Tag Archives: dating

Sex and Bad Candy

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Humans are social creatures. Due to such, I have to bet you’d like to have your life’s love sitting next to you right now. If so, do this – look in the mirror.

You can never see in another what you can not see within yourself.  You can not recognize outwardly what you have not already experienced within. And you can not maintain with another what you can not maintain within yourself.

Do you unconditionally love and accept the person looking back at you? If not, that is okay. Admitting the truth is one of the first empowering actions one can take. Just remember, your soul loves you. And if the desire is within you to be unified with a partner that will love and accept and understand you – then you must first do those things within yourself.

I want this from them, you say. Let’s get this straight. They aren’t your mother, and they aren’t your father. They are your partner. You can’t play the victim and expect your partner to coddle you. That isn’t their job. They are meant to be your equal. Equal. How can they be your equal if what you want from them isn’t already possessed within you? Of what are they the equivalent?

Dear reader, did you know that someone could love you to the moon and back, but you wouldn’t be able to allow it in if you didn’t already know the feeling within yourself. Also, you can’t give what you don’t have. It’s impossible.

Even without being cognizant of it, people react to energy. They feel it. It enters their being. Ask yourself what kind of energy you are offering. What is it you are giving this person? What is it you are giving yourself?

I know this struggle well. I did not like the person who met me in the mirror. I used to question how anyone could love the mess that was me. I didn’t love the mess. So why should they. Those were probably the most pivotal words spoken at the onset of my spiritual journey.

As I grew to hear Spirit, it shared with me something that changed my life. I am not my experiences. I am not my mistakes. I am not my successes.  I am not what has been done to me. I am not the judgments or opinions of others. I am what I believe.

And I believe in me. So look in that mirror, dear reader, and love everything you see. Love the you who ran when you should’ve stood. Love the you who doesn’t feel good enough. Love the you who got it right and love the you who got it wrong. Love yourself and – you become enough.

I’ve never met the person with whom I hope to spend the rest of my life. But I love them enough to bring them my best self; baggage light, clutter cleaned, demons understood. They deserve that. I deserve that. I had to divorce two men and marry myself before I discovered that truth. I had to fall in love with me. I wanted to feel whole, and that doesn’t come by way of a perfect other half. It comes by way of filling one’s self. Then resting in one’s wholeness for awhile. Knowing yourself. That is what I will present my future love.

And now that I am here, I no longer dishonor myself. I no longer look down upon myself. I no longer sell myself short. I no longer fill my time with bad candy when I know I’m deserving of a feast. Yes, that is a sexual reference. I love the woman I have discovered within myself. She is passionate beyond words. Sensual. Smart. Sincere. I love her. It all starts there. So take the mirror, dear reader, love who you see. You are worth the effort. And no, you don’t have to be perfect before you can love who you see. You just have to love who you see – unconditionally.

Sane

As always, written to music. Van Morrison, Into the Mystic.  The Strumbellas, We Don’t Know.

 

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What Do You Believe

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What do you believe? It’s an important question to ask yourself. Because whether you are aware of it or not, your beliefs determine much of your journey.

I remember one time, sitting with my mother. I had recently given her a powerful book to read. The book had within it many spiritual truths. Underpinnings as to our power, and how it controls much of our life. It spoke of the importance of, not just our words, not just our thoughts – but our beliefs. The thought behind the thought. My mother closed the book, handed it back to me and said, “Well, the hell with that.”

I’ve always appreciated my mother’s straightforwardness. Even when what she was saying was something I didn’t want to hear. My mother instantly knew that she was not the master of her beliefs. More so, she knew her deepest beliefs were not ones of a positive nature. The fears within her had become her beliefs. It’s like that for many of us. But never underestimate the contrast and challenges Life brings before you. Because each one offers a chance to confront one’s beliefs, and either walk forward in them or to see them for what they are; to see how they have been holding us back.

