Monthly Archives: December 2012

The Subliminal Life

So here we are – the dawn of a new year sitting within our reach – the memory of the year that still is, sitting on the precipice of being only that of a memory. It is in these pivotal moments where I feel quite at ease.

For the most part the awareness that sweeps over all during times like these, is the awareness I feel with each passing day. With every breath we create a new memory. With every blink of the eye we let go and create what is now the past. If I could, I would firmly stand in the ethereal place that rests where the notion of time is seen for what it is.

Many are pondering the year ahead, hoping for better things; some willing themselves to become the manifestation of the vision that rests in their mind. The reality is – we are the constant that lives within this illusionary state of reaching toward a time that has yet to arrive. But this gossamer reality is necessary; it allows the feeling of moving along with the cycle of life. I believe, our very soul moves through time.

Regardless of one’s belief, these moments prompt us to reflect and dream; often a personal audit is made; goals are etched into the forefront of the mind, where they are quickly washed away once the cares of everyday life rains over us.

When looking back – have no regrets. No decision was wrong. At the time, it was what was needed. Every experience is integral to one’s journey; even if we don’t understand it at the time or in this lifetime. Every flaw is a nuance misdefined. Every failure, a moment that’s purpose is not yet known.

I have to wonder – how would we behave if we didn’t have the safety blanket of a forever circulating new year in which to create the life we want most to live. If the certainty of tomorrow were to be taken away would we tell those we love how we feel without worry that they would leave us one day. Would we stretch our arms to reach for higher heights knowing that we no longer have decades to make the climb – instead, all we have is today. Would we stop placing our joy into the distance.

I feel, we should all live as if we didn’t have the option for a cycle of new years waiting for us. And then, when the new year arrived, we’d already be living as if there were no tomorrow. We’d look back knowing that with every day, we felt the air that moved through our lungs, we felt the tangibility of words spoken, and within the walls of our mind were etched the smiles given us, the songs to which we’ve dance, and the love that we gave without hesitation. To live in that type of moment, is to live in the now.

If I could, I would surround myself with those I love tonight. And as we all move into the idea of a new year, I would let my smile shine into their eyes. Without pause I would let them know how divine it is that they are with me on this journey that is the human experience. We would dance. We would laugh. We would live deep in the moment that is now.

So, as we all flip the calendar and watch the clock move in circles, signaling the future has arrived; I urge you to hold your children and tell them of your love for them, not for their accomplishments but for who they are. And if you have someone who touches your heart like no one else, perhaps the moment that is now is the moment to tell them of your tender love. Most of all, sit alone and look within. And when you do, love the person you see.

I love you, my dear readers. Please excuse me while I go now, and dance like a gypsy.


And So This Is Christmas

So here we are, Christmas Eve. I tend to observe the holidays more than anything else. I find them to be an excellent snapshot into human behavior. Not that I’m judging the behavior. More so, I find it interesting.

It is a time when so many scurry to sit in church, even though they strive to have no communion with God on a daily basis. There must be something about the ritual though that soothes them. And that is good. A good glass of wine soothes me. Whereas, I tend to commune with God daily. Some might find my method a bit odd too. I’ll give them that.

If I could stop the clock and recreate this most unique of holidays, I would rearrange a few things. I would say the thing we do with unbridled enthusiasm isn’t to give to our children more and more objects. But instead, to take our children’s hands and help them wrap presents for those in need. I would say that instead of indulging in gluttony at the dinner table, that we give such a feast to those who would never have it otherwise. And I would say that when we want to carve out a moment to sit in the presence of God that we do so not where anyone can see us. But instead, we sit in the silence of the woods or by a stream. A place where God’s voice is whispered through the trees, not by man.

It’s an odd thing watching this holiday diminish before my eyes. As a child of the seventies, it had already taken a good hit by the time I had formed my first memory.

