April 15, 2014 § 4 Comments
Last night I lost someone very special to me. Tragically, he was removed from my life by his own hand. He was a friend. He was a lover. He was a confidant. He had become part of the mosaic of my life. It was on a Sunday morning, some time ago, that without monitoring his words, he looked over the water and admitted that he was excited about his future – now that I was in it. And it was on that day, dear reader, that he took possession of my heart.
When he looked within himself he saw only limitations and broken pieces. When I looked within him I saw all he dared to see. I wasn’t afraid to look under and through the rubble. And when I did, when I raked aside all that had fallen down, I watched him come alive. But it wasn’t just the new growth that kept me. For a time, he stepped beyond his beliefs and into mine. For a time I sat next to him as we built a mosaic from all that once was broken and all that was still left whole. I loved every minute we shared holding the pieces of his inner being up to the light. God brought me into his life. The beautiful force of All That Is knew I owned a steady hand, and would reach deep. The energy of life knew that I would see beauty within his vulnerability. And I did. Oh dear reader, I enjoyed watching him shine in the light. I don’t believe he ever knew he could be viewed in such a way. I don’t think he believed he could sparkle in the light. But I knew how to hold his most fragile pieces – because I too once was broken. I know how to hold the fragments of myself and not look upon them with a critical eye. I no longer see fault or failing. Instead, I see a soul that needed to break free. And when I looked upon him I saw a soul that was shedding the past, and coming alive.
I saw beauty in my friend, even when he was at his worst. The thin vase he once was, had transformed into something that no longer sat in the corner. Instead, he was becoming the very mosaic that lined the pathway of his soul. That pathway led to life and light. He was life and light. And it shined bright. On him. On his kids. And yes dear reader, it shined upon me.
I can’t say for certain what caused him to lose his grip. The pain of his shards cutting me, cut him. That I know. We both cut the other. But we also healed the other. Where once I fell asleep to the sound of his soft words of contentment, now there will be silence.
Thank you God for bringing this beautiful soul into my life. Thank you for causing him to boldly reach out and seek me. I loved his broken pieces as well as the whole. I wish he believed in himself, and hadn’t let go.
To my friend. You will be missed. And I never wanted to say good-bye.
April 2, 2014 § 2 Comments
I like that I write much like that of an impressionist painter. I paint with words. I construct my words in a way so that they are transferable. I want you to view what I write, and find a wall within your life where it needs to be placed. Some may read a sunset where others may read a sunrise. I like it that way. I like that I float across my reader’s mind in a way that my words settle into the crevices. I strike the chords that need to be struck. And such is life it seems.
I’m sitting here with a glass of wine, and once again, boxes surrounding me. A new address will soon be mine. It seems life keeps pulling me along. I’ve decided to surrender to the pull. I’m a bit tired right now, dear reader. The reasons are too intimate for me to reveal. But know this: I’ve been doing some thinking.
I sat in the sun today and prayed. I allowed the gracious sun to dance upon my closed eyes. I prayed with every cell within my body. The energy that is the sun, is me, and with all my energy I prayed. I uttered a simple statement. One that many of you have likely said when alone. I asked that my dreams be answered. The voice that speaks to me said, “What then do you dream.” My eyes opened. I stared at the sun while it stared at me. I shared the vulnerability that rests upon my soul. I said words that those closest to me don’t want me to say. But they are my truths. I must own them. Then I allowed my desires to move on.
As the sun set, I found myself bringing my day to a close while watching its decline into the western sky. In the span of an hour I thought many things. Images came to life within my mind. I prayed with anger. I prayed with reverence. I prayed with sweet words. I prayed with volume. I allowed the release of the bitterness that rests within me. Oh yes, some of what life has doled out as of late has left me bitter. I can’t just yet see the reason for its being. In time. In time. But not now. Instead, for the moment, I bid farewell to the dreams cast just earlier in the day; not because I don’t want them, but because I can’t see the world around me, none alone what lies ahead.
Spirit knows and God understands. All the while, my mind tries to play catch up. Right now I’m wrapped in confusion. What I wake feeling is far from what I feel upon my final blink of the night. Yet, as always, I feel the pull. Now is not a wasted time. I know that forward movement has me within its grip. I’ve surrendered to the undercurrent for the moment. In time I will buoy. Soon I will float again, dear reader. But this moment in time, this pull that forces me under is quiet necessary, you see. I won’t drown. No. Instead, life dunks us under every now and again. And while it does the sand that rests at the bottom of the sea swirls; life gets kicked up. I’ve learned to not panic. I’ve learned to not fight against the pull. Instead, I surrender. I allow life to move through me. I feel all that life is pushing through me. I feel sadness. I feel breathtakingly deep love. I feel longing. I feel anger. I feel bitter. I feel confusion. My eyes are open, yet at the moment all I see is swirling sand. And that’s okay. Life will sustain me.
Just remember, dear reader, that when life swirls around you – change is underway. Perhaps your prayers are being answered. But to allow you the answer, sand must be overturned, life must be shifted. Go with it. Rest assured that you will buoy again. Know that you’ll be alright. You are the energy that swirls the sand. You are love. You are the pull. You’ll be just fine.
