Tag Archives: self-acceptance

Drive Through the Night

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I remember once driving through the night. Honestly dear reader, I wasn’t just driving, I was escaping. I had everything I owned crammed into a Ryder Truck, my Acura in tow, my two year old son and mother beside me. I drove and I drove until the lights of Phoenix were far behind me. There comes a time for all of us when we have to take big steps toward freedom. Sometimes I think all I’ve done is taken big steps. At this point in the game, I’m an Olympian Pole Vaulter. But please know this, I wouldn’t change a thing.

We are all on a journey. Baby steps are just as valuable as pole vaulting. Actually, you can’t do one without having first done the other. So if you are finding yourself having to take big steps or baby steps to start something new, know that you are not alone. The one’s who don’t take those steps are those that will, most likely, be tasked with the same struggles throughout their life or perhaps in a different life. As for me, I try to stop the bad cycles when I recognize them.

One of the biggest cycles we all face is in learning to let go. Often, this means letting go of a relationship. Life is about relationships. We live an existence that is in relationship to what’s around us. Letting go of a steady paycheck can be devastating. Letting go of a much loved home is brutal. Letting go of someone you love is near crippling. Yet, there comes a time, when that is exactly what we are faced with doing. We must shift our direction, lift the energy, and in doing so, allow in something new.

And we know when its time, don’t we? In our core we know. From there, we usually fight it. I will say this, it does get easier. But I’ll also say that it never truly gets easy. Then again, I’m a tender heart. I feel things others don’t. Having said that, if I can do it, so can you.

Its okay if you notice you’re stuck. Its okay if you notice that those surrounding you don’t respect you. Its okay to realize that you took a few wrong turns along the way. Don’t judge yourself. Instead of viewing it as a set back, look at it as another step toward perfecting peacefulness. We almost never know what peace feels like until we are surrounded by the absence of it.

Its okay to take a stand. In fact, the best thing you can do for yourself is to fortify yourself with grace, look at yourself with Love and treat yourself accordingly. Often this means letting go of a few people, a few situations, a few habits. Every day is a new day to drive through the night toward making things right.

I’ve driven through the night both metaphorically and physically. Either way, it was filled with an indescribable ache, as well as an indescribable sense of freedom. With grace, let go of those things that no longer serve you. With a blessing, let go of friendships that have went beyond their season. And with a special prayer, release those mismatched loves. Both of you deserve something better.

I remember one night saying goodbye to someone that to this day I still love. As I sat in my Jeep, I felt the death. But I also felt the birth of hope for something better. Since then I’ve let go of people, places and things. It must be where I am in my journey. And I’m doing my best to move forward without too tight of a hold on anything. No map. Just my senses tuned to my core and the stars above. Now, if you’re needing to let go, do so with an open heart. Take a moment to look up and into the night sky. Breathe. Trust the Universe. It won’t let you down. Its time to shake it off and start again. Something better awaits. But it begins with you.

Sane

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Judge Me Not

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We are so much more than the labels put on us or the numbers associated with our life. One’s salary, savings or lack there of. One’s house value. Years of education. Pants size, shirt size or dress size. One’s color should not put them automatically into a compartment. One’s gender should have nothing to do with how they fight, live their life or what type of partner feels most right to them. Who you are has nothing to do with the stats that may, or may not, be associated with your journey. Dear reader, can you sense how tired of judgement I am?

And yet, it’s a profoundly human reaction to judge others. To size them up and then render verdicts inside our mind about who they are and what they believe. I say the hell with that.

In starting this women’s empowerment clothing line, I’m continually coming up against other people’s ideas about what this company should be.  Often, I have to pull back, take stock of all the decisions that have brought me to this point, noting if I’ve stayed true to my core principles – No Judgement. So as I get judged, sized up and put into a box, I have a choice. Show up as my highest self or get down and dirty to prove my point.

