You’ve Come a Long Way, Baby

April 22, 2014 § 2 Comments

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A close friend of mine looked at me last night. After giving me a long stare she said, “You do protect your heart, don’t you.” She was painfully correct. And that painful truth made me think about my beloved friend.

Loss causes one to reflect. Sadness has the ability to mute the world, heightening the sound of one’s inner voice. I’ve gone through quite a series of emotions over this past week. Even anger ventured in. I wanted the chance to slam my fist against my friend’s broad chest, and scream at him for not believing in himself. I’ve wept. But most often I found myself staring off. My face holding the expression of a porcelain doll, not quite smiling, and not quite frowning. At times I all I can do still, is hold my hand against my chest in an attempt to snuff out the pain. After it lessens, off I stare again.

The human mind can be one’s ally and it can be one’s foe. The mind can harness the creative genius that saves humanity from famine, plague and disaster. The mind can be the portal for a passion that surges from the spirit and onto the page, canvas or screen. But so too can the mind be the all mighty barrier to all that we are meant to be. The voice of fear echoes with a sinister tone inside the mind that is numb to the movements of the soul. I know, I once was terribly numb.

Since I was a young girl I struggled to believe in myself. My early years were filled with upheaval and fright. I ran away over and over again. Rarely did I do so with my feet. No, I ran inside. I huddled down inside my inner being and listened to the voice of my fears. I knew that voice so well it became familiar. Eventually, that voice transformed into the chorus of depression that accompanied me on and off throughout my adult life. Rarely did I want to step too far into my dreams, desires, joy or that vulnerable space of allowing my heart to be loved. Fear told me I would fail. And because the din of fear was always louder than any other voice I knew, I listened. It was only after I broke open that I understood how to hear the voice of my soul. It may not be louder. But its always the voice of love. Fear tries to hold us down. Love tries to set us free.

As I sit and look off into the distance, I allow myself the graciousness to acknowledge how far I’ve come. I hit bottom one day due to depression. It was my, make or break, moment. I broke into a thousand pieces that day. Then I took my broken self, and began to write. Within weeks I began my life’s work. Yet even with all this, a tear forms in my eye as I hold one particular part of myself into the light and realize how far I’ve yet to go. For a time I had a beautiful soul in my life that wanted more than anything to hold my heart. I tried. I gave more than I’ve ever given. If I had it to do over, the scared little girl who fled inside herself due to the fear of her debilitating home life would come out of hiding. Oh yes, in many, many ways I’ve come a long way. I know the soul. My life is the work of the soul. But for me, dear reader, it seems the final frontier is to learn how to give my heart. This was shown to me. Easier for me to care for another, than to allow them to care for me.

Fear is the dark space of the mind. But the darkness is what summons the light. One follows the other. It’s the cycle of life and it is the cycle of our soul’s evolving. So with that, I may not have it to do over, but I can shine the light on this part of myself and see it for what it is.

I do hope that these words have helped to shine a light on you, dear reader. You are more precious to me than you know. Don’t damn your mind, even when its fear-filled. Just keep shifting the light. Fear is a tool, it’s never your guide.

Sane

Broken

April 15, 2014 § 4 Comments

HIGHER FEES APPLY. Audrey Hepburn in Rome in 1970.

Last night I lost someone very special to me. Tragically, he was removed from my life by his own hand. He was a friend. He was a lover. He was a confidant. He had become part of the mosaic of my life. It was on a Sunday morning, some time ago, that without monitoring his words, he looked over the water and admitted that he was excited about his future – now that I was in it. And it was on that day, dear reader, that he took possession of my heart.

