For those who’ve wondered what I mean when I speak of The Umbrella Seekers. Let me explain. The Umbrella Seekers are those who, whether meaning to or not, are always seeking a deeper meaning. They are the ones looking for the good, amidst the seemingly endless bad. They are my people. And, in many ways, I feel I am their writer.
Of course, I am not their only writer. I am but one voice. I can’t say whether we make up the majority. Appearances tell me otherwise. But I know too, appearances only capture the surface. Looking at me, you wouldn’t know that I’ve never felt quite at home here. That I’ve always been aware of the veil that rests between my awareness and the solid stuff that makes up my reality. Upon passing, you wouldn’t know that I often gaze at the moon and feel as though its my friend, far more than anyone I’ve ever known. I feel a longing for something my conscious mind can’t even grasp.
When I look at someone, I see them. Then I see what rests within them. The layers. So many layers. Things I can’t speak about. It’s not my place. Instead I wait. Until one day, when and if they choose to reveal what I witnessed so long ago. Even then, I just listen.
Umbrella Seekers are also kind. They work hard to see greater meaning in a world that reigns chaos. Like those wonderful images found in the Highlights magazine from my youth, hidden within the obvious is so much more. If only we take the time to see. That’s my spiritual journey. Sometimes I wonder what good it does me. But I can’t seem to stop looking for the umbrella nestled in the trunk of a tree or the shovel in the waves. At times, during my rougher days – like today – I ask my spiritual team why. Why any of it. Why am I here. Why do I keep looking.
It’s why I’m here. I will be honest, this doesn’t give me the level of comfort you’d think. Because the chaotic pictures never seems to end, they merely change their shape. On days like today when I feel so much exhaustion. So much frustration. When words escape me and all I can do is stare at the sky. For every inch of understanding I seem to gain, a yard of confusion is added. Dear reader, there are days when my heart feels as though it’s breaking and I don’t even know why. Do you ever feel that way? Of course you do.
If only our soul sat down with us and laid out its objective for this lifetime. The goal. And the bumpy, twisty road it has chosen to take. If only it could point at each exit and explain why it has chosen it. For what purpose the heartache serves. Then, without letting our gaze dwell too long on the horror before us, it pointed at what rests further up the road. How, if we keep going, that exit – that was so difficult – had actually possessed value. It sharpened our lens. And that sharper perspective allows us to clearly see which way to turn once we arrive at the fork in the road. And that new path, is smooth. We get to take the top down and let our arms glide in the air as we amble down the road. But we wouldn’t have been able to read the road sign, had it not been for that awful exit awhile back.
I feel quite certain most of us would appreciate this up-front approach. We may need to sit for a moment and consider it. But, looking into the eyes of our soul, and acknowledging how thoroughly it charted the journey, we’d feel encouraged. I know I would. I’d appreciate the schematics. I’d nod at the logic. Nervous, I’d stand, gather the maps, and head off.
But that isn’t how it is. Instead, we’re often driving at night, alone, relying on headlights that illuminate patches of road, not its entirety. Not only do we not know for sure whats around the corner, we can’t even clearly see that the corner exists. But, if you’re like me, you keep going. Stopping isn’t an option. Just like, it isn’t an option to notice only the surface of this chaotic world.
There are those who find comfort in quotes about how hard times define us. Truthfully, I’m not sure if any of it defines us. We define ourselves if we bother to take out a pen. In the meantime, trust your headlights, dear reader. And remember, darkness allows us to see the stars. So look up.
Sane
Written to: Brian Eno & David Byrne – One Fine Day, Taylor Kingman – Wannabe, Red Clay Strays – No One Else Like Me
Insanity 