Truth is, I don’t need to prove anything. Nor do you. Our clothing is for all women. Even women who aren’t sure if they want to associate as women. If you like it and speaks to you, wear it. If it doesn’t, that’s okay too. Just know this, I have no desire to judge either way. I know how judgement feels. I know what it feels like to have someone take one look at me and size me up, incorrectly.

It took decades to shed the labels that have been thrown on me. Even the positive ones. I don’t like anything that limits. I’m me. I fumble and bumble my way along trying, always, to be my most authentic, best self. And when the impulse arises to judge another, and it always does, I try to harness the impulse before it develops into full-blown analysis and conclusion. It gets easier. Bottom line, if I don’t know you and you don’t know me. It should always start as a clean slate. Let me show you who I am by action and deed. Truth never can stay hidden. So give it time. Then decide.

This women’s empowerment clothing line doesn’t exclude anyone. Because all women could use empowerment in one form or another. Don’t be fooled to think otherwise. And I will continue to create affirmations that speak to all women, and do my damnedest to offer clothing that works for all women. It has been one of the hardest challenges I’ve ever undertaken. It may sound easy, but manufacturers don’t cater to all women. So finding something that works with a size extra small all the way up the line, and looks beautiful and is made of good quality materials, has been enough to turn my hair silver. There is no right or wrong in my book, except for that of exclusion and judgement. And damn these manufucturers like to exclude.

So dear reader, let’s all do our part to make this world a better place by judging less and loving more. Start with you. You can’t offer to others what you can’t first offer to yourself. Try not to limit someone because of their gender, race or socioeconomic situation. Try not to judge yourself by these things as well. We are all evolving. We are all fumbling and bumbling along; some more gracefully than others, yes. But we’re all still on a journey just the same. So be open. Be kind.

Am I a single mother, twice divorced with a business bankruptcy sitting in my past? Am I a victim of rape? Do I fight like a girl? How many degrees do I hold or funds do I possess?  How do you classify me? You don’t. I’m a spiritually guided soul who is doing their best in this world. There is no label or box that could ever fit me. And that’s just the way I like it and God intended me to be. Most likely the same holds true for you.

Sane

Night Driving

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Photo by F.C. Gundlach, 1954, Lo Olschner, ocelot coat by Berger, Hamburg.

There are days when I feel as though I’m driving through this world in the middle of the night on a road I’ve never traveled before. Truthfully, it feels like that a lot. I suppose however, that is the true definition of faith in action. I’m trusting that my desires rest just beyond my headlight’s beam.

Faith is a bit like walking through a pitch black room; trying to get to the other side one slowly keeps putting one foot in front of the other, trusting that with each step they will feel the ground. The ground isn’t visible. But they’re trusting it’s there. Really, anything else would not be faith. Anything less would not be utilizing inner Knowing, it would be utilizing a mind that has already seen the outcome.

As I continue to build this women’s empowerment clothing line, the more and more I realize that I am on a cross-country journey of faith in action. My inner self is elated. My mind, well, that is the part of myself I’m always training. Because my mind keeps wondering what is beyond the headlights. For all it knows, instead of road the earth could just drop off, taking me with it.

So when I get amped up and filled with anxiety, or worse, caught in a moment of utter self-doubt, I sit and remind myself – just drive. Keep moving forward. Don’t speed, as that kicks up the fear triggers. Instead, motor along and enjoy the ride. Look around more. The headlights are illuminating everything I need to see in the moment. So take in the moment. Stop wondering what is beyond my sight line. Perhaps what is just out of view is still being brought together by the Universe in honor of my continued belief and faith.

If the desire is within us, and the passion is there to fuel the desire, then it is meant to be. It has a purpose and my job is to honor the desire by moving forward Knowing that what is meant to be will be. I am not to expect a certain outcome. I am not to get weighed down in What Ifs. I’m meant to believe that the road will take me where this desire is meant to go.

Desire is what makes life worth living. And life should be a bit more fun than we often allow it to be. When we worry about what rests ahead we often fail to see and appreciate what is being given to us in the now. And there is usually always something of value meant for us to notice in the present. Perhaps doing that one simple act of appreciation is what helps to orchestrate what’s to come, what will soon fall into the range of our headlights. Perhaps faith is Divine fuel.

