Monthly Archives: November 2013

Beautiful To Me

There are times when I look at others and wish I could be more like them. Sometimes their cut and dried approach to life seems so easy. A life with hard lines; a right side and a wrong. But my life has few hard lines. If anything, its more like an abstract painting. I have many shades, and many emotions. It took years for me to accept this about myself. It is from this place that I love and write and view the world. And although it may seem like madness to others, it is beautiful to me.

There is a reason we all view and process and absorb the world as we do. Our soul is using our specific psyche, with our singular life experiences by which to carry out its journey. If we were to think like someone other than ourselves, then we would cease to be our – self. But we are unique. Never forfeit that part of yourself, even when it seems as if you are a jumbled mess.

Right now I am going through something that has me turning on end. And that’s okay. I sit and wonder why it is I’m seeing all that I do within the situation. I see life as possessing layers. I always have. I see our immediate emotion, and then the emotion that prompted it. It is the soul and cerebral lens through which I view the world around me. At times it feels like a gift from above. At other times it feels like a curse. Generally, I glide in between. But no longer do I ignore the extremes, either. When on high I see things I wouldn’t see otherwise, and the same is true when down upon my knees, or in this case, turned on end. There are times when only during those quiet moments I am able to fully see within myself and understand my motivations. Today, I noticed something within me I did not like so much. Not hideous. But not great. And even if by doing so it doesn’t save the situation, I took ownership of this part of myself. And, will work to un-wedge this brick of my being and replace it with a healthier one; one not cracked with fear.

But these pieces, those that are cracked and those that are made of gold are still what makes me – me. I stand upon the broken parts of myself as well as the solid, and from on top both I view this world. And by knowing these aspects of myself, by having gotten down and examined them, and continuing to exam them, I expand. I hope that expansion helps to heal others. I hope by sharing even my worst of moments, I have prompted you, dear reader, to look confidently within yourself. Don’t be afraid of what you see. You may not like it. But you can not fix what you do not take the time to notice. Look upon others, learn from others; let those things you admire add to your expansion. But I caution you against looking negatively upon yourself in the process. If you are like me, you are not perfect. That’s okay. I decided long ago that perfection is overrated and the attainment of such is just another form of hell on earth. Be the best you can be. And that is beautiful to me.


It Will Stop Spinning

Once It's All Settled

And then it happens. Something comes along that flicks your compass dial, and leaves you spinning. Give it time. Don’t panic. Your dial will slow itself. And in time it will, once again, point toward True North.

In moments such as these, try not to fight the spin. Instead, hold your feet steady; give yourself a moment. Hang on. You’ll be alright. It happens to all of us. And don’t be surprised if, once your dial has come to a stop, you admit to yourself that you’ve made a mistake. But let go of society’s definition of a mistake. Do not damn yourself.  Mistakes have their place. Look at it. Look at what you did and why. Look at the steps that brought you here. Look at the impact it had on you. And once you are steady again, decide what you are going to do about it. Your power to shape your future is in that moment. Don’t let it escape. Grab it. Hold it. Make it your own. Then, and only then, go forward.

The world will not come to an end upon admitting such a truth as having made a mistake. The world comes to an end when we choose to define a mistake as being the end. It’s not. It was merely a moment in time. We are all human. Some moments are easier and smoother than others. Some of my worst moments in life have propelled me the farthest forward. You are not a failure. You are never a failure. You are only that which you believe yourself to be. So believe kindly, and with thoughtfulness.

I’ve managed to trip my way down the road of life as often as I’ve walked with long, steady strides. Each movement had purpose – those that were graceful and those that were not. There were times when I was meant to spin. There were times when I was reluctant to change, so change happened to me via a big spin. And then there were times when I walked headfirst into the very thing that caused me to spin.