As I sit here, my house quiet; my dog asleep; candles lighting this sacred space I call my own; I have to wonder about the way in which so many celebrate the birth of Christ. This magnificent teacher gave his life for others, and yet more often than not we use this time to give no further than those under our roof. Am I the only one that notices the irony? Does our society need yet another reason to give to ourselves? Christ gave to others. He gave his life – if I remember correctly. And in his honor, in celebration of him, the masses give to those who already have so much – for the most part, ignoring those who are most in need.

I always cringe when I know my words are like that of a wet blanket. I too love giving to those I adore. But what if when we did, out of honor for Christ who’s birthday we are celebrating, we also gave to those that Christ would have helped?

I realize these are just the ramblings of one writer, but these thoughts rest behind every moment of recognition I have regarding this holiday. There is something divine when giving to someone in need; even when what we give is only that of a gesture or act of kindness. In those moments the air is infused with love – even if only briefly. What if on this most special of days, the only gift we gave was love? Save the expensive gifts and gadgetry for another day. But in honor of the one that wanted only to teach of the importance of walking daily with love, we gave love. That, dear reader, would make for a very Merry Christmas.

So, on that note, I give you a piece of my love. Know that in each of these posts, I am considering your feelings, your struggles and your deeper truths. I value you, and feel you deserve what love I can give. I hope you feel the purity of my love, and find peace this holiday, within yourself – because once found there – its found everywhere.


John Lennon – Happy Xmas (War Is Over)


One Christmas when I was young, my mother told me we weren’t getting anything for Christmas. The explanation was that the money needed simply wasn’t there to allow for gifts. My young heart sank. I tried not to care. I didn’t want to be selfish. But I cried.

When Christmas morning arrived there were gifts piled below the tree. Oddly enough, my mother felt her words would, in the end, create a better surprise. Even before I knew of the importance of contrast, apparently it was being shown to me. Because heaven knows, the sight of those gifts filled me with ten times the joy considering I had anticipated none.

I believe regardless of one knowing of their spiritual journey, they are on one just the same. During which, life is constantly in the process of presenting magical moments in time; opportunities for our evolvement. Our thoughts in these moments have a profound impact; far more than most take the time to consider. Contrast provides the scope of our reality, our decisions provide the direction our life will take. Like a chemistry experiment wherein two fundamental elements must be present to provide the necessary catalyst – these two components, contrast and choice, should never go without our notice.

For there to be the sublime, the opposite must also exist. How could it not? Within that broad scope it is up to us to choose our direction. The mind is much like that of a machine that can conjure vile imagery or rehash painful memories. But once reconditioned, once a new rut and comfortable norm has been established, the mind will easily dwell upon something else. It is up to us to choose the rut. And life being life, it’s never at a loss to provide opportunities by which to create the new rut.

There is magic hovering in the moments within certain decisions. As if the heavens are holding their breath, awaiting our response. And with each held breath, the hope is that this time we choose to move in a better direction. Some never do. But some, sense the magic that lives in that space. We are always working hand in hand with Fate. The wheels of life can and do turn in many directions. But in that magical moment rests the opportunity to choose the direction that is based in love or prompted by fear.

It is a breathtaking feeling, when we choose from a place of love; where fear is only the contrast that indicates that which is not, and not that which is. Like a line on a thermometer, it is there to indicate what rests at the other end – and nothing more. I don’t damn the contrast. To be quite honest, I’ve blessed the contrast from my past – as painful as much of it was. Those moment forced me to establish what rests at the opposite end of that which serves me. Most all of my deepest, most beautiful desires were formed from experiencing contrast that did not serve me. It had to happen that way. How would I have known, had it not been experienced?

But now I savor the magic. Those crystalline moments in the ethereal where I know I am working hand in hand with Fate. Because those moments are gifts, opportunities for me to step further into my better self.

Life is magical, and we the magicians.


And Then Fate Shifts

I believe life is a series of choices – some decided upon in the ethereal, some in the physical. Commingled, these choices are what I call Fate. I do not feel that I play a passive position when it comes to the working’s of Fate. If anything, I believe it is a marriage of the best kind. The marriage of my soul with that of my higher self.

