Monthly Archives: October 2013

You’ll be Alright

I’m in a bit of a bad way tonight, dear reader. But I’ll be okay. That’s what I’ve learned from this life of mine – I’ll always make it through – even moments so painful, they take my breath away.

Tomorrow is a new day. And with it, I have to believe new people, places and opportunities will come my way. It’s these catalysts in life that sometimes bring a person to their knees. I wish God spoke to me with soft words during moments like this. But something about the way God and I are walking this life of mine, causes that not to be. Instead, it isn’t until the pain that is within me has been released, that I hear any words of clarity, love or support.

I keep doing my best though. I have no regrets. If I do, only a few. And as I’ve been able to turn back and see the value in almost all that has come my way, I can’t even damn even the harder parts of my life. But in the moment – in that fresh moment that lives in the now – my heart breaks. Oddly enough, I wrote an award-winning blog post during a moment such as this. During another, I wrote the first, all-important, pages of my memoir. So, I guess even in the now I see that value comes out of adversity. Pain, for me, often births beauty and a fresh perspective.

I have come to terms with the me I am now. I like who I am and what I offer the world. I did not come by this easily. I earned every step. My wisdom has come from first hand schooling. I can give compassion because I own it in excess, as I learned from a beautiful source that it is magical and divine to give what you want most to receive. And grace, I carry with me always, not by choice so much; but by having to stand tall when feeling weak. I question myself often. But I don’t regret that either. I feel it is the way we keep ourselves humble, allowing, and open for expansion. I must not believe that I always have the answer, or I will forget to keep seeking out that which I do not know.

I am a kind, gentle soul. I arrived at this too by way of harder times. I make few demands of life. I’ve come to understand that living within rigid lines, limits my ability to experience the full breadth of what this Universe has to offer me. But I do demand that as long as I remain with an open heart and ear that my God finds a way to speak to me. I demand that I never allow deep into my heart someone who does not respect that sacred space for which they’ve been allowed access. And I demand that I not waste these days of mine, and when all is said and done, I leave behind a life that was lived in full.

So if, dear reader, you are experiencing a painful catalyst, know that you’ll make it through. I may not know why this situation was brought your way, but if you look with divine eyes, I bet you do. Honor this catalyst. See it for what it is. Get from it all that you feel it is taking from you. Grow. Learn. Expand. And even if you feel like you are falling apart inside, that your dreams are dashes and your disappointments overwhelming – you will be alright. It may not feel like it right now. But, you will be alright.

Sane

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I Give Up

“I give up. I’ve given you all I have. Go for it. Show me what you’ve got. You know my heart. You know my soul. And, God, you know my dreams. I’ve believed. I’ve stepped out on the thin precipice, and even though scared and doubting of my own strength, I stretched my arms wide. I’ve done all I can do. Now, its your turn.”

There are times in my life, many in fact, when these words are the private dialogue held between me and my God. You may question if it can be defined as dialogue as the only words you hear are those of my own. Yet, I need to tell you, it is when you stop demanding the method by which God speaks, that you hear what it needs to say. The dialogue will be there. Know it. Stand tall in your faith.

If you are frustrated, and wondering if God hears you, give up your preconceived notions. Give up what you have been taught since you were young. Give up everything you thought God should be, and allow in all that is not yet known to you. That, my dear reader, is how one opens the gate and allows God to fully spread its wings within your life.  From there, let God fly. And when you are strong enough, fly too.

When you think God only comes by way of a hymnal verse, or an image brought to mind during mediation, you are hindering God. Indeed those may be methods, but let this omnipotent force enter your  life in whatever way it sees fit. And if your God is anything like mine, it will do so with a bit of clever fun. Yes, while seated beside someone quite dear to me in a Catholic church the words I needed to hear were uttered. God is everywhere. In all things. Allow it to be just that. If what you want to know does not come to you during prayer, as you feel it should. It may just be that you are closing the door, instead of opening it wide. Throw the lock away, and never shut the gate.