Let’s go easy on ourselves. Let us not forget that we are doing our best. Let us not forget to stop and remember that our personal happiness matters. Define your happiness with words of your own choosing. It is a definition meant for you to create. Like a fingerprint, it belongs only to you. But never devalue it. Never overlook the importance of holding close those things that make you smile. As frivolous as it may seem upon first glance, happiness is your True North. Go in that direction. Never dismiss it. Never pull against it. Never forfeit it.

So as I end this night, I want to remind us all that its okay to make a mistake. Mistakes are not what they seem. They are there, they are the pebbles on the road that cause us to stop. Sometimes they cause us to spin. But that’s okay. Life will calm down. And once it does, look around. Take stock of what is around you. Now pull close that which makes you happy.


Breaking Free

Audrey Hepburn Photographer Bob Willoughby

Audrey Hepburn
Photographer Bob Willoughby

There are days when I awake with a sense of uncertainty. In those moments I want only to strangle the fear that managed to walk with cold steps into my being during the night. Lately I’ve felt pushed a bit further than I am comfortable. I have been pushed to the point of breaking. I could say that I’ve been pushed too far, yet I know such a place, does not exist. We are limitless beings. I am only fearful because of the unknown. I am uncertain only because I don’t yet know if I possess what will be needed.

But I am meant to enter this place with a sense of unknowing. If I entered it already knowing, then there would be no need for me to be brought here. Instead, I’m being pushed further into my expansion. And although some days my movements appear to be only that of moving backward, I understand that expansion requires both. My perception of the soul and the being that is me and you and all of us is one that requires flux. It must move in all directions. It must be able to dip back into our past and outward into what is to become. Expansion requires flexibility.

But in these moments when I feel as though I am breaking. When I want to strangle my fear into submission and whisper to it the words of self-doubt, insecurity and uncertainty – in essence, do to it what it does to me – I realize that this vortex of emotion that currently consumes me is merely part of the process of stepping into a more authentic, connected version of myself. The times when the vortex swirls with uncertainty the worst are the times when it is the thickest, most hardened parts of myself breaking down. Knowing this, and viewing the process of the soul as I do, one would think then that I am always comforted, confident and sure. I wish I could say that were the case. It isn’t.

After I release myself from the fetal position, the awareness that I have developed through my lifetime, does remind me of this knowing. And after I sit awhile and breathe these truths, I remember that I’m okay. This feeling that’s consuming me is just the clamor and crash of the limited walls within myself being brought down. I don’t want those walls. I don’t want to be limited by inflexibility. And yet, the removal of such walls is always accompanied by the same overwhelming vortex of piercing emotion.

I am entering into yet another phase of my soul’s development, and its understanding of mankind. I’m also entering into a place of many unknowns within my personal world. So I will say to you, and I will say to me: this place – whether it be in our outward world or our inward world – only feels daunting because it is not yet known to us. In time, it will become the new, solid plateau on which we stand and view the world. Do not expect yourself to be the master of territory when you haven’t yet stepped foot upon this new land, none alone make it your home. Give yourself time. Know that you are moving in this new direction because your soul, your inner being, the part of you that is connected to All That Is, feels it is where you need to be. You are there for a reason. There is a purpose. And to enter it you must first break free. Not knowing causes you to fear and fear causes you to doubt. Don’t doubt.

These are the words I will take with me today, because I need to hear them.  I ask that you please take them with you.


Upon Examination


And so there comes a time when we must stop. We must cease our movements and look down. It’s important that we give ourself a moment to take stock of who we’ve become. No doubt, my life is an examined one. But everyone should give pause. Everyone should examine their steps, their actions, and their motivations.

Who are you? Why are you here? Surely you are not here solely to wake each morning, fulfill certain assigned physical tasks, sleep, then hit repeat. Is there not a soul within you that is your undercurrent? They say many have drowned due to not understanding the power of the undercurrent. It is my belief that a similar unseen force rests within each of us. It is the force that remains in full connection with all that is.

