Tag Archives: contemporary fiction

The Great Divide

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It’s like medicine to sit with a blank page before me. Like many, I often turn away from that which I need. I need this, and yet – life – life, and its many obligations are ever present. At times I feel as though I don’t have the energy to inhale another breath, none alone fulfill my dreams.

But tonight, I sit, and patiently absorb what the blank page offers me. I get to enjoy the cadence of writing; the beats that fall within each syllable. My frustration with life and the clusterfuck of everything that swirls around me falls away once I take my seat, and turn my gaze inward. This white page is the doorway to my soul. Always has been. Chances are – it always will. Writing is my true north.

There are moments when I am nearly convinced I will not live long enough to write all that is within me. Recently someone asked me to think about the star toward which I’m aiming my life. I’ve been sitting with that thought for a few days now. In many ways it feels like that star rests in another galaxy, far, far away. But it doesn’t. It’s here. And much of that star rests within my hands, here and now.

But there is much work to be done. There are many leaps left for me to make. And I will. There is nothing more centering, more calming, more divine than when I dampen the din of the outside world, and listen to the one inside. Whether crafting a fictional story, or devoting my time to the completion of my memoir – all of these many genres hinge upon the same routine – I sit and stare at a blank page. I panic for a brief moment. Then it flows. Sometimes these words mean little to you but almost always they mean the world to me.

The great divide between the life you live and the life you want for yourself, will always be singular to you. For some its conquering the battlefield of fears that separate us from living a life alone and living a life with our forever person. For others it’s about claiming one’s voice; speaking their mind and owning their truths – becoming the person, they were always meant to be. This divide is part of the topography of every expanding soul. It is part of the expansion. The soul urges us to push forward because one of the integral reasons it’s here is to expand in that one direction. Generally, it’s the one area that causes us the most trepidation; the one area that causes us to pull back; the area that can easily spin our world upside down.

If you have found yourself staring at that divide, take a moment. Look out into the horizon – see your star. Find your focal point. Look to your side, see my words, and know that you are not leaping alone. Also too, know that you aren’t here to arrive at that star. You are here to find your inner strength, and to take the leap. You are here to travel, not to arrive.

Say it with me: It’s okay if I rest. It’s okay if I pause. It’s okay to laugh, and it’s okay to cry. But on my final day I will not look back, and see that I never made the leap. I may fall. But I will get up again, until one day I look back – and see behind me – the great divide.

Then I’ll keep walking.

 

Sane

Under the Moonlight

Under the Moonlight

As much as I dislike the cold that accompanies these lingering dark mornings, I savor the simplicity. As I sit in the quiet, I have only the glow from a white, rotund moon shining off to my right to illuminate my surroundings. As my thoughts drift, and time passes, the moon fades further away. It is during times like these that I find the most peace.

My world is a blank slate. I have no visual stimuli to distract me from what rests in my mind. Once the sun takes center stage, so does a plethora of distractions. But for now, things feel simple. I’m not one for clutter, not in my house nor in my mind.

Every morning I take time to pray. It is a sacred time for me. Time to stabilize myself, find my center and reconnect to who I am and what I know I need to be. I acknowledge the fact that the two are not always one. But I also acknowledge that the key to forming a more perfect union within myself is by first acknowledging that which separates me. I tend to see those things more clearly during these early morning hours.

The senses become more acute when not bombarded with outside interference. When it is dark, the ears sink deeper into a better state of hearing. And with that, as I talk to God, I often hear the soft voice which I long to hear during my busiest days; days when I can hear nothing more than the chattering voice within my mind.

The me I am with you, is the me I am with God. I tend not to veil myself from either. I’m quite convinced God appreciates my honesty. I hope you do as well. As I search, and stretch the boundaries of my preconceived limitations, I have to do so first by being honest. Sometimes I like who I see within myself, sometimes I do not. But I try to see them both with clarity.

It’s easy to assume that those who walk a spiritual path do so upon a golden road, one that embraces them and provides for easy steps. I don’t believe that to be true. I feel those who are reaching the furthest, feel the most struggle. With new knowledge comes new questions. Upon discovering new truths, we stretch to peel back another layer, reaching further and further as we go. And every time we do, we break away that which we were in able to become that which we are meant to be. Often, this is painful process. Or at least, with me it is.

Only those who have outgrown their shell feel the pain of breaking free. Its a recurrent process when continuing to grow. Only those who are not reaching, not expanding and not stretching their abilities and what they know escape this particular pain. Their pain is that of stagnation, suffocating under the weight of their own being, of spinning within the same cycle. I spent many years trapped in that perpetual, breathless state of being. Knowing what I know now, if I had to choose between the two, I would and do choose the pain associated with growth, as it allows me to breathe.