March 8, 2014 § 8 Comments
We are all on a journey. My steps are no more important than yours. Your steps are no more important than mine. But there is a difference, and that difference is the imprint we leave with each step, and what catches our eye and draws our focus as we move along. Somewhere down the line I became quite aware of my soul; what it is my soul has set out to accomplish and the opportunities given me to bring about that end. I did not always have this awareness. I did not always understand nor appreciate the work of my soul. Now I do. And now, as I look back, I see the turning points of my life as the opportunities for my soul’s expansion as they were meant to be. Knowing this as I do hasn’t lessened the heartache of some of those moments. Knowing this hasn’t taken away the pain; but it has strengthened me. And for now, strength is enough.
Still, there have been a few times in my life, moments that altered me to the core, for which I’m still at a loss to understand. Even though the purpose of those altering moments is still beyond my understanding, in time I will see them with a deeper understanding; a level of knowing I’ve yet to cultivate due to my often turbulent psyche. But the turbulence I experience now is light in comparison to what it was in my earlier years. Now, I see the whipping winds of my mind as simply the moments when I’ve fallen out of alignment with my true self. These moments are not the end, as I sometimes fear them to be. They are times when my soul is striking with a diligent fist against a hardened or broken part within my being; a time when my soul has approached an obstacle buried within me. But the obstacle has purpose; this I now understand. My soul chose my turbulent mind and the body that contains it as the vehicle by which it wants to experience this wildly contrasting world. My soul knew that when the winds within my psyche kick up, it does so with a passionate force that can knock me off-center and send me tumbling to my knees. It is this same soul though, that knew it is upon my knees where I often unearth the hidden truths buried deep within me, so on my knees I must occasionally go. Oh yes dear reader, my soul knew that from even those moments brought about by my most doubting self and deepest fears – good can emerge. And so often it has.
I wouldn’t trade the person that is me, with all of my many particularities, for anyone else; even if their roads appear easier, even if their psyches appear softer and less inquisitive. It is a resolute truth of mine that my purpose can only be fulfilled through the vehicle that is me. And such is true with you. My walk has eased up after that one realization. I am a work in progress and always will be. However, I no longer see myself as flawed. I see even the broken pieces within me as the perfect catalysts that my soul needs to become what it has set out to become. I do view myself as that blackbird that wants to fly. And like the famous song says, I too have broken wings, but am learning to fly. I felt broken and blind for most of my life. Although many would not want to expose such a truth about themselves, I know that many feel the same: broken and blind, afraid to fly. Due to such, there they stay, suspended in place. It needn’t be that way. And I intend to tell you why.
Excerpt from the memoir, Blackbird Fly. The telling of which is one of the reasons it may seem I’ve been so silent as of late. Please know, dear reader, I am not as silent as it may appear. I’m merely telling a larger story that will be shared with you.
February 13, 2014 § 13 Comments
I don’t know what good these words will be to you, dear reader. I find myself sitting here tonight questioning the efficacy of that which I share with you. Will it empower you. Will it liberate you. Will it enlighten you as to your value in life. Will it give you hope. I can’t say if my words harness you or set you free. My intent however, is to fill you with love. Love for life. Love for yourself.
I would like to tell you that life gets easier. I would like to say that the road shifts suddenly from that of broken glass to smooth. With an honest heart, I can’t. From what has been shown to me, the road is often strewn with shards. We will have days when we walk with smooth, easy strides. And then we will have days when, due to no fault of our own, our foot hits a jagged edge, and down we go.
Life isn’t about smooth roads, or arriving at a final destination. It’s about the love you managed to give and get along the way. When life takes you down, who is there to help support you.
Shards of glass come and go. Kids grow and move away. Friends stay for a lifetime, some for that of a season. Whether by the hand of God or a twist of fate, life is filled with ups and downs. At times, challenges seem near endless. It’s love that will get you through. Love, dear reader. Give it. Allow it in.
Teach your children how to love. They won’t know how to navigate life without it. We can’t change life, not as we’d like. We can color our canoe, but we can’t alter the undercurrent of the stream. Our soul is on a mission, some believe. And that mission will contain waters that are like glass. And it will contain white water rapids. Fill your canoe with love. It will balance you regardless of what the waters decide to do underneath. It will sustain you. At times it will guide you to lift the oars and let life take you where you need to go. At other times it will require of you to plunge deep into the water, and push.
Make love your own. That’s where this elusive energy known as God is most felt. And God wants to move through you. It does not move through sacrifice or fear. It moves most freely through joy and love.
I want to say to have faith. Tonight, I can’t. I want to say to believe that everything will turn out fine. Tonight, I can’t. But I can say this: Life gets ugly. Life will rip from you something you hold dear. Life will cause you to find yourself uprooted. Life will spin you around. Life will cut you to shreds, sometimes. Those days will come, my dear reader and it pains me to tell you so. But it will. So keep love close. Because during the upheaval and during the calm, love will make you whole. Love empowers. Love says, you can do anything. Love says, I will be there for you. Love says, come into my office and let’s talk. Love says, I know you are scared, but you can do this. Love says, let it go; free your hands so you can receive something new. Love says, go easy on yourself.
Love will make you laugh when all you want to do is cry. Most of all, love will cause you to believe in heaven. So when you think of sacrificing things within your life, step back, and remember – never sacrifice the love. It is the air through which God breathes. And God wants to breathe through you. God lives in the smile that comes to your face. God lives in that which feels good. So seek it out. It will ease the pain when the next shard comes your way.
Dedicated to all those that I love. And yes, that includes you, dear reader. I hope I have been of value to you.