There are times when my fervent prayers leave me to wonder where this God of mine is. Then I sit back. I sigh, and remember that God will show itself once I drop the method and timeframe by which I feel it needs to be seen. Oh such a discovery is liberating. It’s also one that dramatically bridges the gap we, due to our own beliefs, excavate between us and God. There need be no separation. Let it enter in. Even your worst enemy, unbeknownst to them, can say the words of confirmation you most need to hear. So let it. Let it in. Let it in.

If you are like me, you walk the walk. Your soul is held in balance with that of your mind. You’ve done the work. So with that, you get to say with reverence, “Okay, I give up. Let’s see what you can do. I give up all the restraints that have held you at bay. I understand that now. Show me what you’ve got.” Then sit back. Have faith. And drop your blinders. You may be surprised by what you will see.

Sane

Come A Little Closer

Although I believe we move through many lifetimes, such a thing does us little good in the now that we recognize with our mind. So with that, step into the life you have. Try to stop being so fearful. And if you are fearful, ask yourself why.

From the soul’s perspective, it is true, we have many lifetimes with which to fulfill the purpose of the soul. But never should we fail to savor the life we’re currently in. It is the only one the mind you have will ever know. Yes your soul and even the memory in your cells retain it all. But not the mind. The mind is here to experience anew. For it to have a fresh perspective it must.

So, my friend, this is it. Will fear or desire determine your days. There is a desire on your heart. Get closer to that desire. Define it. Shape it. Make it your own. What are you waiting for?

As for fear, never run from it. With that too, I say  get a little closer. Examine that which makes you pull away and those things that keep you up at night. You can never overcome that which you do not know. You can never move forward if you do not first look at what has you bound. Some fears show us areas within our life where we need to do some work. Fear, as terrible as it feels, shines the light on the knot we are meant to untie. It need not be a noose around your neck. Keep working at it, it will loosen. Some fears seem far beyond our control. No untangling will set us free. Or so it seems. I don’t believe that’s so. Go deeper. Go higher. Get closer to your soul, and the energy it contains. Ask for assistance. And if it seems as though things aren’t instantly changing, don’t lose faith. Realize that there are things underway not within your sight range. But also, sometimes that rough road is the path your soul knows it must walk. Travel it with faith. Almost always the answers we seek can be found if we take the time to get a little closer. Try not to pull away from who you are and why you are here. And oh dear friend, do not pull away from your desires. Those desires, and the stirring they cause within you, are the fuel needed to walk the road of your journey – whether your steps are on paved roads or one riddled with debris.

If there is someone who fills your being with joy, hold their hand, and don’t let go. Don’t fear the worst. Expect the best. If there is a passion hidden deep within you that brings a smile to your face during even the worst of times, dive into it. Have no fear. You will not drown. Know that you were made to swim under the deep waters of your passion. Never dismiss what stirs you – turn your focus toward it – it is your fuel; it is what propels you while on this journey of yours.

This world is a stage on which both the good and the bad play out. One person’s good, is often one person’s bad. The dichotomy must exist. Within you there is also such a dichotomy. Discover what fills you with joy, strength and hope – and what fills you with sadness. You have this one life, so get a little closer.

Sane

Getting There

It feels like its been awhile since we last spoke; my words mixed with your voice. Please know the absence was felt by me. And like the tug felt to return to one’s beloved shortly after having said goodbye, I’ve felt a similar tug to turn from my other duties, and spend time with you.

I’ve recently finished writing my memoir. And as my fingers glided across the keyboard my mind glided through the years. Once again I relived decades of cyclical moments brought my way for the sole intent of causing my soul to expand. At times, I made that leap. I broke the bonds that kept me held tight within a belief system that no longer served me. I cried a bit while writing certain passages. I remember with detail the pain certain experiences caused me. Then I smiled, knowing often the pain felt was due to the breaking down of old walls; the thicker and more entrenched the walls, the deeper the pain.