When he looked within himself he saw only limitations and broken pieces. When I looked within him I saw all he dared to see. I wasn’t afraid to look under and through the rubble. And when I did, when I raked aside all that had fallen down, I watched him come alive. But it wasn’t just the new growth that kept me. For a time, he stepped beyond his beliefs and into mine. For a time I sat next to him as we built a mosaic from all that once was broken and all that was still left whole. I loved every minute we shared holding the pieces of his inner being up to the light. God brought me into his life. The beautiful force of All That Is knew I owned a steady hand, and would reach deep. The energy of life knew that I would see beauty within his vulnerability. And I did. Oh dear reader, I enjoyed watching him shine in the light. I don’t believe he ever knew he could be viewed in such a way. I don’t think he believed he could sparkle in the light. But I knew how to hold his most fragile pieces – because I too once was broken. I know how to hold the fragments of myself and not look upon them with a critical eye. I no longer see fault or failing. Instead, I see a soul that needed to break free. And when I looked upon him I saw a soul that was shedding the past, and coming alive.

I saw beauty in my friend, even when he was at his worst. The thin vase he once was, had transformed into something that no longer sat in the corner. Instead, he was becoming the very mosaic that lined the pathway of his soul. That pathway led to life and light.  He was life and light. And it shined bright. On him. On his kids. And yes dear reader, it shined upon me.

I can’t say for certain what caused him to lose his grip. The pain of his shards cutting me, cut him. That I know. We both cut the other. But we also healed the other. Where once I fell asleep to the sound of his soft words of contentment, now there will be silence.

Thank you God for bringing this beautiful soul into my life. Thank you for causing him to boldly reach out and seek me. I loved his broken pieces as well as the whole. I wish he believed in himself, and hadn’t let go.

To my friend. You will be missed.  And I never wanted to say good-bye.

Sane

Moving Through Me

April 2, 2014 § 2 Comments

Let It Swirl

I like that I write much like that of an impressionist painter. I paint with words. I construct my words in a way so that they are transferable. I want you to view what I write, and find a wall within your life where it needs to be placed. Some may read a sunset where others may read a sunrise. I like it that way. I like that I float across my reader’s mind in a way that my words settle into the crevices. I strike the chords that need to be struck. And such is life it seems.

I’m sitting here with a glass of wine, and once again, boxes surrounding me. A new address will soon be mine. It seems life keeps pulling me along. I’ve decided to surrender to the pull. I’m a bit tired right now, dear reader. The reasons are too intimate for me to reveal. But know this: I’ve been doing some thinking.

I sat in the sun today and prayed. I allowed the gracious sun to dance upon my closed eyes. I prayed with every cell within my body. The energy that is the sun, is me, and with all my energy I prayed. I uttered a simple statement. One that many of you have likely said when alone. I asked that my dreams be answered. The voice that speaks to me said, “What then do you dream.” My eyes opened. I stared at the sun while it stared at me. I shared the vulnerability that rests upon my soul. I said words that those closest to me don’t want me to say. But they are my truths. I must own them. Then I allowed my desires to move on.

As the sun set, I found myself bringing my day to a close while watching its decline into the western sky. In the span of an hour I thought many things. Images came to life within my mind. I prayed with anger. I prayed with reverence. I prayed with sweet words. I prayed with volume. I allowed the release of the bitterness that rests within me. Oh yes, some of what life has doled out as of late has left me bitter. I can’t just yet see the reason for its being. In time. In time. But not now. Instead, for the moment, I bid farewell to the dreams cast just earlier in the day; not because I don’t want them, but because I can’t see the world around me, none alone what lies ahead.

Spirit knows and God understands. All the while, my mind tries to play catch up. Right now I’m wrapped in confusion. What I wake feeling is far from what I feel upon my final blink of the night. Yet, as always, I feel the pull. Now is not a wasted time. I know that forward movement has me within its grip. I’ve surrendered to the undercurrent for the moment. In time I will buoy. Soon I will float again, dear reader. But this moment in time, this pull that forces me under is quiet necessary, you see. I won’t drown. No. Instead, life dunks us under every now and again. And while it does the sand that rests at the bottom of the sea swirls; life gets kicked up. I’ve learned to not panic. I’ve learned to not fight against the pull. Instead, I surrender. I allow life to move through me. I feel all that life is pushing through me. I feel sadness. I feel breathtakingly deep love. I feel longing. I feel anger. I feel bitter. I feel confusion. My eyes are open, yet at the moment all I see is swirling sand. And that’s okay. Life will sustain me.