So in these early morning hours, I am always like that of a butterfly about to emerge. I notice once again that my cocoon no longer fits. I push against and release the part that no longer serves me. I try never to define myself by my cocoon. Instead I am an ever evolving creation; one that may never possess one clear definition. The tree topped vista before me is now coming into view. The stars are no longer sitting in contrasting darkness. The moon has escaped behind the trees. And the sun, like all skilled performers, is taking its time before walking out onto the stage. So with that, I will say: May this day be good to me. And may this day be good to you.

Sane

Sitting With Things

 

Sitting

No longer do I strive to be like anyone else. I do, however, strive to be the most authentic version of myself possible, the version of me that sits closest to God. This requires that I take the time to understand myself; what it is that holds me back as well as what propels me forward. Also too, I must understand those things brought before me by the Universe.

It is important for us to learn how to sit with things. Instead of deeming my first thoughts as always correct, often now, I wait. I’d like to say that my intuition is always right. And perhaps it is. But too often intuition is masked under mental fears. It takes time to learn the subtle deviations in color between the two.

Sitting with things isn’t always a pleasant undertaking. With that said, it also isn’t a time of hand wringing. Hand wringing is caused when something touches upon our pain center. Unresolved issues blur not only our perception when looking outward, they block our view when looking within.

For me, sitting with things merely means my energy shifts from that of action to stillness. My energy turns softer. I grow a bit quieter. And it is during these times especially when I’m made to flex the muscles of patience. It is in that where I can sometimes feel the strain. But that’s okay. The moments brought before us are not always those of jumping with joy. Sometimes they are moments of sitting with uncertainty until we get things figured out.

I’ve become better at this. I’m not as impetuous as I once was. This isn’t to say that every knee-jerk reaction is wrong. What it means is that I try to act less from my mind and more from my soul. And as the mind is the first layer through which our world is filtered, sometimes we have to wait for the second shift of our being to take over, granting us a purer, soulful insight. When I’m already operating from a place of my soul then this all comes easier. But in day-to-day life that isn’t always the case. My mind is busy, my actions are many and the world requires my constant attention. It’s an effort of orchestrating the many facets of my being, for my betterment and the betterment of those around me.

While sitting we can see better if we’re the catalyst for the greater expansion of another, or if they’ve been brought before us to help bring about our change. Keeping in mind there is often an interplay between the two. During these moments of stillness we can ensure that what’s before us honors our true self. As much as I love moments when everything is aligned and fueled with momentum. That isn’t the only way life unfolds. Life can unfold with a turn that causes us to stop. Maybe to draw our attention to a possibility that will impact our course. A turn that leads to the answer to a lifelong prayer or a cautionary pause when we’re about to forfeit a dream.

Life demands our action. But sometimes the first action is to sit. If what we’re seeing is our dream, awaiting our arrival, take it in. Smile. Memorize what’s before you because heaven knows it’s been long-awaited. Then take joyful steps, dear reader. Sometimes what’s before us is there to awaken us. Our world is laid out utilizing the full spectrum – a constant dichotomy. There are moments when if we wait too long we lose our chance, as well as moments when if we don’t wait, we’ll never fully grasp what’s before us. It’s our work to know which is which.

And if you don’t know what to do, look within. It is there where you’ll find your answer. Fears that push sit next to those that bind; under which rest your soul’s purpose, your joy and your dreams. It’s all there. Look with broad, allowing eyes. Look under your many layers. Get clear.

As for me, as for today, I’m sitting.

Sane

 

A Fluid Life

Vintage boating

I’ve never been one to write with a saccharin touch. Honesty has always been a component within my underwaters. And I’m quite certain it always will. My readers have come to know that if they are wanting fluffy words that sit on the tongue like cotton candy, they need not let their eyes settled onto my page. However, I don’t think the truth should bring a person down. Glib, cheery words during my most unsettling moments have never given me strength. Yet, the truth has empowered me time and time again. And the truth is, life consists of both the good and the bad. The trick is to not become those moments. Instead, let them flow. Ride it out. You are the ship, the moments are the waters. Sail through.

