieces as well as the whole. I wish he believed in himself, and hadn’t let go.

To my friend. You will be missed.  And I never wanted to say good-bye.

Sane

Sitting in Uncertainty

 

At this present time, I can find no better words to share with you than the ones within my previous post. I have read them often.

Dear reader, please know that I will never slight you. I never hold back. Although I feel something else arriving, new words to say, right now this is my best. And the best is what I vow to always give to you. So for now, I want to pause. I want to allow these seeds to take root. And with that, may those roots hold you steadily in place.

Sane

On the Horizon

Originally posted, January 19, 2014

 

One day, I want for you, dear reader, to look back upon your life, and see that you lived the life of your dreams. Instead, many will look back and only see the life they were afraid to live.

Fear rules most of us. We fear that by living our dreams, we will upset the apple cart. We will end up in financial ruin. We will short change our children, or cause their upbringing to be flawed or failing. We will disappoint our family, friends or those we want to look favorably upon us. These are the fears that dwell deep within the hearts of many.

These fears are important indicators. Never push them aside without first looking at them for what they are. They have nothing to do with your heart or spirit, and everything to do with your ego and mind. I have an issue or two that when I look far out into the distance, my fears emerge, blocking sight of the horizon. Mistakenly, I confuse the fear for the horizon. My soul knows better. My soul reminds me that the fear is the obstacle, it merely stands in the way, blocking my view. It is only the view that I see until removed, and the horizon is allowed to reveal its beauty. I mustn’t confuse the two, and neither should you.

The horizon is constantly being beautifully created by the desires that rest upon our heart and soul; the obstacles that stand in the way are often created by the fears that rest upon our mind. Never interchange the two.

I could shape my world based on the obstacles. Or I could shape my life based upon faith in what rests beyond the obstacle. The sad thing is, many of us never remove the obstacle. Nor do we take the extra steps required of us to walk around. We make the obstacle our life. We stop and live in the obstacle. We live in our fear. In many ways, I feel such a thing is a crime against the beautiful energy that brought us here.

These fears of mine tell me both what I want out of life and what I don’t. But never should the fear be any more than that. It is a tool. It is an indicator. It is an emotional response that tells me a great deal about the rate of my spiritual expansion and the level of my emotional development. Fear is the boulder that sits dead-center on the road that leads to one’s happiness. Fear is the closed-door that sits between you and the life of your desires. Fear merely tells us that life is requiring of us action, clear intention and the desire to reach for and make joy our own.

Don’t let fear stop you from living the life that pleases you. And yes I understand that right now you may be saying a good deal of, what ifs. What if I do this or do that. What if my kids hate me for reaching for happiness. What if my friends think I’m insane. What if it doesn’t work out. To that, all I can say is: What if it does. What if you have been given this life for the one reason of creating, aligning with and feeling joy.

Sane

You’ll be Alright

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I’m in a bit of a bad way tonight, dear reader. But I’ll be okay. That’s what I’ve learned from this life of mine – I’ll always make it through – even moments so painful, they take my breath away.

Tomorrow is a new day. And with it, I have to believe new people, places and opportunities will come my way. It’s these catalysts in life that sometimes bring a person to their knees. I wish God spoke to me with soft words during moments like this. But something about the way God and I are walking this life of mine, causes that not to be. Instead, it isn’t until the pain that is within me has been released, that I hear any words of clarity, love or support.

I keep doing my best though. I have no regrets. If I do, only a few. And as I’ve been able to turn back and see the value in almost all that has come my way, I can’t even damn even the harder parts of my life. But in the moment – in that fresh moment that lives in the now – my heart breaks. Oddly enough, I wrote an award-winning blog post during a moment such as this. During another, I wrote the first, all-important, pages of my memoir. So, I guess even in the now I see that value comes out of adversity. Pain, for me, often births beauty and a fresh perspective.

I have come to terms with the me I am now. I like who I am and what I offer the world. I did not come by this easily. I earned every step. My wisdom has come from first hand schooling. I can give compassion because I own it in excess, as I learned from a beautiful source that it is magical and divine to give what you want most to receive. And grace, I carry with me always, not by choice so much; but by having to stand tall when feeling weak. I question myself often. But I don’t regret that either. I feel it is the way we keep ourselves humble, allowing, and open for expansion. I must not believe that I always have the answer, or I will forget to keep seeking out that which I do not know.

I am a kind, gentle soul. I arrived at this too by way of harder times. I make few demands of life. I’ve come to understand that living within rigid lines, limits my ability to experience the full breadth of what this Universe has to offer me. But I do demand that as long as I remain with an open heart and ear that my God finds a way to speak to me. I demand that I never allow deep into my heart someone who does not respect that sacred space for which they’ve been allowed access. And I demand that I not waste these days of mine, and when all is said and done, I leave behind a life that was lived in full.

So if, dear reader, you are experiencing a painful catalyst, know that you’ll make it through. I may not know why this situation was brought your way, but if you look with divine eyes, I bet you do. Honor this catalyst. See it for what it is. Get from it all that you feel it is taking from you. Grow. Learn. Expand. And even if you feel like you are falling apart inside, that your dreams are dashes and your disappointments overwhelming – you will be alright. It may not feel like it right now. But, you will be alright.

