Self Discovery

Halfway through my marriage it was shown to me that lies had been there from the start. With one child going through cancer treatment and another newly born, a substantial mortgage and a burgeoning business, I chose to look away. In that moment my spirit held its breath. I chose poorly that day, and the many days that followed. But I’m happy to say, the day did arrive when I chose differently. I chose full awareness.

It was a long road of discovery for me. When I looked in the mirror I did not like the woman I was made to see. I needed to walk the road I chose, however. I needed to own my misguided ways. If I hadn’t first stumbled and been made to free-fall would I be able to share the words I do today? My compassion is hard-earned. But it is a compassion that runs deep. Its honest.

I have no regrets for choosing poorly. As it was the only way I would fully understand the moment when I chose well. I confronted the lies of my life, that day. Not just those in my home but those said within me. The dominoes that fell afterward hit hard. Divorce ravaged everything I had worked so hard to retain. But the spirit has no concerns for the commodities of life. I feared being without. And I let it rule my days. When I chose to own the lies, I found the truth. Even though to many it appeared as though I had lost everything back then. What I lost was my cloak. What I found was my awareness.

Some wonder about the private life I now lead. It is true, I keep my circle small. And during the time I shared my life with my beloved friend, who is now gone, there were those that questioned him being right for me. Those closest to me saw what others failed to see. He didn’t lie. When it came to integrity we were perfectly aligned. This simple truth made up for a myriad of messy situations. We were honest even when it came to our failings, our fears and those things with which we were misguided. All things that most keep cloaked, we owned through honesty. To me truth is love and love is what aligns us with All That Is. My partner and I were connected on a soul level, and most likely will always be. The same is true with those closest to me. Our lives are linked together by way of love and uncloaked honesty. These things bring me a contentment I never had before. I will never settle for less again.

Lies are like weeds. For some of us clearing out one’s garden is a long, hard road to hoe. But its a must. Weeds choke the very thing we want to grow. And as hurtful as are the lies said by another, no lie is more damaging than the ones we whisper inside. I lied to myself for many years. The lies were masked in excuse-filled reasoning and self-doubt. My eyes opened when I hit bottom. I was a financially wealthy woman when that day came. But my heart was discontent and my soul was poor. Facts that required awareness for me to see.

Lies still enter my life. Maybe it’s the Universe’s way of making sure I’m tending to my garden. It is my job to pluck and pull and make way for the planting of positive seeds. I show my kids to do the same. It seems to me that this is how life goes. I had to move through many lies before I knew this truth. And that’s okay. Look into the mirror, dear reader, if like me, you see weeds that cloak and hide, have no fear. If you are seeing these things, then you have become aware; a sign that your soul has expanded. God will never bring something into your awareness before you are ready. So with that, dear reader, its time to weed.

Sane

 

Center Stage

I’ve been let down many times in my life, but never more than by myself. We are always our worst enemy. I’ve been given every opportunity to imagine, create and live the life of my dreams, only to hold myself down in the end. Part of my journey is learning to identify those tethers and release them.

We all have tethers. We all have wounds, scars and fears. Unless healed, these tethers hold us within a stinted life. It is said in the Bible that the kingdom of Heaven rests within us. Nothing about Heaven is stinted. Heaven is life, fully expressed. Those wounds should give us invaluable information about ourselves, but never should they hold us down. Never should they prevent us from living in full.

Often I’ve chosen to view my life through a skewed lens. I let outside factors determine my inward growth. Or worse yet, prevent growth at all. God, this beautiful source energy, is a feeling. You will know you are aligned when you feel it. Alignment feels good. Misalignment feels bad.

Time and time again it has been revealed to me that I’ve failed to show up in my own life. I’ve failed to be present. I’ve let everything outside of me control the whole of me and it has felt dreadful. Time again I’m reminded that my sole reason for being is not to show up for my children or anyone outside of myself. They have their own lives in which they are cast as the lead. I have one life and I’m the one required to be present within it. I’m the one meant to stand center stage. Once I do, then I’m giving my best to all those with whom I come in contact. I’ve been given this unknown amount of moments; the duty is mine to savor them. The duty is mine to stand in the center.