If you noticed you’re experiencing one of life’s more enjoyable offerings, don’t cling to it. Don’t drop anchor and demand that nothing ever change. Once you do you begin to rob it of its beauty. You begin to fear how it will be once it is gone. Just let the beauty flow through and around you. Soak it in. Breathe it in. Allow it to leave its imprint upon your emotional memory. Then let it be. If you don’t put a death hold on it, then you’ve matched the energy, and all like energy finds its way back to one another. And that emotional impression will be there for you when you most need a soft place to rest your mind. If a moment lifts your heart within your chest, it’s a gift. Be sure to say thank you. Thankfulness is a match to the divine. And the more you keep yourself matched to the divine the better life becomes.

If, on the other hand, you are nestled deep within one of life’s more unsettling moments, again, don’t become the moment. Allow your energy to remain soft. Try not to steel yourself as a way of protection. All you’re doing is becoming a vibrational match to that which you are trying hard to resist. Before you know it, everything turns cold and rough around you. Not because that is all life has to offer, but because life is working to match the energy you are emitting. Often some of our most valuable lessons come by way of difficult moments. They happen not because you failed, but because there was something key that could only be learned in that particular way. So, pay attention to them. The better you are at responding to those ugly moments, impacts greatly how often they will return.

Now, all of this may sound too simplified. I know. There are times when I am riding higher than a kite, just to notice the ground beneath me has fallen way. Life happens. All of it moves through our journey. If you are to practice anything I would advise that you practice not becoming the moment, simply allow the moment its due. Allow both the good and the bad to exist, all the while remain true to who you are. Believing that all is well is not the simplistic ways of optimistic folly. It is a state of being that has great implications on one’s life. When one’s vibrational plateau is that all is well, then when all situations arise, and they always do, life moves them along easier, softer. We are met with more experiences that match our belief, so predominantly speaking, wellness becomes our predominant experience. And the bad times are met with a centered mind and a more fortified heart. We know that it will pass and that we will be okay. In my opinion, this is a crucial knowing along one’s spiritual evolution.

Allow yourself a good deal of slack. If you notice you are not filled with joy but instead are possessing a fuck it sort of disposition, let it ride. Let it flow through you. We are spirits dwelling within these human forms that are often hindered by our mind. The mind has many glitches. Try not to get too worked up about it all. Allow yourself to flow through your emotions just like you are trying to allow life to flow through its many happenings. Fate brings us both the good and the bad, it’s all part of the material that helps our souls grow. So, again, look at what comes your way, then let it flow. A bad day will pass as quickly as the best day of your life. They are all fluid. But it’s who you are and how you respond to each that’s key. It’s in those moments that you are given the opportunity for your soul to expand, and also to set the course of what comes your way.

Sane

In Focus

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When it comes to to this thing called living, may I offer an analogy: We view life through a lens. Keep it crystal clear, and readjust the focus as necessary.

That sounds so simple. But often the most important principles in life are, indeed, simple. We overwork, over analyze the way in which we perceive life. Yet, the fundamentals should be quite straight forward.

If not maintained, the lens through which you view your world becomes clouded from past experiences. And if you’ve allowed your soul to grow, the lens of ten years ago may not, and should not, be the correct focus for today. Due to such, stop holding yourself accountable to a lens that no longer serves you. Stop squinting to see clearly what made sense then, but no longer makes sense to a soul that has outgrown such beliefs. Beliefs are not meant to be static. We are meant to outgrow the perimeters we built in our youth. You would not expect a developing nation to remain fixed within the structures it built during its earlier stages. Yet, so often this is what we expect from ourselves. Tear down your walls once you notice you are continually bumping up against them. And oh dear reader, I do hope you are bumping up against them, and not away from them. The seed did not come forth to shirk into the soil. It came forth to push through. The same is true for you.

Take stock of these things. You need not share any of your findings with anyone. But do share it with you. You can only deceive yourself for so long. Every day we create new truths within ourselves. Own them as you move along. Don’t feel because you saw the world a certain way, once, means that you are tied to seeing it that way for a lifetime. You wouldn’t expect that of a child in school. Quite the opposite. In fact, you look at those that don’t move up the academic ladder at a steady pace as lacking. Yet, spiritually we often do the same.

Unresolved issues are like smudges that prohibit a clear view. It is your job, and no one else’s, to wipe the lens clean. Unhealed pains are like scratches that make it impossible to see with clarity due to distortion. You were not intended to view your world through the smudges and scratches of your past. Those moments were meant to change you, not prohibit and distort your view.