Throughout my life I’ve been reminded how precarious life can be. How we need to live in the moment that is now, and not in the moment that is – then. And please know the then of which I speak includes what has been as much as it includes what will be.

We are continually stepping into and through the outcome of these choices, never quite realizing it at the time. These inner workings are often invisible to us. Awareness however, has a way of taking what was once invisible and making it strikingly visible.

My parents used to live by the saying: Someday. They believed their best life was to be lived one day in the future. They never did get to that day. In my deepest being I know that as long as they professed such a thing, such a thing would exist; keeping their happiness a dangled carrot away. When I cast my mind’s eye toward my future, I shape it to my choosing. But I also work to shape my now in the same way. There are things for which I can not change. In that, I could choose to believe that I am powerless, and look outward to that point in the future called someday. But instead, my power is in my ability to control how I feel – now. I may not like what I see. But within it, I can ask for it to be a blessed moment, and one that allows me to choose to be the best version of who I am. Anyone can be their best during times of laughter and smiles. But it is in tragedy that the decision becomes palpable.

The other day a beautiful lady of eighty-six full years that made her a widow twice, and a mother of a son that ended his life, collided into my Jeep as I powered down the highway. Instead of hitting me in my driver’s side door, a blip in time allowed the impact to shift. I walked away unscathed. When she emerged from her car, devastation painted her face. In that moment I was given a choice. And in that moment I chose to be love. With that, I wrapped my arms around her. I held her hand as we talked, and waited for the police. She told me about her life; her worries about the world. And I listened.

Within every moment, we are given many choices. Often, along with the choice comes the question: Who do I want to be in this moment? It’s a choice. It’s always a choice. I’d rather not wait for some day. Within the moment of my existence that is, and will always be, now – I work to choose wisely. I have little concern for conditions, protocol and limitations that require that I refrain from living fully in the moment. Because, quite honestly, all I have is now. All we ever have is now. If you love someone, tell them now. If you have a dream, now is the time to step into it. Take the beauty that rests within you, right now, and set it free. Some day is an imaginary place. But if it does exist, it’s still too far away.


Total Darkness

There’s something about the darkness that soothes me. It always has. As a teenager I use to wonder if this meant something sinister about myself. Quite the opposite, I’ve discovered. I tend to find God in all things. And there is a layer of life, a peculiar energy, that comes to the forefront when darkness falls.

So it is for that reason that I don’t mind the approaching winter solstice. As much as I struggle from the cold, I’m not saddened that the colors surrounding me have shifted from a multitude of tones to only that of a few hues. Due to such, my eye is no longer distracted by nature in full bloom. Instead, this life-giving force, now rests under a thin blanket of snow.

Nature is made surprisingly beautiful when striking simplicity has been thrust upon it. Shapes that otherwise go unnoticed are now made visible due to the curves of snowflakes strewn across its surface. Trees no longer beg for attention, with leaves that shimmer in the sun. For a moment, the earth displays its minimalist touch.

If I were to guess, I would say that it is during this time of simplicity that nature is standing quiet – in meditation. It’s energies drawn inward. It’s thoughts no longer preoccupied by the needs of that which surrounds it.

Lately I’ve been sinking deeper into my own time of meditation. Maybe as the cycle of nature is shifting, so am I. It seems both of us need time to tap into something deeper; the light within. Within this dormancy is birthed all that is needed to propel us both forward into the new year. Like nature, I need to replenish and touch upon something deeper if I am to bring about the better part of myself.

So as I look out my expansive window and see only darkness, I smile. Because in this moment, that is exactly what I want to see.


Mumford & Sons – Lover Of The Light


Standing at the Water’s Edge

It is my belief that there are three reasons for which certain things come our way: To heal something within us; to create something anew; to experience something, large or small. Sometimes going in, we already know which of the three it is.