So dear reader, when getting where you want to go feels overwhelming try to let go of wondering what is ahead. Trust that as you move forward, as you keep taking the necessary steps to do all that you can do to keep driving, you will get there. People and places and experiences will fall into place. Most likely, they are waiting for you just around the bend. The headlights won’t show those things until you make a few more turns. Keep appreciating what you can in the now and keep driving. Life is a lot like a cross-country adventure. There are times when it feels as though you aren’t moving. There are certain states that seem to take a lifetime to drive through. About half way through you begin to convince yourself you won’t make it. But you will. Take your time. Try not to give up.

Sometimes the kindest thing you can give yourself is a release. Release your timeline, release your hard fast rules or expectations. And trust that All Is Well and everything is working – you just may not see it yet. Breathe. You’ll get there.

Sane

Letting Fear Decide Your Fate

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It should not take so long before finally breathing deep. Nor should it take so long before finally witnessing the light. But then again, the air of which I speak is not taken in through the lungs. And the light to which I’m referring is not seen with eyes.

The soul does not rely upon the same aids as does the physical body. The soul knows the steady place that is found when standing from a place of being, even when that being is standing on the edge. And yet, rarely do we lean into life with the security found in this innate place within each of us. Instead, more often than not, we let fear decide our fate.

We diligently shape our future using a mold defined by all that pained us from the past. The mind employs the reasoning that by doing so, we are avoiding further pain, disappointment and loss. And when focusing on the pain of life, the pains of life increase, thereby requiring that the box in which we push ourselves, grows smaller.

As many of you know, I do not damn fear. I see it as a beautiful tool. Much like that of any other indicator marking something warranting our attention. Don’t dismiss it. Witness it. View it with open eyes, then move on. Once it has our attention, it is of no further value. Its purpose is complete. But please remember, often the signal of fear reveals something requiring our attention inward, not outward.

Looking forward into this new year. Think for a moment upon what foundation you are creating your future. Is it from a place of love, knowing and hope. Or is it from a place tethered to fear-indicators from the past. When a bone is broken, pain shoots throughout the body pointing to that which needs our attention. We tend to the brake; the brake heals; we move on. Fear is much like the pain of a broken bone; vital in that it signals our attention. The soul knows this. The mind lost this knowing along the way, and allows the signal of fear to become the backdrop of our existence.

The other night, I asked someone quite special to me what he wants done upon his passing. He admitted that he didn’t know. I admitted that I did. When my time here is done, I want a celebration. I want those closest to me to look upon my life and see that it was lived and shaped from a place of love – not fear. I do not want my children looking upon my life and noticing all that I avoided for fear of what others would think; for fear of failing; for fear of not knowing how. Instead, while listening to my favorite music, drinking my favorite wine, I want their hearts to move with the love that was the current on which I floated through life. Fear isn’t the water. Fear is merely an outcropping along the stream. Don’t take your canoe out of the water and place it on this rock.

With every thought we think, we are shaping our life – dear reader, shape it with love – not fear.

Sane

Originally posted, January ’13

But I AM Getting Better

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I’ve caught myself doing something that I really don’t care for. More than that, I think it goes against everything I believe and teach. So I’ve stopped. Or at least, I’ve been trying to. And overall, I’m getting better at it. I used to say that I stink at social media. And building a company and a brand in today’s world requires that one be savvy and diligent at social media. You can imagine, then, my disappointment with myself each and every time I let this most vital aspect of marketing slip. But, I’m getting better at it. And that is my new mantra.

I’m honest to the nth degree. A noble quality, but also one that’s a real pain in the ass, at times. I like to be clear and exact. So if I stink at something I own it. Yet, me believing I stink at social media, and then throwing more energy behind it by voicing it, only keeps it in play. Its like throwing a ball into the air then being upset that it is always up in the air.