Just remember, dear reader, that when life swirls around you – change is underway. Perhaps your prayers are being answered. But to allow you the answer, sand must be overturned, life must be shifted. Go with it. Rest assured that you will buoy again. Know that you’ll be alright. You are the energy that swirls the sand. You are love. You are the pull. You’ll be just fine.

Sane.

By Design

March 27, 2014 § 3 Comments

ByDesign

Hello, dear reader. Thank you for waiting for me. I’ve been doing some spring cleaning; no, not the kind we do on the outside. The metaphorical broom I’ve had in hand, is the kind used on the inside. At times what I find when I sweep the dust within me, causes me to cringe. I do not look at it and smile. But it is me. This raw dust is me.

Then I sit. I rest my broom next to me, and I examine what I’ve found. Sometimes, I cry. Always, I pray. And when I finally muster the courage to grab the broom again, I sweep further the next time. I extend my reach deeper within the recesses of my being, and take pride knowing that I’m doing my best. I may gather dust from time to time, but I venture back inside. With each sweep I gather, I examine, I clean. If I am to grow, my soul must not be buried.

I may succumb to my psyche’s knee-jerk reaction to find fault with what I see, to view myself as a failure for not being the image of perfection others may want me to be. But then I sit again. I rest the broom again, and I pray. And if I quiet my mind long enough the voice within me speaks, and so too comes its peace. I won’t condemn who I am. I do not and will not find fault even within the raw pieces of my being. I may have a lot of work left to do, but  am pleased with who I’ve become. I am pleased with who I am.

I was brought here for a reason, dear reader, and so were you. That reason was not so that you should feel less than. It wasn’t so that you should feel guilty for not being perfect. It’s so that one day as you sit with that broom resting beside you, you realize that you came from perfection. And within every particle in your being there is perfection. Not because you do or say everything right. Not because you have all the answers, but because you came from perfection, therefore you are inherently just as you are meant to be. You are a work in progress. We don’t damn the seed for not being a full grown oak. As the hard winds push against it, the seed does not hide, it does not shrink, it gets stronger. You will get there as long as you too move forward.

Feel no shame. Feel no guilt. You are not less than. You cannot be less than your point of origin. And your point of origin is divine source. So take your broom dear reader, keep cleaning. Keep taking stock of where you are at and from where you came. The mere act of looking at yourself with a kind eye means you are moving forward. It is my belief that we are here to arrive at that understanding. You are worthy. You may not do or say everything right. And that’s okay. Own it. Admit it. Give yourself and the world around you some slack. The same energy that is nestled within every seed, rests within you. You are meant to grow. You are meant to transform. It was never intended of you to become perfect. You arrived from perfection. Perfection rests within you, not beyond you. Now tap into it. Perfection is God and God lives in joy. God lives in appreciation. God lives in love. So dust off the seed. Get centered, and move forward, expand in those directions.

And if you are wondering if you are living a life that is right, if you are in alignment, if you are honoring God, ask yourself if you are moving toward joy, appreciation and love. You are meant to feel love. You are meant to be happy. God lives in the seed. The seed is you. Dust it off, and let it grow.

 

Sane

Waiting for this Moment

March 8, 2014 § 8 Comments

Teenage Girl Waiting for Train, Chicago, Illinois, 1960

Chapter One

We are all on a journey. My steps are no more important than yours. Your steps are no more important than mine. But there is a difference, and that difference is the imprint we leave with each step, and what catches our eye and draws our focus as we move along. Somewhere down the line I became quite aware of my soul; what it is my soul has set out to accomplish and the opportunities given me to bring about that end. I did not always have this awareness. I did not always understand nor appreciate the work of my soul. Now I do. And now, as I look back, I see the turning points of my life as the opportunities for my soul’s expansion as they were meant to be. Knowing this as I do hasn’t lessened the heartache of some of those moments. Knowing this hasn’t taken away the pain; but it has strengthened me. And for now, strength is enough.