I can’t speak for anyone except me. But my growth has almost always come by way of a painful break from the old, before expanding into the new. It is my hope that I never stop expanding, however. I never want to be the flower that grows only so high then dies. No. I want to be the tree that rides through the cyclical seasons. And at some point I become the version of myself that no longer holds tight to those things that no longer serve me. Instead, I drop the leaves, and allow myself to start all over again. Faith says to let go and believe. Fear says to hold tight. I do not feel shame for the person I was; the person that bounced between fear and faith. At each stage I was the version I needed to be to experience what I needed to experience with that particular lens of perception. Every stage was and is needed.

Looking back I can see why, at times, I had let fear rule me. When we open our mind, heart and soul to expansion – it means stepping into a version of ourselves that rests just beyond our conception. That is where the soul wants most to go and yet the psyche holds tight to – what is. Because it knows – what is, and nothing more. There is no shame in that. It is human. Somewhere along the line, I let go. And I’ve been letting go ever since.

I don’t want to be the seed that lies dormant in the ground for fear of what rests above the surface; beyond what my eyes can see. Growth requires faith. And upon my last day I hope to look back and smile; knowing I had God Faith; the kind that is displayed freely by all things not hindered by the psyche. I want to have relied upon the same energy used by the oak seed that knew only to go beyond where its gone before – to grow; to reach upward; to drop its leaves when the time was right; and feel no remorse in starting anew. Its only those outward things that are new, the core stays the same.

Please forgive me for being gone. I’ve just been busy dropping leaves, and writing about what I see scattered on the ground. It is good. And please know, within you rests the same unstoppable force that rests within the seed – just drop your leaves, and believe.

Sane

Societal Slowdown

SocietalSlowdown

There is nothing weaker than a house divided against itself. With that said, I find it odd that some within our government rail against certain actions, as they fear our nation may appear weak. Then those same people who express such a concern, take action that further divides our nation. Please keep in mind that dividing our nation seems to be what we’ve been doing since forming this nation; tragedy being the only thing that has bridged that divide.

When I was a young girl, sitting next to my grandmother at the county fair, I used to watch the demolition derby with an un-blinking eye. And when a woman driver was announced, I smiled. Not because I thought she was better than the others, but because I too would’ve loved to have been out racing. As I watched the other cars hunt her down, pummel her car, and thereby eliminate her from the race – my smile faded. I didn’t mind that she had been taken out. That was the point of the derby. I lost my smile when I watched them seek her out, before all others due to gender. Although young, I was enraged. Something within me triggered. I asked my father why they had done such a thing. He wobbled his head while searching for an adequate reply. Then he finally blurted: because she was a girl.

I stewed on his words for a while, then argued, “But why? It’s not like her car is any different? It’s not like she’s driving with her breasts!”

My father couldn’t argue. To this day I still struggle a bit with the intolerance of others. One could say I have a hard time tolerating their intolerance. But its more than that, really. I see such behavior as one of the most toxic crimes against humanity and our society. How can we survive as a whole if we do not value the whole equally. I don’t believe we can. Instead we need to preserve the rights of the individual, who is a part of a greater whole. Often this means compromise.

The need for power comes from having a deeply rooted feeling of insecurity within ourselves. It manifests in a plethora of ways. Whether through the power of using personal associations, using one’s children, using money, using one’s strength or one’s gender. Anytime we believe we are better than another it simply means we fear being seen as less than. This is only my belief of course. Your internal compass will either cause you to pull toward this belief, or because we are so the opposite, you will be repelled.

I feel one of the major reasons we are on this planet, doing this thing called living – is so that we develop and learn how to live together. I can’t say we are doing all that outstanding of a job of it. And I will admit, at times I am challenged considerably in successfully doing it, myself.  But I am not challenged when it comes to what I know. And I know that a woman can be strong, yet retain her delicate beauty. So too, a man can be strong, yet retain his compassion and understanding. And as a people, we can be individuals while ensuring a healthy whole.

Today, just as when I was young, when I hear someone make a disparaging comment based solely upon gender, race, sexuality, different opinions, economic status, or lifestyle choice – I am triggered. As with many topics, we reveal the stage of our spiritual development when commenting on such subjects. So the next time you speak, be careful in how you comment. Take note of what you are revealing – not about them, but about you.

Sane