December 6, 2013 § 3 Comments
Finally, a moment to sit, and do what I love. For me, sitting alone writing, is like taking a long cool drink after having been without water; its like shelter from the storm; its like taking the hand of God and sitting for a while. I’ve missed you, dear reader. I send this missive late on a Friday night, with the intent of taking us into the weekend with a thought that will sustain us: When you think, think well, when you dream, dream without limits. And when the winds spin around you, and you’re about to lose your balance, focus on one thing and one thing alone. Focus on that which brings you joy.
Lately, I’ve had to retrain my eye. I’ve worked my spiritual muscles ardently. My psyche has been brought repeatedly into alignment; sometimes easily, sometimes by sheer will. But that’s okay. I’m standing balanced. I just can’t lose my focus. I can’t lose my belief and inner knowing that – all is well. And those things that seem far from well at the moment, are only temporary. Maybe this moment is here solely for the purpose of training my focus. Maybe that is, in part, what some of the rougher stretches of road are meant to do, train us to focus not on what’s under foot, but on the horizon.
It is our horizon. It is for us to create. I believe that with my entire being. I do not feel we control every nuance, every shade of color held within the sunsets we’ll one day see. But I do feel we control the essence of what our future will hold. And so with that, I say again, think well. Dream without limit.
When one dreams with conditions, they are not dreaming at all. Dreams hold energy. Never contain the energy of your dream. Try not to look around in the present moment and find reasons to limit your dreams. Perhaps every unsavory thing in your life at present is there for one reason – to train you to focus upon something better. Easier said than done. I know. In fact, I know this all too well. So please know that all that I share with you, are from those moments when I feel God’s hand in mine. I too, live by them. I too, am given instruction. Am I a sage. No. I’m just a writer. One who sits with God, and one who leaves ample room for God to sit within me.
God is in those focused moments. I feel God is in all things. But sometimes that thought is too esoteric for everyday life. Surely, it feels too large of an idea to grapple with when one is simply trying to weather the storm. When the rain is hitting us hard, we can’t even see. In those moments, recognizing that God is in the rain and in the overhang under which we find shelter, is overwhelming. So for now, focus on those things that make you feel good. There is a reason for the feeling that stirs within you when you do. When you give yourself a moment to think good thoughts, when you are allowing beautiful music to fill your mind and your being, notice the way you feel. Breathe in that swirling feeling, don’t brush it aside. Notice the release within your chest. You are swirling something very important in those moments. I like to think that in those moments, when my heart fills, and my chest softens, I can feel the breath of God within me. Make that your focal point. Go there. It is the focal point that will get you through any storm.
November 23, 2013 § 4 Comments
And then it happens. Something comes along that flicks your compass dial, and leaves you spinning. Give it time. Don’t panic. Your dial will slow itself. And in time it will, once again, point toward True North.
In moments such as these, try not to fight the spin. Instead, hold your feet steady; give yourself a moment. Hang on. You’ll be alright. It happens to all of us. And don’t be surprised if, once your dial has come to a stop, you admit to yourself that you’ve made a mistake. But let go of society’s definition of a mistake. Do not damn yourself. Mistakes have their place. Look at it. Look at what you did and why. Look at the steps that brought you here. Look at the impact it had on you. And once you are steady again, decide what you are going to do about it. Your power to shape your future is in that moment. Don’t let it escape. Grab it. Hold it. Make it your own. Then, and only then, go forward.
The world will not come to an end upon admitting such a truth as having made a mistake. The world comes to an end when we choose to define a mistake as being the end. It’s not. It was merely a moment in time. We are all human. Some moments are easier and smoother than others. Some of my worst moments in life have propelled me the farthest forward. You are not a failure. You are never a failure. You are only that which you believe yourself to be. So believe kindly, and with thoughtfulness.
I’ve managed to trip my way down the road of life as often as I’ve walked with long, steady strides. Each movement had purpose – those that were graceful and those that were not. There were times when I was meant to spin. There were times when I was reluctant to change, so change happened to me via a big spin. And then there were times when I walked headfirst into the very thing that caused me to spin.
Let’s go easy on ourselves. Let us not forget that we are doing our best. Let us not forget to stop and remember that our personal happiness matters. Define your happiness with words of your own choosing. It is a definition meant for you to create. Like a fingerprint, it belongs only to you. But never devalue it. Never overlook the importance of holding close those things that make you smile. As frivolous as it may seem upon first glance, happiness is your True North. Go in that direction. Never dismiss it. Never pull against it. Never forfeit it.
So as I end this night, I want to remind us all that its okay to make a mistake. Mistakes are not what they seem. They are there, they are the pebbles on the road that cause us to stop. Sometimes they cause us to spin. But that’s okay. Life will calm down. And once it does, look around. Take stock of what is around you. Now pull close that which makes you happy.