Still, there have been a few times in my life, moments that altered me to the core, for which I’m still at a loss to understand. Even though the purpose of those altering moments is still beyond my understanding, in time I will see them with a deeper understanding; a level of knowing I’ve yet to cultivate due to my often turbulent psyche. But the turbulence I experience now is light in comparison to what it was in my earlier years. Now, I see the whipping winds of my mind as simply the moments when I’ve fallen out of alignment with my true self. These moments are not the end, as I sometimes fear them to be. They are times when my soul is striking with a diligent fist against a hardened or broken part within my being; a time when my soul has approached an obstacle buried within me. But the obstacle has purpose; this I now understand. My soul chose my turbulent mind and the body that contains it as the vehicle by which it wants to experience this wildly contrasting world. My soul knew that when the winds within my psyche kick up, it does so with a passionate force that can knock me off-center and send me tumbling to my knees. It is this same soul though, that knew it is upon my knees where I often unearth the hidden truths buried deep within me, so on my knees I must occasionally go. Oh yes dear reader, my soul knew that from even those moments brought about by my most doubting self and deepest fears – good can emerge. And so often it has.

I wouldn’t trade the person that is me, with all of my many particularities, for anyone else; even if their roads appear easier, even if their psyches appear softer and less inquisitive. It is a resolute truth of mine that my purpose can only be fulfilled through the vehicle that is me. And such is true with you. My walk has eased up after that one realization. I am a work in progress and always will be. However, I no longer see myself as flawed. I see even the broken pieces within me as the perfect catalysts that my soul needs to become what it has set out to become. I do view myself as that blackbird that wants to fly. And like the famous song says, I too have broken wings, but am learning to fly. I felt broken and blind for most of my life. Although many would not want to expose such a truth about themselves, I know that many feel the same: broken and blind, afraid to fly. Due to such, there they stay, suspended in place. It needn’t be that way. And I intend to tell you why.

Excerpt from the memoir, Blackbird Fly. The telling of which is one of the reasons it may seem I’ve been so silent as of late. Please know, dear reader, I am not as silent as it may appear. I’m merely telling a larger story that will be shared with you.

Sane

Love.

February 13, 2014 § 13 Comments

Love

I don’t know what good these words will be to you, dear reader. I find myself sitting here tonight questioning the efficacy of that which I share with you. Will it empower you. Will it liberate you. Will it enlighten you as to your value in life. Will it give you hope. I can’t say if my words harness you or set you free. My intent however, is to fill you with love. Love for life. Love for yourself.

I would like to tell you that life gets easier. I would like to say that the road shifts suddenly from that of broken glass to smooth. With an honest heart, I can’t. From what has been shown to me, the road is often strewn with shards. We will have days when we walk with smooth, easy strides. And then we will have days when, due to no fault of our own, our foot hits a jagged edge, and down we go.

Life isn’t about smooth roads, or arriving at a final destination. It’s about the love you managed to give and get along the way. When life takes you down, who is there to help support you.

Shards of glass come and go. Kids grow and move away. Friends stay for a lifetime, some for that of a season. Whether by the hand of God or a twist of fate, life is filled with ups and downs. At times, challenges seem near endless. It’s love that will get you through. Love, dear reader. Give it. Allow it in.

Teach your children how to love. They won’t know how to navigate life without it. We can’t change life, not as we’d like. We can color our canoe, but we can’t alter the undercurrent of the stream. Our soul is on a mission, some believe. And that mission will contain waters that are like glass. And it will contain white water rapids. Fill your canoe with love. It will balance you regardless of what the waters decide to do underneath. It will sustain you. At times it will guide you to lift the oars and let life take you where you need to go. At other times it will require of you to plunge deep into the water, and push.