Its time. Its time to stand and look around. I ask that you look back. I ask that you look forward. But also, dear reader, look inward. If you wish, tell no one of what you see. It is your private space, allow in only those that you want given access. This space is yours. It is for you to discover and understand those things you find lining the shelves of your soul.

Pick up the broken pieces of yourself that you may find there. I ask that you resist the urge to throw these pieces away. Instead, look at them. Hold them up into the light and notice the path that brought you to that moment of breaking. Smile and know that you walked that arduous road. And even with an inner being that has broken down, time and time again, here you are, in tact. You may not feel whole, not yet. But you will.

I’ve chosen to not throw away anything that I have found within myself. I could. I could tell myself that if I jettison my misshapen pieces I will become lighter, better. But its not so. I would only be taking from the whole of who I am. Instead, I have chosen to recycle all that I have found within me. I do not let my past rule me. Nor do I let all that I have been, define all that I’ll become. No. I take these pieces and have created a mosaic that lines the walls of my soul. By examining the whole of who I am, I have come to understand why it is I am here. I know my work. I know who I am and what motivates me. I know this only by way of stopping and looking down. By taking note of where I am and how I got here. Then I look within. I examine those thing within me, the selfish and the petty, the selfless and the loving. I do not damn what I see. But I do understand what I see. I adjust. I learn. I redefine who I am as I go along.

Upon starting this week, stand for a bit. Look inward. Teach your children to do the same. Your soul is waiting for your examination. It is waiting for your eyes to look softly upon it and discover its purpose. Its waiting. Go inward, and discover you.


Return to Sender


As many of you know, I haven’t felt well lately. I’ve been carrying a weight upon my heart that shouldn’t be there. And although I’m not to blame for its existence, I am to blame for allowing it to make my heart it’s home.

It was a hard decision. But I have decided to let this pain go. I have to give it back to the one who handed it to me. I’ve been given ample opportunity to do so. I back away each time. And as my life is a series of cyclical moments given to me for the purpose of my soul’s expansion, I must let it go if I am to move on.

Lately, I can’t even see the future. Pain has a way of doing that. It can blind us. It can tether us to one spot and suspend us in time. I want only to get lost in the moments that feel good, and turn a blind eye to the hurts of life, at times. The child in me has wanted to blanket this pain with something more pleasing. The problem is, once the pleasing thing is removed, the pain re-emerges and tightens the tether and clouds the future, once again.

It takes courage to do so many things in life. I’d rather step in front of a bullet than watch it sink deep into the heart of those closest to me. But sometimes, the one that fires the shot is the one closest to me. Life is funny that way. Life is always a two-sided coin. Pain lives hand in hand with some of the grandest ecstasies of life. And although no one was there to protect me, I’m the one that is holding on to the bullet. I’ve waited for it to be removed. No hand has come my way. Not the hand I needed to see. So now, with the use of my own loving hand, I will give it back. Not out of anger. Not out of bitterness. But I know me. If I do not remove this, it will cause a shift that will change the future.

Oh yes, life requires of us great courage. Sometimes that courage is to stop and not pull the trigger. To realize that there is another way; that love requires of us to find the other way, so we set the gun aside. It takes courage to love someone; to hold their heart in our hand. It takes courage to cradle in our palm the most sensitive and intimate parts of another while balancing life in the other palm. It’s not easy. It takes careful steps. But most of all it takes thoughtful steps.

I sat quiet for most of my life. To this day I still find myself offering only bright eyes and a kind smile. It’s who I am. I do not look at this as a failing, but it is something that I need to find the courage to work past. If dear reader, you notice that your steps are heavy and that something has blocked your horizon, look at the weight that is on your heart. If you placed it there, examine it, heal it and let it go. If it was placed there by another, with a soft touch, find the courage to hand it back to them. It wasn’t meant for you to hold. It’s for them to heal and let go. But first, you must give it back. Never carry a weight that isn’t yours. Love you. Give it back.