Its true, I am not pleased with my inclinations toward social media. Whereas others rarely miss a beat with it, I forget about it completely for days on end. Successful businesses keep themselves in front of the customer. Yet, I often catch myself questioning if I have anything new from the business to post. It isn’t about new though, its about exposure. Or so I’ve learned. So I try. And I try some more. Then a few days will pass and I find myself not only posting nothing, but following it up by repeating my self proclaimed prophecy, “I stink at marketing!” Usually with a fist in the air. Here I am, week after week, giving life to a comment that sits polar opposite to my spiritual teaching and the heart of what my company is about – believing in oneself and potential.

So although I am not where I want to be regarding my marketing drive and acumen, I’m getting better. Just like I’m getting better at monitoring the words I speak and the thoughts I think. I’m getting better at looking at myself with loving eyes and accepting who I am for what I am, and viewing all of it appreciation and acceptance. I’m also getting better at being less apologetic for living my life by my rules; for deciding what is best for me according to me and no one else, including the media.

I’m getting better at paving my way through life in a manner that sits closer to alignment with my authentic self and All That Is. I’m getting better at not beating myself up for not looking twenty years younger. On that note, I’m getting better at loving how I’m aging; loving the me that counts dancing in the dark with a full glass of wine in hand as exercise and the me that so often opts for reading instead of jogging.

Sometimes we beat ourselves up for not having achieved whatever it is that rests on the other side of the illusory finish line, well before we’ve even learned to walk or started the race. Instead, let’s start this week off by noticing the small things that we do; the little gains. Let’s notice that we’ve noticed. And take it from there. Awareness is everything. So if, at the very least, you’ve become aware that the words coming from your mouth and the judgements within your mind aren’t falling in line with what makes you feel good, take heart, as that is the first step. Just the fact that you felt pinged by your misalignment means you are on your way. And the more you notice the easier it gets. You will pick up momentum. Your words become your truth. And your truth shapes your perception.

You don’t have to lie to yourself. Lies are corrosive and out of alignment with your Highest Self. All you need to do is notice the small movement; the ping. You can not achieve or be anything beyond what you believe. So believe that you’re getting better at all this. And in time, you will be.

Samantha aka Sane

I Understand

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But I don’t feel magnificent, you say. At least, not often. I understand. And quite honestly, all of these words about seeing one’s beauty and worth seem a bit like fluff in a very challenging world. I understand that too.

But it’s you that is walking through this very challenging world. You can’t escape you. There is no drug or person, place or thing outside of yourself that can silence the voice in your head. People come and go. Situations change. And the numbing effects of drugs wears off. It always comes back to you. So its best that you make friends with you. Take charge of you. And love yourself. Because life can either be heaven or it can be hell. And you can always tell in which you are living by how you feel. Hell feels terrible.

You could have the best job, the most loving partner or friends, the most athletically etched muscles or luscious locks or keen mind – and life can still stink. Because life on earth will always consist of contrast. It must. There’s no getting around it. In truth, this contrast is your greatest helper. Because it is through contrast that you discover what you like and what you do not. It is through contrast that the soul gets to grow and desires are formed. And it is through this contrast that the Universe knows how to respond to our unique vibration. With every breathing moment we are sending out a signal; a silent prayer. That prayer is heard and it is matched and it is answered. Our vibration is how we feel, not what we think. What we think is a byproduct of how we feel. First comes the feeling. The feeling stems from a place deep within ourselves.

You view the world through a lens that is created by you. This lens is formed by how you feel. If you feel empty and bitter – your world will not only reflect that, it will bring that. But if you feel love for self, life and those around you – your world will reflect that. The silent prayer will be matched. And even though there is contrast put before you, you see it as just that – contrast. Not punishment. Nothing personal. Not something to rail against or resist.

Even when you love who you are this world can push us to the point of breaking. I feel it does this when there is still some resistance within us. Most likely we are hanging onto something that no longer serves us. Therefore we feel the push and pull. But what if instead of being abused or forsaken, you were being pushed to release your narrow view or hard set need to control. What if you were being pushed to move in a better direction?