I could blame numerous outside factors for the woes that have entered my life. Yet I know those factors come and go – the one constant is me. Not surprising to God as God knows I’m the star of my own show. As I stand under the spotlight it is up to me how I react and what I do with each moment given me. Sometimes this means allowing myself to be present within the pain as much as during moments of joy. I must move through them and they must move through me. What I do from there is a choice reserved for me. The choices I make turn the wheel of my life. All of it is part of the process. When I blot out my awareness due to the poignancy of the hurt then I am choosing once again to fall stagnant, to sink in the pond of despair. It is a pond of my own making. And sinking was my choice. After wallowing I could choose to get out. In every moment we are given the chance to start over, to choose again and to choose differently. I won’t damn the times I’ve chosen to sink in hopelessness as I’ve often learned important lessons about myself while going under. It takes enormous courage to feel one’s pain. But it is the only way to heal. And healing leads to growth and growth is inherent to living an authentic life; one in which we show up for ourselves.

It takes strength to release the lens of fear and reach for another. But I’m pleased to say that over the course of my many years I’ve routinely grabbed a better lens through which to view my life and me. I try to use the lens most closely aligned with All That Is. When I do I’m showing up for myself. And by showing up for me, I show up for my children and those I love.  Please show up  in your life, dear reader. Do not rush to an end point because once you do you will look back and see that the one who let you down was you. The Universe gave you the life, it is up to you how you live it. Show up for it. Peace is found when standing in the center of your stage. It’s where you were meant to be.

Sane

More Than You Know

It is a hard thing for me, at times, to admit to my own beauty. It is far easier for me to admit to the beauty I own on the inside than the beauty I own on the out. My beloved used to share words about what he thought of my outward beauty. I often wondered if I could ever appear as beautiful as he seemed to believe me to be. I do feel, however, that one’s inner beauty shines through. I’d like to think that is what he saw in me.

I think this is true for everyone, though. And it is why I work so hard to remind others to look at themselves fondly. To see within themselves their self-worth. To look at all their intricacies and even struggles as something of value, as it all adds up. In the end, every bit and piece creates the whole. If we view ourselves with a forgiving, understanding eye, our perception changes. We then see beauty even in our frailty. I hope when someone looks deep within my hazel eyes they see more than just flints of gold and green and amber. I hope they see that I am a kind soul. And when I smile, I hope others feel the warmth as it is never a smile given in vain.

But it is up to us to decide our beauty. Likewise it is up to us to decide our worth. This great exploration of the soul, this journey that each of us is on, is about making choices. I say make the choice that feeds the soul. And your soul, dear reader, can be no less worthy, nor can it be no less divine than the source from which it came. So let your soul shine through.

When I look at others I tend to see their many layers; the layer of the psyche, the layer of the emotional system; the layers of their past and yes, the layer of the soul – often resting far behind. But the soul does not need to be hidden. True, it is your most intimate being but it is also your strongest. Your soul is stronger than you know.

So as you look at yourself today, do so with a kind eye. If you see a tired face, realize your life is in transition. Where you think you’re fighting against the world or circumstances beyond your control, step back and be sure you’re not fighting against Fate and your soul. If you see eyes that are void of life, then choose to gaze upon those things that delight you. Most of all see your worth. Look inward and look deep. Look inward at all that you have done. Maybe you see only your shortcomings and failures. Look deeper. Today is a new day. Today you get to choose again. Life is helping you identify those things you want in your life. Choose well. Choose as if God were choosing for you.

And please remember, dear reader, that life mirrors our perception of ourselves. So, see how amazing you have been and can be. See all that you have overcome. It all took strength. See your courage. There is beauty in all of that. It is what I see when I look upon myself. And I do hope it is what shines through when others see me.

Sane

Take Flight

What if the sole reason we are born into these bodies and living out these years is to discover who we want to be; not who others think we are; not who we think we ought to be; but to truly discover our authentic self. Personally, I feel this to be true. We are on a grand adventure of the soul. We tend to think our mind is the pilot leading the exploration. When not aligned, our beliefs so easily get turned around. Whereas the soul knows to simply live and be and experience the moment, the mind, if unaligned, can micro analyze the last drop of joy out of even the most divinely sent of occasions.

The mind is the vehicle. It can imagine, contemplate, dream and remember. And when used in this form the mind becomes the tool of the soul. In those moments one is doing the work of the soul – just as we are meant. Even some of the worst moments though, are brought about so the soul can reveal what its meant to experience. Often those moments are necessary shifts meant to spotlight something we weren’t willing to see. Those dreadful shifts are vital as they are intended to awaken us, and send us back in the direction of our joy.

Joy is one of the faces of God, in my opinion, as is love. Those shifts are meant to steer us back in the direction of living from the place of our authentic self. Our authentic self lives through the soul. Each soul is connected. Each soul is but one of the many threads in the expansive tapestry that is God. This is my belief. It is a belief that gives purpose to all this madness. It is a belief that feels right, and softens the hard words of my mind and the world around me. It is a belief that emerges from the seat of my soul.