So, as we head into a new week I ask that you step back from your perception point, and come to the understanding that you were meant to reach for a new lens along the way. It may require that you reach further. But in time that new reach will become the familiar reach. Then, just as the seed pushes higher towards the sun, and the city requires that it broaden its territory, you too will once again feel the push to readjust. All of this takes work. But what is your other option. I do not want to see the new possibilities life offers me through the haze and damage of my past. My past caused the growth that forced me to reach for a newer, vibrantly clear lens. Life will bring new, wonderful people, experiences and things to your doorstep. It’s up to you how you view each of them. Once they arrive, dear reader, you owe it to the force that is Love and Life to see these gifts clearly. Most importantly, you owe it to you.

Sane

Let it Go

Let it Go

A friend mentioned recently that like Elsa in the Disney movie, Frozen, we all need to let it go. I thought about that for a moment, and the context with which she was speaking,  then said, “Elsa didn’t let go, she ran away. Then she lived in isolation, trapped by that from which she was running. As a result, all hell broke loose.” But I do understand what my friend meant, and I agree. Let go, but don’t run away.

We all have hurts. We all have suffered certain trauma; some big, some small. Unless dealt with, these hurts leave their mark within our being. We create within ourselves a pain center. Then, everything that unfolds in our life, the good and the bad, the blessings and the woes, all meet up against this pain center.

And as our life plays out, it does so viewed, felt and processed through this unhealed part of our self. And it doesn’t matter how much we may want for ourselves, unless tended to, everything that comes our way will be affected by our pain. Our authentic self sits behind this center, our psyche before it. Our children are raised with the influences of this pain center. Our work, our social interactions, everything is impacted by what is inside of us.  As you can imagine, my pain center was deep and wide. I had enough unresolved issues within me to provide fodder for my own behavioral health study. I had my dark night of the soul, though. During that walk through the darkness within I battled my inner dragons. By that time they were dragons, larger than life. Actually, they had become my life. My soul turned my awareness though, and demanded that I see with eyes wide open. It was then that I began the process of confronting, healing and letting go. Just like breathing, just like logging days on the calendar, it’s a continual thing. But they aren’t dragons when released early; they aren’t given time to become obstacles. I did and still am doing the work. And so can you. If you are reading my words, I have to believe, you already are.

We are the ones who understand that running away means running from our heart, not from that which pains us. Our pain center goes with us wherever we go. It can and will stand between us and all that we want for ourselves. But have you realized, dear reader, that your pain center is one of the main reasons why you are here? It is what you are here to work through. Look at your hurts, see the theme. I want you to see how the events that caused these hurts all consist of similar nuances. They are connected. Your soul has brought these events before you, so you would overcome them, not so they would overcome you.

Please, dear reader, heal your pain center, don’t let it block you. Heal it, then let it go.

Sane

Liberation

catalina-origliberation |ˌlibəˈrāSHən|

The act of setting someone free from imprisonment, slavery, or oppression; release: the liberation of all prisoners. Freedom from limits on thought or behavior.

There have been times when I’ve stood in the prison of my own making. Yet, it was I who turned the key that kept me locked away. I could damn myself for those moments. But I won’t. Nothing is gained from hatred, inward or outward. Instead, I’ve come to learn what those moments were all about. Over time, my soul has become the sovereign ruler who has consistently liberated me. We own the key. We own the power to lock ourselves or set ourselves free.

It takes practice and desire to look at life and see through the gossamer veil, and view the process hidden behind. We have a choice when it comes to everything life presents to us. That truth alone is the life changing. We can look at our fear and see the unhealed parts of ourself begging our attention or we can become a prisoner to it.

Fear and doubt have no power in and of themselves. They can not deny us our dreams. What these two vital emotional responses do is signal to us an important moment in the evolution of our soul. Don’t turn from it. Face it. Face it with your full self. If you fear that you are not good enough, please know the moment was brought before you by your soul for you to heal the damaged part that has been holding this disbelief. The divine within you has presented you with this critical turning point. The direction you turn is up to you.

But if not dealt with the moment will be brought before you again. A person may come your way who is like a breath of fresh air. But with them will also come the opportunity that brings your fears to the surface. Not for you to stop your movements. Not because this person is bad. But so you can face your fears or past hurts, heal them, then finally release them.

This is not an act of punishment from God. It is, in fact, the most loving thing Spirit can do for you – forcing you to face what shackles you.

The key is always in your hand, dear reader. Every chance that comes your way to release what holds you down, take it. It may hurt like hell. If it was instilled painfully, it will exit painfully. But your soul wants to release what’s unhealthy. If not, the opportunity would not have arrived. That is what fear is showing you. Have faith. Let go. Open your heart. Then and only then can the good stuff get in. And isn’t that what makes this life worth living?

Sane