There is a type of love that is near fatal. I lived within that type of love once. Instantly, it was known between both that the moment had been conjured in the cosmos. Every kiss was felt on a molecular level. Few words needed uttering. But the ones that were, held a tangible quality as if pen had met parchment. And once the love was broken, fatality did ensue. As I’m writing this, you know it wasn’t me that stopped breathing. With sadness, I reflect upon the loss. But not as often as you might think. I had to let go, you see. Doing so was a must. If I was ever to love again.

I have to imagine within that love, I was meant to feel all three purposes. I experienced a love that made my soul swim. Its aftermath required of me an enormous amount of healing. From which, I created knowledge of what love can be. Although my benchmark is now quite high, it matches that of the passion that lives within me. And within my novel, I allowed that love to come to life again.

I have to wonder about having it again within the world that shapes my reality. Not the one of fiction. Due to one experience, I now know what I want. And as I set out walking this long road that is mine, I do so with an acute awareness that  I will settle for no less than a love that feels poignant, beautiful and fatal in its desire.

But such a love is vulnerable, in many ways. It takes profound strength to swim in those deep waters. Splashing in the water is fun, but when I want to swim, I want to swim deep. I can’t imagine doing otherwise.

There are many who do not feel this way. They want someone who’s sole reason is to be there. The love they want to feel is different from mine. Different journeys. Different desires. One is not better than the other. What is important is that we find a swimming partner that swims where we swim.

Looking over life, one can compartmentalized the situations that have come their way. Identifying the moments meant to heal; meant to create, and one’s sent solely so we can experience something in its fullest form. But when it comes to love, at least for me, it must contain all three.

Of course, there is no right or wrong when it comes to such a thing. The human journey is so terribly unique. Only we know what we want. And only we should decide what we want. I say search until you find it.

For me, however, I will never settle for less than a kiss that pulsates with electricity. A heartfelt glance that dances with palpable, yet invisible energy. And chemistry that swirls merely because our bodies are near. This may seem lofty to some. Unnecessary to many. But again, I will say, such a thing is divine. It’s presence lingers long after the last word is spoken. And from onset, it’s apparent that this union contains the gravitational pull of the heavens.

And if I had that once, I intend to have it again.  So here I stand, on the water’s edge.


Listening to Tegan and Sara – Closer

Let it Swirl

Have you ever sat in silence with eyes closed and envisioned leaves gathered all around. As you release your mind to days gone by, the leaves swirl; each one a different memory or place in time. That is how it feels for me, when I look back.

Time is now. So with that, memories strike me as an odd thing. They happened, but in the now that was then. I can recall them, feel them, see them and hear them as if living in the moment. Knowing all the while the moment then – is now.

This being the case, one would think we could do this for future events as well. But as of yet I haven’t been able to figure out the magic in doing so. I will. But not tonight. Of course déjà vu being the exception.

Life is magical to me. It just is. When writing, my fingers move without my mind rarely able to predict which word it will see next. My life seems to operate in much the same way as well. I don’t mind. In fact, it suites me. To some extent. There are days however, such as this morning, when I prayed for a Magic 8 Ball to be placed in my hands. One that held its power not from a plastic icosahedron held within a watery substance, but from the Universe and All That Is. Had I held one such as that, I would have shaken the life out of it, muttered my question then peeked cautiously at the answer revealed.

Although I feel answers to prayer can come in any form. I ardently feel the power behind all things is our belief. If there is one word that makes it’s way into my prayers more than any other it would be: Believe. Second would be: Peace. Oddly enough, the first word, often brings about the feeling of the second.

We are like that of an iceberg, I feel. Our mechanic human form is the tip, but beneath the water dwells our spirit. Often what is below, is left unacknowledged. But there it remains, regardless of our attention. And the part that lurks below operates on the level that we believe; fueled by thought; powered by feeling. And because its outward manifestations are often flabbergasting, it feels much like magic when witnessed. But that magic is just as commonplace as the air we breathe. Some times we take a deep breath, at other times we live with a chest held tight. But the air is accessible, regardless of what we do with it.