There is a powerful Sufi phrase regarding communication. But I feel it’s valuable, not just during communication with others, but also, for communication within ourselves. Sufi’s teach that there are three filters through which our thoughts should travel before being spoken: Is it true. Is it necessary. Is it kind. It’s the first filter that I’d like you to focus on as you move through your weekend. Is it true. To answer that one must first know what they believe. You almost always know what you believe once you take note of what rises within yourself when confronted with contrast or challenge, regardless of what we say or do outwardly.

My mother was very aware of what bubbles up from within herself. Fear. A life spent in fear had worn her down considerably. Some of the fear was inflicted upon her from outside sources. From there her inner fear grew stronger. Before long she viewed the world through a fear-shaded lens. Getting control over one’s own beliefs, owning them, healing them, then managing them – feels like an insurmountable task, at times. It did for my mother. It is the key to freedom, however. It is the key that unlocks one’s own power. It is the vital step that places us firmly in alignment with All That Is.

I won’t even begin to tell you, dear reader, that it is easy. It’s not. Life is a journey, whether you are cognizant of why you are here. You can either get run over by life. Or help lay the foundation that creates the road. You don’t get to control every turn. You don’t get to control every hill. Your Higher Self has you here doing things that are meant to develop your soul in ways from which your shadow self will always try to run and your mind will struggle to understand. But once you know your beliefs, things become clearer. Once you have mastery of the thought behind the thought, you look at the curve and see why it’s been placed before you. That is what alignment does – it lessens the fear of what’s around the corner and allows us to see things we couldn’t see before. Your beliefs matter. They tell you almost everything about your soul’s development.

Do you believe the Universe is conspiring to help or hurt you, to support or to penalize you? Do you believe that help is always there for you, just when you need it or that you will be left to suffer alone. Either way, you will get what you believe.

Believe in Love, dear reader. Believe it. Be it. See it.

Sane

Let it Grow

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July Harper’s Bazaar 1953

It’s my belief that if we have been born, then within us lives specific potential and gifts, singular only to us. This potential is much like that of a seed. It enters into this experience much like a seed gets planted into the soil – to grow – and eventually bear fruit. What that fruit is, we don’t know. We aren’t shown that beforehand. And that’s a good thing.

Instead, before we ever get a chance to experience our potential, we have to first tend the seed. And to me, that is what this human experience is all about. A seed left untended, is a soul left unloved. We have to love it before ever know what will become of it.

Some people don’t even know that they have a seed; a beautiful soul that has more life within it than their physical being will ever know. Instead, they operate only from the mind. The mind never knows what’s under the soil. It only knows what it can see. Generally, this means its history. Oddly enough, when we begin our spiritual journey, when we come to understand that there is more going on than what our eyes can translate, our fear-based mind doesn’t easily step aside. No, it tries to judge and analyze the seed.

Before too long the mind thinks it has the seed all figured out, and knows exactly what to expect and what it will do with the fruit it plans to receive. “From this apple tree I will make pie. Lots of pie. And my life will be surrounded by pie.” Yet, as we continue to pull up the weeds thats roots once choked the seed, something entirely different grows. And that is the beauty of Spirit. It likes to surprise us. So, as we keep weeding and watering and doing our best to walk this spiritual journey, and once we listen less to the mind and more to the voice of our heart, we forget our preconceived beliefs. We are so busy tending to the seedling, and living from our heart, that our mind becomes a tool we use and not one that uses us.

Then it happens, after what is admittedly, a long and sometimes tedious season, we find ourselves resting under the tree that was once a seed. It is then that we notice all of the beautiful, heavy avocados pulling on its branches. And then, because our mind no longer spins with its continual cycle of verdicts, we smile. We never even imagined within us would be such a glorious thing as what we are seeing. For that matter, we never knew we loved avocados. Yet the heavens knew this about us, all along.

So as you move along in your journey, dear reader, try not to get too caught up in what you expect your future to be. Try not to get too wrapped up in what you think you are suppose to be. You will never know your true potential until you first allow the seed to grow. So relax. Trust the seed. Your mind has failed you many times. But the seed won’t. Within the seed is the energy of the Universe, and it will not let you down. It will do its job if you do yours. Your work is to allow it time to grow. And to tend to it while it does.