Sane

What Lies Ahead

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Over the last four years, from this house, I’ve written two and a half novels, three children’s chapter books, twenty-three children stories and 384 blog posts. It’ll be odd writing from any other location. Yet I’m curious about my new surroundings. More so, I’m curious to see how it’ll influence my writing.

I’m hesitant to speak on behalf of other writers, but as for me, all that’s within me and all that surrounds me enters into my writing; sometimes only the essence, at other times through example. Life always offers a bounty from which to draw. Some things good. Some things not so good. So as I sit here, my house near empty, my desk with drawers no longer filled, I wonder about this change ahead.

There are those that profess all change to be good. I don’t necessarily agree. Perhaps all change is necessary though, often on a level beyond our understanding. I have sat and watched change that upheaved my world and caused pain to those I love. On a spiritual level this may have been needed, but it wasn’t good. Sometimes change is the uprooting of emotional-mass that creates the mountain over which we’re intended to climb. Watching the uprooting, then having to climb it, are arduous tasks, both from the viewpoint of the ego and the soul. I say best not to do it while weighed down. Best not to live life weighed down.

This change for me is good. And once the labor of it is complete, I’ll embrace it in full. And to the extent that I can, I’m even trying to embrace the labor of packing and sorting. One shouldn’t be weighed down by unnecessary things. I dare say should disaster strike and mankind forced to run for the hills, I now know where my running shoes are located. In fact, I know where all my things are located. It wasn’t that way a month ago – and it should’ve been. It’s important to be streamlined. It’s important to not let one’s belongings grow to unmanageable proportions. Life easily sneaks up on us, we get busy, and clutter ensues. The same is true of our mind. The same is true of our emotional being.

So with this change I’m streamlining the all of me. And I encourage you to do the same. Whether change is before you or you are in the place you’ll be until your final day, sort through the all of you. Create order. The space you’ll create within your home, your mind and your heart will astound you. Suddenly you’ll take wider breaths, and your mind will lighten. And although it won’t remove the stress from your life, it will ease your burden by removing those things that no longer have a purpose.  I don’t believe I need twenty boxes of binder clips in assorted sizes. As I only now discovered them, I must not have needed them. I also don’t think I need photos in triplicate. Nor do I need Tupperware that has long since divorced its lid; the lid having run off long ago. More importantly, I no longer need to carry with me emotions that prevent me from stepping into my true self; doubts that muffle my true voice. I must also set aside the scars from my past, and a history that served its purpose but has a weight too heavy to bear. I can also let go of my guarded tendencies. Once dropped, my hands become free. We all need to let go if ever to embrace something new. And the truth is, that which lies ahead is often far better than that which we were reluctant to release.

If you do not hear from me, know that I am here – just busy creating a new nest, a new perch from which to view the world and write. But with a lighter load and free hands. In my brief absence I hope you will do the same.

Sane

Go Ahead, Change

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If you are content with your life as is, remain the same. If you are not, change.

As we head into the weekend I want to do so with this thought being the wind that pushes our sails: For your life to change, you must change. Even if unrecognizable to us at first, life mirrors back to us our beliefs, our deepest feelings and our actions. Sometimes we hold steadfast to the plan that once life changes we will do the same. We keep ourselves caught in the action of waiting. So life allows for us to wait.

If within your very being you are waiting for major change to fall at your feet. Then you are tapping into the source that is first waiting upon you. The energy that you are waiting upon, needs your direction. This energy of life takes many of it cues from you. It only knows to move toward you those things that match your deepest beliefs, judgements and thoughts. So change those things and the universe will do the same.

We can not believe we are un-lovable and hope to one day be loved in full. We can not believe ourselves to be poor and hope great riches will infiltrate our life. We can not experience happiness when we are not first happy from within. If you believe the life you want is impossible, then impossible it must remain. Change this belief within yourself. Know that all is possible to the extent that you believe it to be so. It takes only a second after having changed that core belief for a miracle to find its way to you. Don’t hold rigid to the how, when and where of it. Just allow it.

Do not confuse this ability with creating a lifetime bed of roses. If your journey consists of a bed of roses then there is something for you to learn there and due to such you will often find yourself resting amongst the petals. Often though, fate and our soul mission requires different circumstances to come our way, many of which are not so pleasant. But you can always control how you feel when in the trenches of these sometimes gut wrenching opportunities. You can either know that you are working through something of great spiritual significance or you can see yourself as the object of misfortune. Change how you view these things and these things will begin to change. In time you will move through them better, stronger and quicker.

So I will leave us on this note: If you do not like your life, be bold and change those things you can; starting with you. If you deeply believe yourself to be powerless, know that moments proving you true will find you. See yourself as empowered. Then take action in ways that give you evidence of this. Carve out for yourself any area in which you can reclaim your power. Do not overlook the little things. Often it is the little things that make us feel the best inside. And inside is where change must happen first. It is the key that turns the motor; it is the wind that pushes the sails; it is your place of power. So go ahead, change.

Sane