November 14, 2013 § 2 Comments
There are days when I awake with a sense of uncertainty. In those moments I want only to strangle the fear that managed to walk with cold steps into my being during the night. Lately I’ve felt pushed a bit further than I am comfortable. I have been pushed to the point of breaking. I could say that I’ve been pushed too far, yet I know such a place, does not exist. We are limitless beings. I am only fearful because of the unknown. I am uncertain only because I don’t yet know if I possess what will be needed.
But I am meant to enter this place with a sense of unknowing. If I entered it already knowing, then there would be no need for me to be brought here. Instead, I’m being pushed further into my expansion. And although some days my movements appear to be only that of moving backward, I understand that expansion requires both. My perception of the soul and the being that is me and you and all of us is one that requires flux. It must move in all directions. It must be able to dip back into our past and outward into what is to become. Expansion requires flexibility.
But in these moments when I feel as though I am breaking. When I want to strangle my fear into submission and whisper to it the words of self-doubt, insecurity and uncertainty – in essence, do to it what it does to me – I realize that this vortex of emotion that currently consumes me is merely part of the process of stepping into a more authentic, connected version of myself. The times when the vortex swirls with uncertainty the worst are the times when it is the thickest, most hardened parts of myself breaking down. Knowing this, and viewing the process of the soul as I do, one would think then that I am always comforted, confident and sure. I wish I could say that was the case. It isn’t.
After I release myself from the fetal position, the awareness that I have developed through my lifetime, does remind me of this knowing. And after I sit awhile and breathe these truths, I remember that I’m okay. This feeling that’s consuming me is just the clamor and crash of the limited walls within myself being brought down. I don’t want those walls. I don’t want to be limited by inflexibility. And yet, the removal of such walls is always accompanied by the same overwhelming vortex of piercing emotion.
I am entering into yet another phase of my soul’s development, and its understanding of mankind. I’m also entering into a place of many unknowns within my personal world. So I will say to you, and I will say to me: this place – whether it be in our outward world or our inward world – only feels daunting because it is not yet known to us. In time, it will become the new, solid plateau on which we stand and view the world. Do not expect yourself to be the master of territory when you haven’t yet stepped foot upon this new land, none alone made it your home. Give yourself time. Know that you are moving in this new direction because your soul, your inner being, the part of you that is connected to All That Is, feels it is where you need to be. You are there for a reason. There is a purpose. And to enter it you must first break free. Not knowing causes you to fear and fear causes you to doubt. Don’t doubt.
These are the words I will take with me today, because I need to hear them. I ask that you please take them with you.
November 11, 2013 § 6 Comments
And so there comes a time when we must stop. We must cease our movements and look down. It’s important that we give ourself a moment to take stock of who we’ve become. No doubt, my life is an examined one. But everyone should give pause. Everyone should examine their steps, their actions, and their motivations.
Who are you? Why are you here? Surely you are not here solely to wake each morning, fulfill certain assigned physical tasks, sleep, then hit repeat. Is there not a soul within you that is your undercurrent? They say many have drowned due to not understanding the power of the undercurrent. It is my belief that a similar unseen force rests within each of us. It is the force that remains in full connection with all that is.
Its time. Its time to stand and look around. I ask that you look back. I ask that you look forward. But also, dear reader, look inward. If you wish, tell no one of what you see. It is your private space, allow in only those that you want given access. This space is yours. It is for you to discover and understand those things you find lining the shelves of your soul.
Pick up the broken pieces of yourself that you may find there. I ask that you resist the urge to throw these pieces away. Instead, look at them. Hold them up into the light and notice the path that brought you to that moment of breaking. Smile and know that you walked that arduous road. And even with an inner being that has broken down, time and time again, here you are, in tact. You may not feel whole, not yet. But you will.
I’ve chosen to not throw away anything that I have found within myself. I could. I could tell myself that if I jettison my misshapen pieces I will become lighter, better. But its not so. I would only be taking from the whole of who I am. Instead, I have chosen to recycle all that I have found within me. I do not let my past rule me. Nor do I let all that I have been, define all that I’ll become. No. I take these pieces and have created a mosaic that lines the walls of my soul. By examining the whole of who I am, I have come to understand why it is I am here. I know my work. I know who I am and what motivates me. I know this only by way of stopping and looking down. By taking note of where I am and how I got here. Then I look within. I examine those thing within me, the selfish and the petty, the selfless and the loving. I do not damn what I see. But I do understand what I see. I adjust. I learn. I redefine who I am as I go along.
Upon starting this week, stand for a bit. Look inward. Teach your children to do the same. Your soul is waiting for your examination. It is waiting for your eyes to look softly upon it and discover its purpose. Its waiting. Go inward, and discover you.