Sane

Reflective Surfaces

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These last few years have been a hike in the wilderness of finding myself. It has been treacherous. It has been glorious. I’ve curled up in caves. I’ve stood atop mountains with arms held wide. My deepest truth throughout it all: Love is all there is. Often we look outward for such a thing. Yet, the most important love is found within.

Loving from such a place is heaven on earth. Not because it’s always easy. But because it is exquisitely divine. So, for those considering Valentine’s Day I want to say: Love you. Take a moment and access your life. Ask yourself the deeper questions. Make the changes necessary for you to feel love – inside and out.

Tonight, I’m sharing the blog I wrote two years ago. I won the WordPress Award for this blog. But I won’t lie, I felt wretched the night I wrote it. Yet, the voice of spirit spoke. And I wrote what was said. Love is God. Love is Life. Love is all there is. So love you.

Life reflects our beliefs. So, remember, believe you deserve the best. Believe you are beautiful. Believe you are worthy. I can assure you, you are irreplaceable. And if no one sees this within you – maybe it’s because you don’t yet see it within you.

Love is what makes life worth living. Love is what makes us smile during the worst of times, and causes our heart to fill with unspeakable joy. Love gives us courage. Bring love into your world. Bring it into your heart. You can do this. Say it with me, “Yes, I’m scared often. But I love me. I love this motley mix that gets turned sideways at times. I love my darkness. I love my light. And I love me. I love my dreaming heart. I love my trembling hands. I love the all of me. And I deserve to feel good. ”

Sane

Below, unchanged, the post that brought so many of you to me. Thank you, dear readers. I love you.

Loved By Me

February 13, 2013 § 209 Comments

If, like me, you find yourself alone on Valentine’s Day, please do as I do – treat yourself well. As the spotlight shines down and reveals that you have yet to end your day looking into the eyes of your life’s love, or even that of a mere lover, use the day to look into yourself. And when you do, please do so with kindness. Fall in love with you.

It almost seems like a superfluous concept – to fall in love with one’s self. And yet, it is your self that will follow you wherever you go. It is yourself that will talk to you when no one is there. Your self will damn you. Your self will love you. The belief you have in yourself can cause you to crumble or it can cause you to reach unprecedented heights. The energy and perspective you put into you – you will receive from you in the form of inner knowing, conviction and peace.

On this day, instead of giving free rein to a mind that critiques and reminds us of our failures, come to peace with those moments when the outcome for which you had most hoped didn’t manifest. Think about giving yourself credit for having survived something that, at the time, felt like death. When you look in the mirror, instead of seeing the effects of time and stress, see a face that has viewed some of the ugliest of circumstances, and yet can radiantly shine when caught up in laughter. And when you look down at your body, try not to see those things that cause you disappointment. Try to remember that your body is giving you it’s very best, dependent upon what you are giving it. Furthermore, if your body is like mine, it has moved through hell and back, perhaps more than once. And when the time comes that you are confronted with your life’s love, they will see your beauty – because doing so is inherent to the nature of who they are. A divine love is divinely given, and thus sees the divine in us even when we falter and struggle to see it for ourselves.

Go easy on you. I would recommend that you take every day to treat yourself well. But if not, then please use tomorrow as a celebration of the love you are cultivating for you. Making peace with yourself. Loving your many attributes, thoughts, hopes and dreams is the beginning of the most important relationship one can have – the one we have with ourself. You will be with you during your greatest successes, your deepest disappointments and upon your final day. And if you are blessed to meet up with your life’s love, you’ll then be coming from a place not of insecurity, but of acceptance. You’ve accepted you, which will allow you to accept them.