Make love your own. That’s where this elusive energy known as God is most felt. And God wants to move through you. It does not move through sacrifice or fear. It moves most freely through joy and love.

I want to say to have faith. Tonight, I can’t. I want to say to believe that everything will turn out fine. Tonight, I can’t. But I can say this: Life gets ugly. Life will rip from you something you hold dear. Life will cause you to find yourself uprooted. Life will spin you around. Life will cut you to shreds, sometimes. Those days will come, my dear reader and it pains me to tell you so. But it will. So keep love close. Because during the upheaval and during the calm, love will make you whole. Love empowers. Love says, you can do anything. Love says, I will be there for you. Love says, come into my office and let’s talk. Love says, I know you are scared, but you can do this. Love says, let it go; free your hands so you can receive something new. Love says, go easy on yourself.

Love will make you laugh when all you want to do is cry. Most of all, love will cause you to believe in heaven. So when you think of sacrificing things within your life, step back, and remember – never sacrifice the love. It is the air through which God breathes. And God wants to breathe through you. God lives in the smile that comes to your face. God lives in that which feels good. So seek it out. It will ease the pain when the next shard comes your way.

Dedicated to all those that I love. And yes, that includes you, dear reader. I hope I have been of value to you. 

Sane

Sitting in Uncertainty

February 10, 2014 § 8 Comments

 

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At this present time, I can find no better words to share with you than the ones within my previous post. I have read them often.

Dear reader, please know that I will never slight you. I never hold back. Although I feel something else arriving, new words to say, right now this is my best. And the best is what I vow to always give to you. So for now, I want to pause. I want to allow these seeds to take root. And with that, may those roots hold you steadily in place.

Sane

On the Horizon

Originally posted, January 19, 2014

On the Horizon

 

One day, I want for you, dear reader, to look back upon your life, and see that you lived the life of your dreams. Instead, many will look back and only see the life they were afraid to live.

Fear rules most of us. We fear that by living our dreams, we will upset the apple cart. We will end up in financial ruin. We will short change our children, or cause their upbringing to be flawed or failing. We will disappoint our family, friends or those we want to look favorably upon us. These are the fears that dwell deep within the hearts of many.

These fears are important indicators. Never push them aside without first looking at them for what they are. They have nothing to do with your heart or spirit, and everything to do with your ego and mind. I have an issue or two that when I look far out into the distance, my fears emerge, blocking sight of the horizon. Mistakenly, I confuse the fear for the horizon. My soul knows better. My soul reminds me that the fear is the obstacle, it merely stands in the way, blocking my view. It is only the view that I see until removed, and the horizon is allowed to reveal its beauty. I mustn’t confuse the two, and neither should you.

The horizon is constantly being beautifully created by the desires that rest upon our heart and soul; the obstacles that stand in the way are often created by the fears that rest upon our mind. Never interchange the two.

I could shape my world based on the obstacles. Or I could shape my life based upon faith in what rests beyond the obstacle. The sad thing is, many of us never remove the obstacle. Nor do we take the extra steps required of us to walk around. We make the obstacle our life. We stop and live in the obstacle. We live in our fear. In many ways, I feel such a thing is a crime against the beautiful energy that brought us here.

These fears of mine tell me both what I want out of life and what I don’t. But never should the fear be any more than that. It is a tool. It is an indicator. It is an emotional response that tells me a great deal about the rate of my spiritual expansion and the level of my emotional development. Fear is the boulder that sits dead-center on the road that leads to one’s happiness. Fear is the closed-door that sits between you and the life of your desires. Fear merely tells us that life is requiring of us action, clear intention and the desire to reach for and make joy our own.

Don’t let fear stop you from living the life that pleases you. And yes I understand that right now you may be saying a good deal of, what ifs. What if I do this or do that. What if my kids hate me for reaching for happiness. What if my friends think I’m insane. What if it doesn’t work out. To that, all I can say is: What if it does. What if you have been given this life for the one reason of creating, aligning with and feeling joy.

Sane

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