So the magic that lives within the palpable sensations of a memory from my youth is the magic that allows for that which rests on my heart to manifest. And that manifestation is determined by my level of belief. So when I am at a loss for words. When I am vexed. When I feel a wave of panic or frustration I simply say: Believe.

Within the magic lives many nuances. Some elate me. Some comfort me. Some perplex me. Some truly baffle me. Yet, there is no other place I would rather be, than living with the magic that swirls around me.


Individual Distinction

I have never had the desire for normalcy, not in the sense of being like the rest. This made for an odd-fitting youth. But as I aged, I realized there was nothing to be gained by being a close facsimile to someone else. We all have the ability to stand out. But few are those that move their feet away from the crowd.

I have an interview tomorrow in which I will discuss my children’s book series. More importantly, I will discuss how to raise a confident child. I wasn’t confident when young. I clawed my way toward self acceptance. Let’s just say I have strong arms now. Many of us come about it in that way, but it needn’t be. So if I can help even one child, I will.

When we stand alone, unique in our presence, our beauty, our very way of being, we tend to think we are flawed. And there will be many that will contribute to that belief, if allowed.

I could easily say: Love yourself, accept yourself, you aren’t different. But that is too simplistic and not necessarily the truth. We are all a bit different. But many do not have the courage to allow that which is within and sets us apart to shine through. Instead, we work hard to become a vanilla-bland, homogenized version of everyone else. No good can come of that. To deny oneself is the worst crime imaginable. And one that will haunt us till our final days.

Individual distinction; actors build careers from being it, writers depend upon it, artists seek it out.

Better to realize that rarely is a movie fascinating to watch, a book thrilling to read, if the lead character isn’t also unique. As a writer, we build our careers from gleaning the stand out’s from the crowd, and telling their story. My children’s books center around a girl who faces the challenges of being different. My novels parallel my own world, and we all know that I am not quite like the rest. But who should want such a thing. I don’t. I know when I buy a painting, I only do so because it is truly different in its beauty. Our eyes scan over that which is alike, but stop when viewing something unique.

We work hard to become cookie cutter humans, and yet I don’t feel that was ever our intent. If so, our finger prints would be alike. No. We are all given unique characteristics both inside and out. We either cover them up, or we let them stand on their own. The one may help to ensure less challenges and ridicule, but the latter brings the greater reward.

If I could say anything to every child out there it would be that nothing is better than standing a bit left of center. Those whom you will find there are the best of the lot. And not only is there more elbow room, the view is spectacular.


From a Different Angle

If there is any trick to life, I believe it is in the power of perception. Even if at first we do not believe it to be so, we choose how we perceive. Upon everything that we view, we form a unique perception and subsequent inner feeling. This chain reaction is more under our control than we realize.

Imagine if when young we were told that life is like a canvas; paint on it what you wish, how you wish and when. Then look upon it from many angles, shifting your eye, shifting the light. Yes, we may paint characters upon it that begin to take on a life of their own. But again, it is up to us to pick up the brush and cast a different hue upon such things or smudge gently with a rag – exposing it, coloring it, allowing us to see it in a different way.

I have a friend who revealed a few things to me. His words course through my soul, and without fail, my spirit pushes to speak. When I do my perception throws a different shadow across his canvas; one that prompts this person to take a second look.

I too had someone change my perception of something that was revealed to me; something that made me cringe once my ears registered the words. Although what was said will make little sense to you, dear reader, it made perfect sense to me. She said, “Better to know your snakes.” As odd as that may sound, instantaneously I viewed what vexed me differently. There will always be things that crawl upon our canvas and into our life. Some we place there with the best of intentions, out of naivety or haphazardly. Some make their way there all of their own accord. Either way it is for us to remember that it is our canvas, and ultimately it is us who controls what we see.