I won’t deny that the favorable ending for tomorrow would be in front of a fire or wrapped in the arms of one’s lover. That would be my chosen route. But instead, I will endeavor to treat myself well. I will remind myself of my own beauty. My triumphs. My successes. My gifts. I will also spend the day spoiling me as I would wish to be spoiled by a partner. I will stop off and enjoy the taste of something delectable; it’s a fair assumption dark chocolate will be involved. I will peruse my favorite boutiques and I will allow my body to get pampered. Most of all, I will go easy on me. And my hope is that you go easy on you. Whether you are loved by many, loved by one or only loved by you – never forget – you are quite special.

Sane

Sitting with It

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Françoise Sagan dans son nouvel appartement de la rue de Grenelle, Paris, 1956 Philippe Le Tellier

It feels as though I’ve been pushing against the wind to get to this moment now. So odd it is to be busy carrying out my many obligations, all the while feeling the need to write press down upon me; ever-present, never letting up. I’m here now. And that’s all that matters. So with that, I will say to you dear reader, one of my deeper truths, is in coming to terms with inner restlessness. Restlessness, in my opinion, is one of the most potent emotional responses we encounter. I would say it’s as potent as fear, but to me, restlessness is an offshoot of fear. It’s the fear of simply being still within one’s self.

Because when we do, it is then that we notice all of our inner, unfinished business, our insecurities, our hurts. The chatter in our mind begins, either as an angry mob or one haunting voice. So we busy ourselves. We reach for something that will distract, numb or drown out the voices and urges. This is usually what makes meditation difficult for so many. It’s not easy working through the mental layer, with its constant chatter about what needs to be done, then the emotional layer that unearths all that was buried, and hopefully forgotten.

It’s a dreadful state so we bolt. We run toward something that will nullify the feeling. I say dear reader, as uncomfortable as it may be, sit in your restlessness. Let it wash over you. Let it wash through you. Let it bring everything to life. And when it does look around. Doing so is the gateway to peace. One is never free while running away. Freedom exists once we come to terms with who we are and who we’ve been; those things that frighten us; those things that cause us to feel vulnerable inside. That’s peace.

Looking at all those things that trouble you sounds like the last thing one would want to do in order to find peace. Yet, truly, it is the road that will take you there. Because as long as you run, as long as you distract and avoid, you remain the prisoner to those very things from which you long release. You can release yourself by sitting with those restless moments. You’ll be okay. And in time you will come to recognize restlessness as just another layer of your being that needs working through, allowing you a deeper understanding of yourself. Each layer discovered takes you closer to full ownership of yourself. And that is freedom.

But you have to be willing to go there. You must be willing to sit with it. After time you will look back and notice that you’ve conquered many moments that once sent you running. You can’t silence or run from inner restlessness and also find inner peace and freedom. They reside in two different places.

I am a long way from where I want to be in this regard. Yet, I take comfort knowing that mastering one’s self isn’t a title handed to us upon our death, it’s handed to us along our journey. And you will never master yourself, and thereby experience peace, unless you sit with yourself first. That means sitting still even when all you want to do is run.

Sane

Invest Wisely

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My mind has been on investments as of late. Even when I get caught in the undertow of my daily routine, mind-chatter and distractions, the subject returns, and with it comes reflection. This means, it’s time for thought to manifest into words; if not for you, for me. 

What if, at the end of our time here on earth, we are asked by the force that gave us life, how we invested what was given to us? And as we scramble to explain the litany of our obligations and responsibilities we are stopped, and asked again. You – were given these days. The job was to invest with reverence for self. The job was to invest in the fulfillment of what pleases you. The time has come – how did you spend what was given?

Did you hoard your days? Did you waste them? Did you spend them solely upon others with no return – and now, never having received a dividend, you have no more to spend. Or did you invest well?

Having almost lost my life, unexpectedly as is usually the case, I tend to look at life with a bit more thought than some. I still waste them though. I still find myself taking all that is in my savings and giving it to others. This is fine if we are receiving a 100% return. It’s important to take note of this as you move along with a friend or partner. And as a parent it’s easy to give only to our children. It sounds noble. In fact it seems as though we should receive a reward for doing so. Yet, that would be the same as starving one’s self to feed another. Or putting the oxygen mask on everyone else first then struggling, breathless, to put it on you.