Life is truly like the waters. At times they are smooth, and at others times they are not. How you view all of this is what matters. One person’s storm is another person’s answer to prayer. So let go of judgement. Most of all let go of judgement of yourself. You are trying. Feel your way toward heaven. Meaning, if thinking something feels bad, stop thinking that thought and think something better. As soon as you release judgement, you feel better. Baby steps. You may be knee-deep in contrast that does not feel good to you right now. And that better thought may be nearly too far for you to grasp. Try.

I can’t, you say. Life has gotten so messy and I have been in this funk for what seems like decades. And its the same crud over and over again. I understand. But you are here. And you are here for a reason. And from that alone I know that there is a pulsating point of attraction within you that has the power to bring about good things; better things. But it starts with you recognizing even the tiniest of good things.

You can’t allow in that to which you are not a vibrational match. If you do, you will lose it. It can’t remain where it is not a match. You are your point of attraction. And you can never attract that which is beyond how you feel. You can not have in your life something better than the dialogue in your mind.

Sane

You Are Magnificent

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1953 Getty Images

Did you know that you’re magnificent? You may not have known that. Instead, you look at yourself and see all the things that don’t measure up. You see the parts within you that are broken and damaged and insecure. Maybe you see your past failures and the times you’ve let yourself down. Step back, dear reader. There is more to you than that. Let me whisper into your mind what I see.

You are like a good bottle of wine. Why? Wine is complicated. And that is precisely why I like it. You can not rush quality wine. You let it sit on your tongue, and you savor it. It’s similar to the human soul in that it’s a mixture of flavors, top notes and undertones. When balanced, each characteristic adds to the other. Out of balance, and its unpalatable. Balance is key. And so it is with you.

Everything that is you, is there for a reason. Everything. You are like that good bottle of wine, nuanced. Not everyone likes the same bottle of wine. We are singular. But there are those that will appreciate you. They will savor all that you have to offer. Trust me.

But first, find your balance. You can’t balance what you don’t know. Look at every little part that makes up you, and do so with eyes of appreciation. No one can look at you in a way that you, yourself, are unable to do.

I used to damn the parts of me that didn’t seem to fit in. I was too this or too that. It took some very dark nights on my knees in surrender before my eyes were opened and I was able to see how all the pieces within myself were purposefully placed; how each added to the other. I couldn’t see that before then. But damming myself had gotten too painful. I finally broke open, and surrendered my desire to be something I wasn’t, and began appreciating who I was. And that is what alignment with Source is – loving yourself – then you can feel the love of All That Is.

Take the time to discover yourself. Sit alone, savor who you are. A great spiritual teacher once said, “You have to love yourself when you are by yourself.”

You are not hear to please anyone. You are here to be you. And the more you settle into that, things will open up to you. Joy. Peace. Love. These are not things one can reach out and grab. They are treasures hidden within you, waiting for you to find. And they sit at the core of who you are. So get to know you. Ask yourself why you do what you do and feel the way you do. What are your fears? What are your dreams? The answers need to be released. Your heart needs to open. Let yourself breathe, dear reader. You are not called to be anything except who you are – your job is to discover who that is. Then live it. Be it. Enjoy it. The rest will follow.

Me? I will forever be a writer. I will forever be a mother. A Harley riding free spirit who loves to tip tables and help people see themselves for all of their God-given breathtaking beauty. I will always be poised, unless busy laughing. I will always be a blend of levity and philosophy; delicate yet strong. I will forever long to be in my church, nature, seated with eyes fixed lovingly on the setting sun or dancing in the moonlight. My hope is that those who know me, have come to experience the many nuances that, balanced together, soothe their soul when I touch their lives. And so it is with you. Now, sit with yourself for a while. Learn from your past, then let it go; holding on keeps you off-balance. Stand tall. Smile. You are magnificent. Now let yourself breathe.

Sane

Written while listening to, Shine by Mondo Cozmo and We Don’t Know by the Strumbellas.