I’ve struggled with depression on a perpetual basis for most of my life. I could say that depression is useless. I could also say that fear is without purpose. But my soul reminds me that fear is there to spotlight areas where we need to make a change. Fear is never to shape our life. It is there to show us something that is not in alignment with our authentic self. Fear shows us the blockages that hinder the soul’s flight back to joy. We need to discover these things if ever we are to clear the path and allow the soul to reconnect. And depression, the kind I know, is when the mind is busy suffocating the soul. Those moments of hopelessness show me that I’ve forfeited my freedom.

There is nothing more difficult than trying to breathe while held down by depression. I know the feeling of one’s lungs filling with despair. Soon, the face holds no signs of joy. The eyes are void of light. In those moments my mind has me held captive. I hit bottom. But the soul is strong, dear reader. The soul knows how to inhale even when stifled. If you are underwater, take note of why you are there. Take note of what freedoms you have convinced yourself you must relinquish. If you are like me, then there is a good chance those very things you feel are not allowed to you, the life you want to live but feel you can’t, are being shown to you – because they are meant for you.

Pull your arms upward. Shift your focus. Take note of what you’ve been shown and then move in that direction. If you do, you will emerge. Your lungs will inhale deep and joy will once again fall upon you. All of this is the exploration. All of it. Just remember the bigger the shift that is required, often the deeper the plunge into darkness and more cutting are the fears. Use these moments to see what you are meant to see. It is in these dark moments that you are being shown something crucial. Then, when the time is right, crawl into the cockpit. It’s your plane, take flight. I guarantee you that you will feel better once you do. Those emotions of yours are your compass. Love and joy are true North. Your soul was meant to fly, dear reader.  Use those darker moments to discover where you’re meant to go and who you are meant to be.

Sane

Being Good to Me

Corrupt verb \kə-ˈrəpt\ : to cause (someone or something) to become dishonest, immoral, etc. : to change (something) so that it is less pure or valuable.

It was shown to me, during a very dark period in my life that the best thing I can do for my children is to be good to me. This stood in contrast to all I had ever known. But as this message came by way of divine intervention, I chose to trust instead of question. And from that moment a large part of my life’s purpose was defined.

You see, for quite a long time, I had been operating under the belief that my job on earth was to raise my children. I did not value myself, so much. Instead, I valued them far more than I valued me. It sounds noble. It sounds like the perfect act of love. But for those who believe in God the father, it’s a skewed premise. If God is the father, then all of us are his children. All of us are of value. My life was not one meant to be of service to my children. If anything, I was doing my children a disservice by not placing more value on me.

Children learn by way of example. So love me. By watching, and by falling under the shadow of a life well-lived, children know to do the same. These were the words given to me. I listened. It is the same guidance I now give others. To God, we are all of value. We are the embodiment of beauty. But it is for us to seek out and find joy. Joy is a singular, personal thing. Our children learn to seek by first watching our search. So seek I did. And seek I do.

It was revealed to me that up until then I was showing my children a slow suicide of sorts. My smile did not emerge from internal joy. It was done out of duty to my children. But children feel the energy that we work to hide. Wherein I thought the large home filled with all they had asked was a testament to my parental dedication, it was shown to me that I hadn’t even started parenting yet. I’m thankful for the depths of my depression, back then. I broke open. And when I did I got real with God and God got real with me. The best thing you can do for your children is to live and live well. It is not selfish. It is by watching you love your life that they will one day do the same.

It is much like the necessity of placing the oxygen mask on one’s self so that they are able to help others do the same. God did not place you here out of hopes that you would sacrifice the divine thing that is you. Put your oxygen mask on. The universe is waiting for you to inhale, dear reader. Breathe deep.

On a recent car ride my son broke the silence by talking about his hopes in a bride one day. I sat quiet. I allowed him the ease of speaking without my interrupted words. He then said, “I hope to find a woman who has a mind much like your ’s mom. It seems like no matter what life has thrown at you, it’s never corrupted you.” My heart swelled. Tears filled my eyes. It seems I’ve done something right. Oh yes, life has thrown a good deal my way. But I don’t hide life. And no longer do I deny my own joy. There is no trophy awarded us as parents. If ever there were, I would graciously decline. The only things I want sitting on my shelf are pictures; not just of them, but also of me. I want to see that I raised us all to live well. Each of us is here to experience a joy that is singular to us, defined by us. Go find your joy, dear reader. By doing so, you are parenting. You are showing those that are watching that they can do the same. Trust me.

To all those that are raising others.

Sane