I have to wonder if in our final moment we will be asked if we taught our children by way of modeling? Will this most generous, life-giving energy tell us that our children were given unto us for the sole purpose of us showing them how to live a joyous, purposeful, compassionate life. Furthermore, would it also say that we were given a multitude of opportunities to do so along the way.

It’s important that we invest in ourselves. And if the thought of doing so is too hard to conceptualize, think of it as you would money. Your days are like dollars. Only, in the end, you really don’t know how many you will truly have. The truth is, you only know what you’ve already spent. All you know now is what you have before you in this moment. Invest it well. Maybe you can’t do everything you want in this moment, but you can surely take the small steps toward that end. Life is made up of the little joys; those moments that cause us to come alive inside. You know when those moments have come your way. You remember them and the feeling. Spend at least some of your time on joy. Joy is your dividend. Give back to yourself. Everyone benefits when you do.

Sane

Honoring You

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It’s on my heart to write about relationships tonight and yet my mind says I have no insightful words to offer. However, the desire remains. So I must. Let’s see what is given.

To those whose hearts are aching tonight, I’m sorry for your pain. When the heart and mind have conjured a desire, it will be given. I don’t believe it is always easily given though. If there is a good deal that stands in your way, layers of dysfunction, unresolved pain, then those things must be worked through. The universe will prepare you. But it will do so first by bringing those things to light.

So if you are sitting tonight with a heart that feels two pounds too heavy, pay attention. The dream exists. It lives and it breathes. Clear yourself first. Do the work. Truthfully, you wouldn’t want it any other way. Because when this most breathtakingly beautiful person enters your realm you would not want your layers of damage standing between you two.

As you read these words, I want you to look inward. I want you to sit in darkness and close out the world. Then fall. Free fall until you reach your core. Go home. Remind yourself of who you are. Fall in love with you again, dear reader. You will see some things you may not like. But that’s okay. Those hues upon your palette are there for a reason. They got there somehow. Now paint with them. You get the chance to reclaim your canvas each and every day. No excuses. Just begin painting again.

Take broad strokes. Now paint outward. This time I want you to paint your world not with fear, not with shame and most assuredly not with guilt. This time, paint with love. There is a darkness within me that used to choke my breath. Now, it sits as the shadow within the backdrop of my colorful portrait. I chose how to use it. It didn’t choose me. And if those who view me don’t like it, look away. I won’t change it. So it is with this knowing I say to you, dear reader, do not compromise yourself. Does this take a strong hand – yes. But you are strong.

You are beautiful. You are divine. And God would have it no other way than for you to love every inch of you. No one but society expects you to be perfect. To that I say, fuck society. Fuck the opinions of others. Decide for yourself your definition of perfection, and let that definition be that you are a perfect work in progress. Why – because you are. You see every smudge on your palette. You see every brilliant hue as well as every dark color.

But don’t you see – you were meant to have them all. Life is about figuring out how to use them to paint the life of your dreams. Dream big. Dream bold. Dream in fine lines, dream with giant splotches – just dream. Don’t look upon yourself as possessing anything that is less than. And if someone in your life fails to honor the greatness that is you, step back; they have work to do. The work you had to do was honoring yourself by accepting no less than someone who honors you.

Me – I’m a motley assortment of colors. I am darkness and I am light. But I love them all. I carry the full spectrum of color upon my very large palette. I used to hide much of it. It nearly killed me. Now, I paint using all that is me. What I change are those that I allow into my world, I never change the colors that are me.

Now dab your brush, take a little bit of your lightness and smack it hard against the canvas. Then find the courage to see your struggles, and touch your brush upon the darkness and glide it across your canvas. Own it. Step back. Notice how your darkness brings your lightness to life. See how the one makes the other shine.

Sane