November 5, 2013 § 8 Comments
As many of you know, I haven’t felt well lately. I’ve been carrying a weight upon my heart that shouldn’t be there. And although I’m not to blame for its existence, I am to blame for allowing it to make my heart it’s home.
It was a hard decision. But I have decided to let this pain go. I have to give it back to the one who handed it to me. I’ve been given ample opportunity to do so. I back away each time. And as my life is a series of cyclical moments given to me for the purpose of my soul’s expansion, I must let it go if I am to move on.
Lately, I can’t even see the future. Pain has a way of doing that. It can blind us. It can tether us to one spot and suspend us in time. I want only to get lost in the moments that feel good, and turn a blind eye to the hurts of life, at times. The child in me has wanted to blanket this pain with something more pleasing. The problem is, once the pleasing thing is removed, the pain re-emerges and tightens the tether and clouds the future, once again.
It takes courage to do so many things in life. I’d rather step in front of a bullet than watch it sink deep into the heart of those closest to me. But sometimes, the one that fires the shot is the one closest to me. Life is funny that way. Life is always a two-sided coin. Pain lives hand in hand with some of the grandest ecstasies of life. And although no one was there to protect me, I’m the one that is holding on to the bullet. I’ve waited for it to be removed. No hand has come my way. Not the hand I needed to see. So now, with the use of my own loving hand, I will give it back. Not out of anger. Not out of bitterness. But I know me. If I do not remove this, it will cause a shift that will change the future.
Oh yes, life requires of us great courage. Sometimes that courage is to stop and not pull the trigger. To realize that there is another way; that love requires of us to find the other way, so we set the gun aside. It takes courage to love someone; to hold their heart in our hand. It takes courage to cradle in our palm the most sensitive and intimate parts of another while balancing life in the other palm. It’s not easy. It takes careful steps. But most of all it takes thoughtful steps.
I sat quiet for most of my life. To this day I still find myself offering only bright eyes and a kind smile. It’s who I am. I do not look at this as a failing, but it is something that I need to find the courage to work past. If dear reader, you notice that your steps are heavy and that something has blocked your horizon, look at the weight that is on your heart. If you placed it there, examine it, heal it and let it go. If it was placed there by another, with a soft touch, find the courage to hand it back to them. It wasn’t meant for you to hold. It’s for them to heal and let go. But first, you must give it back. Never carry a weight that isn’t yours. Love you. Give it back.
October 29, 2013 § 10 Comments
I’m in a bit of a bad way tonight, dear reader. But I’ll be okay. That’s what I’ve learned from this life of mine – I’ll always make it through – even moments so painful, they take my breath away.
Tomorrow is a new day. And with it, I have to believe new people, places and opportunities will come my way. It’s these catalysts in life that sometimes bring a person to their knees. I wish God spoke to me with soft words during moments like this. But something about the way God and I are walking this life of mine, causes that not to be. Instead, it isn’t until the pain that is within me has been released, that I hear any words of clarity, love or support.
I keep doing my best though. I have no regrets. If I do, only a few. And as I’ve been able to turn back and see the value in almost all that has come my way, I can’t even damn even the harder parts of my life. But in the moment – in that fresh moment that lives in the now – my heart breaks. Oddly enough, I wrote an award-winning blog post during a moment such as this. During another, I wrote the first, all-important, pages of my memoir. So, I guess even in the now I see that value comes out of adversity. Pain, for me, often births beauty and a fresh perspective.
I have come to terms with the me I am now. I like who I am and what I offer the world. I did not come by this easily. I earned every step. My wisdom has come from first hand schooling. I can give compassion because I own it in excess, as I learned from a beautiful source that it is magical and divine to give what you want most to receive. And grace, I carry with me always, not by choice so much; but by having to stand tall when feeling weak. I question myself often. But I don’t regret that either. I feel it is the way we keep ourselves humble, allowing, and open for expansion. I must not believe that I always have the answer, or I will forget to keep seeking out that which I do not know.
I am a kind, gentle soul. I arrived at this too by way of harder times. I make few demands of life. I’ve come to understand that living within rigid lines, limits my ability to experience the full breadth of what this Universe has to offer me. But I do demand that as long as I remain with an open heart and ear that my God finds a way to speak to me. I demand that I never allow deep into my heart someone who does not respect that sacred space for which they’ve been allowed access. And I demand that I not waste these days of mine, and when all is said and done, I leave behind a life that was lived in full.
So if, dear reader, you are experiencing a painful catalyst, know that you’ll make it through. I may not know why this situation was brought your way, but if you look with divine eyes, I bet you do. Honor this catalyst. See it for what it is. Get from it all that you feel it is taking from you. Grow. Learn. Expand. And even if you feel like you are falling apart inside, that your dreams are dashes and your disappointments overwhelming – you will be alright. It may not feel like it right now. But, you will be alright.