Some of the most valuable words one can hear are the ones that remind us that we have a choice as to our perception of life. We can merely observe, as if detached – always operating in a reactionary state. Or we can choose to view things in a manner that serves us. Does one allow themselves to be passively overrun by the snake, or do they stand with hoe in hand once they’ve recognized the snakes pathway? And if tossing aside the snake isn’t possible, then surely rerouting it is. Its our canvas, our life. It is so easy to forget that. Instead we get caught up in the act of solely responding. Granted not everyone would take my approach but I will say this, if I put the snake there or allowed for it to slither in, I sure as Hell have the power to see it for what it is, and remove it if I so choose.

When someone spits bitter words our way, we have the choice to absorb them as a truth or see them for what they are – someone’s inner feelings about themselves turned outward and vocalized. When life spins us in a different direction, we have the choice to collapse, or consider that this new place just happens to be the location of new beginnings. And when we view ourselves as less than, we have the choice to accept that as our new truth or see ourselves in a better light. One might perceive that only sunny skies make for a good day. Yet, often it is due to a slight overcast that we are able to see the flowers more clearly. It’s all a matter of perception. So think carefully how you are looking at things. As you may need to view from a different direction.


Letting Go

Within all of us is a moment suspended in time. Please know the time of its suspension may be that of only a month, a few years or decades. Just the same, the moment defined us. And when reflected upon, instantly pressure is formed behind the eyes – whether we choose to release the forceful tear or not.

For me, that time and that tear, has been suspended for nearly forty years. Behind every strong person, I have to believe, rests such a tear. I am quite fearless. And yet, I’ve had to look hard at why it is I have this strength. On what is it formed, and why. My power is formed due to feeling quite powerless as a child.

Every child is born pure, open and ready to become what they intended. From there, the journey begins. Life unfolds in its singular way. Specific, and designed for each individual. Mine, robbed me of all feelings of empowerment. Powerlessness has an odd way of doing that to certain people. Once the seed is planted in what is the fertile ground of youth – it grows. This, in part, is why I work to help empower kids. Doing so is in part, why I am here.

However, to move on to the next level in my life, I must view my strength and the foundation on which it was built. Vowing to never again feel the deep, ripping talons of vulnerability and dis-empowerment may sound like the perfect catalyst. And yet, I can assure you, it is not. Because behind my impervious wall, rests that tear of which I mentioned earlier. Albeit quite hidden from anyone’s knowing or view. So much so, even I had to search to find its origin.

Even within these deeper truths, as painful as they may be, rests a certain poignant beauty. Without this knowledge, this knowing of who I am and why, I would not be of any service to anyone. But it is time I let it go. Retaining the knowledge; releasing the tear. I need to swap out the pain, if ever I am to allow all-encompassing peace.

I am a fully confident, accomplished woman, and yet I live with pain that should’ve ended decades ago. Not only did I know this, but it was recently brought to my attention, that this release is a must before I advance. As my journey is about movement, I must jettison the suspended pain.  Often we only recognize that which we see. My job is to look deep; within you, and within me.

With all of my being I believe life presents us with circumstances necessary for our development. Some are pleasant, many are painful. Regardless, we are given what we need to advance. From there, it is up to us to do with it what we wish.

Right here, right now, I know that I have to step aside if ever I am to allow the larger part of myself to step in. I have to relinquish a bit of my power, to become fully empowered. This requires deep faith. But I need peace. So, I will pull myself up toward the next cliff of enlightenment, knowing that with each reach I have to further let go. Those tears from my past, the powerlessness thrust upon me early on, indeed served me well. It allowed me to see that my personal strength is great. I can stand before many. I can wrestle most any dragon presented before me. I have nothing left to prove to anyone. But now its time. I need to feel the divine power found upon letting go of my safety blanket of imperviousness. The next chapter of my life isn’t about such things. All of that is done and has been established. Now, I need to shine the spotlight onto the small child within me. Tell her that all is well. And with that bright light dear reader, should it happen to scan across what pains you, know that you are never alone. That tear that rises when no one is looking, or the one you hold back when in the company of others – let it go. Its time is done. It is like that of a textbook from your youth. Your lessons have been learned. Let it go.